Fresh Direct Tuesday: Indian-Spiced Lentil & Quinoa Ragout w/ Roasted Vegetables, or Slumdog Millionaire, The Microwavable Dish

Our week of bad continues with a visit to the east: today we try some Indian food!


The kitchen on 21 was again empty, so there were plenty of entrées to choose from in the machine. Sweet. When it came to Indian, I had a choice between the Indian-Spiced Lentil & Quinoa Ragout w/ Roasted Vegetables or the Twix bar.


Same old drill as yesterday. 3 minutes. But as the 2 minute mark hit, there was a STRONG onion smell seeping out of the microwave. I felt really bad for the people who work in the nearby cubicles. I figured I should eat this thing outside.


I was pleasantly surprised that this time, the entrée wasn't almost 1000 calories. Way less sodium, too. You go, Fresh Direct East!


So I smelled up the elevator down to the lobby and sat outside with all the unhappy smokers. And this time, the six minutes it took going down there was enough to let the food cool off. So, yay for my mouth.



It was all neat, symmetrical, and orderly like a still life painting. But once I dug my fork in to get the lentils ragout underneath, it got ugly. A geiser of rank onion and garlic punched me in the nose and took my wallet. Imagine the crotch area of a fisherman's waders, then add some fermented onions and hobo fillings made of cheese, and you'll start to get a sense of how it smelled.


Okay. Truth be told, this wasn't that bad. Although it was pungent and sinus-clearing, the ragout, broccoli, chick peas, and carrots were tasty. I ate most of it, in fact. But I drew the line at essentially putting every bad-smelling vegetable in my mouth. That was she said.


The stench from the dish caused even the most die hard smokers to quit and go back inside, and some curious pigeons nearby wondered how they ended up in the local dump.


I tried sharing some of this delicious Fresh Direct food with my feathered friends:



Shortly after I turned the camera off, one of the pigeons said, "Dude, not cool."



So it wasn't a total culinary disaster like yesterday's Chicken and Cheese Cannelloni. But it did stink up the building, elevator, lobby, outdoor plaza, and adjacent Duane Reade store. Now when I get home the wife is going to think I fell in wet garbage again.

Overall rating: F

Meanwhile, During the Conference Call...

Click to enlarge

Fresh Direct Monday: Chicken and Cheese Cannelloni, or How To Burn The Everloving Shit Out of Your Mouth

Our week of bad begins today with a sampling of Italian food from the vending machine on 21. Now, much fanfare had been given to this new machine. Tabletents, easel boards, and flyers were everywhere, begging people to try this new fantastic food.


A quick elevator ride to 21 showed that the advertising hadn't really worked, because the kitchen was pretty much empty. Well, it was a nice day out, so let's give Fresh Direct the benefit of the doubt.


The selections were easy to read and very straightforward. From Presto Italiano, I had the choice of Classic Chicken Parmesan & Spaghetti, Chicken & Cheese Cannelloni w/Pesto & Spinach, and Lobster Ravioli w/ Classic Vodka Sauce & Basil. I decided on the Chicken & Cheese Cannelloni because it had the most ampersands.


Since the dish was $7.95, you can't pay in cash. Instead, the machine wants you to perpetuate the vicious cycle of debt that you've gotten yourself trapped into ever since your student loans.


A quick pop into the microwave, set for 3 minutes, and we'll have food!


During the three minutes, I took the liberty to read up on the nutritional facts about the entrée I was about to sample. 580 calories?! Shit, that's like 2.5 cheeseburgers.


And despite it having 1320 mg of sodium, I had an inkling that I would still need salt.




And once I popped that in my mouth, a volcano of pain shot up through my forehead. A spike of magma pierced both eyeballs and turned my throat to ash. In my haste to try the food, I forgot my college training to LET MICROWAVED FOOD SIT OUT FOR A MINUTE. Big duh.


But once the cannelloni had cooled down, I tasted it again, and it wasn't much better than the physical pain. It had hints of pesto and spinach, and it was technically shaped like a cannelloni, but tastewise, it was like a pesto gorilla devoured a raw chicken and then blew his nose into a cannelloni dishrag.




Overall rating: F

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 1: Midnight Bayou

Jerry O'Connell?! Oh, dude. Gotta pay the bills, right. Shit.


What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Jerry O'Connell uses the Heimlich maneuver on some lady in Louisiana who's choking on a Po'Boy. They fuck.

What The Movie Was Really About: Jerry O'Connell play Declan, a lawyer from Boston who buys and moves into an old mansion in New Orleans. But the mansion comes with it supernatural secrets. And his new romance, restauranteur Lena, is a descendent of the spirits who haunt the house. Through the help of spirit medium Odette, the two lovers discover they are reincarnated from star-crossed lovers who were separated by a jealous, murderous brother.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Jerry O'Connell uses the Heimlich maneuver on some lady in Louisiana who's choking on a Po'Boy. They fuck. Then giant robots take over the world.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Jerry O'Connell playing some rich lawyer guy who rides a motorcycle and loves picnics and poetry, who left his last fiancée at the altar because "it just didn't feel right" and who pretty much acts like a needy woman.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Jerry O'Connell: -20 pts. From "Stand By Me" to this? Shoulda stayed fat.

Faye Dunaway: No damage. She's a Hollywood legend, and this still wasn't as bad as her as a witch in "Supergirl." Yeah, I saw that.

Lauren Stamile: +40 pts. I have no idea who she is, but she's on posters all over NYC, so that's gotta be a step up from working the register at Joann Fabrics.



Overall Grade: F

State of My Mangina: "Healthy"

Coming Soon To EADJ: A Lot of Bad

Two recent developments have just begged for coverage. One is the month-long movie "event" on Lifetime TV, with four different terrible movie adaptations of four different piss-awful Nora Roberts novels. So over the next month (they air every Saturday) we will commit ourselves to watching all four of these bad boys and break it down for you, romance-style.


The other event has been the very excited announcement of Fresh Direct's "Four Minute Meals" sold in vending machines on the 9th and 21st floors of Toucan Cleric's Fun.


All this week, we will be sampling a different entrée. We will then post our thoughts and criticisms and possibly throw the entrée into the street.


Tune in all week (and all month!) for upcoming reviews of microwaved foods and/or godawful romance novella made-for-cable movies!

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

1. Taos Pueblo Native American Reservation, New Mexico: D

2. Leaside Memorial Community Gardens Recreational Complex, Toronto, Ontario: A

3. Rental Beach House, Sea Isle City, New Jersey: F

4. Strathcona Music Building (formerly the Royal Victoria College), McGill School of Music, Montreal, Quebec: C

5. Cristo Redento (Christ the Redeemer) Statue, on the summit of Corcovado Mountain in the Tijuca Forest, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil: B

6. Toucan Cleric's Fun, Men's Bathroom, 24th Floor, New York City: E

* The filthiest toilet was (and is) at Toucan Cleric's Fun.

-----------

And here are the following winners:

Honey Kaplan in Lawrenceville, Georgia got 5 out of 6 right and takes home an apple bag full of old Vogue magazines.

Jehru Managasayan from Cedar Falls, Iowa correctly answered 3 out of 6 and wins a free shoe fitting at his local Lady Foot Locker.

Ethel Merman from Stuttgart, Germany got 2 out of 6 correct and just wants a little validation around here for once.

Gary Langley in Yonkers, New Jersey got 6 out of 6 correct but forgot to completely fill out the entry form so was disqualified. He is currently beating his wife.

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks for playing!

It's Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the toilet to its location. Bonus: Guess which one was the filthiest.



1. Taos Pueblo Native American Reservation, New Mexico

2. Leaside Memorial Community Gardens Recreational Complex, Toronto, Ontario

3. Rental Beach House, Sea Isle City, New Jersey

4. Strathcona Music Building (formerly the Royal Victoria College), McGill School of Music, Montreal, Quebec

5. Cristo Redento (Christ the Redeemer) Statue, on the summit of Corcovado Mountain in the Tijuca Forest, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

6. Toucan Cleric's Fun, Men's Bathroom, 24th Floor, New York City


The answers tomorrow. Good luck!

Joel's Terrible Predictions, 2009

Some of you may not know that Joel is an amateur prognosticator. Joel has studied extensively under his holiness Swami Yaro for the past four years and this week has been certified by the California Board of Prediction and Guessing. The ceremony was a quiet affair held at the Gurnee Mills Mall in Milwaukee, WI with such attendees as pet psychic Bree Cotton, massage therapist Sanja Washburn and Rupaul.


As part of his certification, Swami Yaro has asked Joel to announce his predictions for the upcoming year through March 24, 2010. Here is a list of Joel's predictions:

• Later this year, scientists will find out where all the missing bumblebees have gone- to 146 Oak Street, Andover, Ohio.

• Actor Timothy Hutton will suffer a setback when he forgets his keys in either a Subway deli or a hooker's vagina.

• Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, although widely known to favor black shirts, will decide to wear a dark red shirt in November.

• It will rain fetuses somewhere in the continental United States. Maybe Canada.

• The Old Bridge Deli will close due to nonpayment of taxes (1:1 shot)

• Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough will NOT do the dishes the entire month of April (prove me wrong, Chad!!!!!!!)

• All Circuit City stores will mysteriously close their doors for some unknown reason. Nobody will ever find out why.

• CNN host Nancy Grace will go missing. Nobody will be there to obsess over the sordid details.

• Dragonforce drummer Dave Mackintosh will continue to rock as hard as he ever has. You can put money in the bank on that prediction, baby cheeks.

• Pain will continue to hurt.

• Shaquille O' Neal will kill and eat the Michelin Man. CONFIRMED!

• 21 Red. C'mon, 21 Red.

• Joel's gym will wonder what happened to that hair dryer that was bolted down in the men's locker room. But they will not ask Joel.

Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag

Pictured above, one of the kitchens at Toucan Cleric's Fun.

An Imagined Conversation.

"Gimme the watch."
"Ow! You're hurting me!"
"I said gimme the watch."
"Here."
"And your wallet. And your iPod. Gimme that."
"Here. Please don't hurt me!"
"Shut up."
"Can I go now?"
"No. You stay put or I swear I'll cut you...I want to ask you a question."
"Huh?"
"What the fuck you doin' in Los Vatos Locos territory with your fanny pack and Hawaiian shirt and shit?"
"Los Vatos what?"
"Don't you we run these Jackson Heights streets, son? You can't be wearing red around here."
"Uh... I think I just got lost."
"Gee, you think?"
"I was using this subway pocket map I got from New York Magazine."
"Lemme see that."
"You're still stabbing me."
"Sorry...Shit, dude. I see your problem now."
"What?"


"This formula on the back. The Arithmetic of the Avenues and some shit."
"Yeah, it's pretty confusing."
"Dude, it's downright confounding, yo."


"Uh, so do you know how I can get back to Manhattan?"
"Shit, this thing is totally confusing. I'll just drive you there."
"Really? Thanks."
"No prob. And here, take your iPod back. I hate Death Cab For Cutie."

Committed To Her Art

Spotted in Brazil, a samba singer really gets into the music. Swept away, really.

That's One Tough Wrap.

Mental note: never buy Saran Wrap from a Dollar Store again.

Now Boarding: The Celebrity Deportation Bus!

Everybody hurry!

The bus is leaving in five– no four minutes! There's no time to waste!

Hurry, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson, there's a seat for both of you in the back! Kim Kardashian, I know it's awkward for you to sit so close to Ray Jay, but it's not a long trip. And please, make room for Katy Perry and P!nk, they're sitting across from you.

No, don't bother putting Tinkerbell in her carrying bag, Paris Hilton! Just take Nikki's hand and get on board. Speaking of sisters, nice to see you Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. And I see you've brought your new husband Pete Wentz. Hurry, you three!

Okay, keep loading up, we're on a schedule. Climb aboard, Bai Ling, Amy Winehouse, Brooke & Nick Hogan, Kimberly Stewart, Kelly & Jack Osbourne, Tila Tequila, the cast of Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, Real Chance at Love, and I Love New York, Shauna Sand, Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, Aubrey O' Day, The Pussycat Dolls, "Speidi," Hayden Panitierre, Rihanna and Chris Brown (behave, you two!), David Spade, Denise Richards, Pete Doherty, Nicole Richie, Tara Reid, the Olsen twins, Kendra Wilkinson, Howard K. Stern, Adnan Ghalib, Sam Lufti, and oh, we mustn't forget you, Brandon Davis! Heck, you're driving this thing!

And away we go!

EADJ Travelogue

Spotted by J'Net in Rio De Janeiro, a store display for women's underwear:



"Brazil loves its butts," muttered J'Net.

This Week In "Mentally Draw A Penis Here"

(Submitted by Joel HIMSELF:)



Or print this page out and draw a penis for real. Like I give a shit.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With Soccer Goalkeeping Basics

Unlike all other positions on a soccer team, where anticipation and proaction are necessary, soccer goalkeepers must react. Goalkeepers must wait to know where the shot is going, then react appropriately as fast as possible. That is why improving reaction speed and reflex speed is so critical. After knowing where the ball is going, the soccer goalkeeper must anticipate where the ball will end up in order to time the dive and body positions accordingly. First, make sure you get your body behind the ball as fast as possible. Not any part of the body, but soft muscle tissue. This will prevent rebounds. For instance, getting your quads (upper thigh) behind the ball while picking up or saving a low shot is safer than getting your shin or knee behind it. That's why a quick drop is important. Second, while you need to attack the ball, at the time of contact you need to relax your hands and body just a bit, to the point of slightly retracting. A good practice exercise is to have a couple of soccer goalies play catch with raw eggs. Throw the egg a little short of the body forcing the goalie to step into the throw, i.e. attacking the egg. At the last second, the goalie will relax the body to avoid breaking the egg. Same is true for shots. The coach may choose to bring hard boiled eggs and tell the goalies they are raw eggs, just to avoid a mess the first time around.

Which reminds me: never let a fare eat scrambled eggs in your car. This one time in Connecticut I was driving a lawyer to a morning deposition, and he let a whole plateful of breakfast leak into my renovated buckskin interior. Some people are real bums.

Today's Worst Entry

I've always thought that in photos, Brian Johnson of AC/DC looks like he's about to sneeze.

FLIRTY GIRL!!!!!!!

Hey girls, are you ready to tone up, slim down, and do it all, while still having a ton of FUN? Well, get ready for Flirty Girl Fitness™!!!!!!

Created by Kerry and Krista Knee (really), the Flirty Girl Fitness™ Program is the latest FUN and EXCITING way to get FIT and UNLOCK your inner DIVA!!!! Whether you want to LOSE WEIGHT to fit into a BRIDESMAID'S DRESS, TONE MUSCLES to look better on the BEACH, or ACT LIKE A SLUT to GET ATTENTION, Flirty Girl Fitness™ is the perfect way for you to ACHIEVE your GOALS in record time!!!!!

FORGET about the boring old GYM where the GUYS don't even RESPOND to your insistent MOANING and GRUNTING on the NAUTILUS MACHINE and are probably GAY ANYWAY. FORGET about complicated workout EQUIPMENT that you have to ASSEMBLE and end up HANGING CLOTHES from because you don't have enough ROOM in your small one bedroom APARTMENT to really STORE it anywhere. It's time to GET FUNKY and start EXERCISING the FLIRTY WAY!!!!!

All you'll NEED to start your own Flirty Girl Fitness™ exercise ROUTINE is a Flirty Girl Fitness™ DVD Basic Pack and a CHAIR, because that's the only EQUIPMENT you need to do all the Flirty Girl SEXY MOVES!!!!!


HERE'S a SAMPLE of what you can EXPECT in a Flirty Girl Fitness™ BASIC PACK:

1) Basic Warmup (10 minutes) After putting on a pink half-shirt and a pair of jean shorts, you flip your hair and scream "I love this song!" when Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" starts playing.

2) Pump Up (5 minutes) You drink your fourth daiquiri and spill it on the guy in the next booth. Even though he's with his girlfriend and just trying to have a nice time out, you make clumsy passes to him and even flash him some nip.

3) Main Workout (15 minutes) You partially pee yourself while trying to find The Fray on the jukebox. The bartender refuses to serve you anymore but keeps your ID so you won't go elsewhere. You start crying about how Ryan hasn't called you back even though he said he would when you guys ran into each other at H&M. The jalapeno poppers you ate earlier are now giving you serious farts.

4) Basic Warm-down (5 minutes) You fall asleep while playing Golden Tee. Someone's rubbing your ass, and you groggily respond, but it turns out to be your girlfriend Tina. You make out with her anyway.

5) Stretching (5 minutes) You get thrown out of the bar for entering the men's room and offering $5 hummers. You catch a cab but can't pay since you lost your wallet. The cab drops you off angrily. You fall asleep in a bush underneath your apartment window. Your son's diaper has needed changing for 6 hours.

And THAT'S just a TASTE of the FUN you too can be HAVING with Flirty Girl Fitness™! Just call today to ORDER and SEE how being STARVED for ATTENTION and dancing like a STRIPPER can get you the BODY you want!!!!! (No fatties or married women, please)