Some of you may not know that Joel is an amateur prognosticator. Joel has studied extensively under his holiness Swami Yaro for the past four years and this week has been certified by the California Board of Prediction and Guessing. The ceremony was a quiet affair held at the Gurnee Mills Mall in Milwaukee, WI with such attendees as pet psychic Bree Cotton, massage therapist Sanja Washburn and Rupaul.
As part of his certification, Swami Yaro has asked Joel to announce his predictions for the upcoming year through March 24, 2010. Here is a list of Joel's predictions:
• Later this year, scientists will find out where all the missing bumblebees have gone- to 146 Oak Street, Andover, Ohio.
• Actor Timothy Hutton will suffer a setback when he forgets his keys in either a Subway deli or a hooker's vagina.
• Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, although widely known to favor black shirts, will decide to wear a dark red shirt in November.
• It will rain fetuses somewhere in the continental United States. Maybe Canada.
• The Old Bridge Deli will close due to nonpayment of taxes (1:1 shot)
• Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough will NOT do the dishes the entire month of April (prove me wrong, Chad!!!!!!!)
• All Circuit City stores will mysteriously close their doors for some unknown reason. Nobody will ever find out why.
• CNN host Nancy Grace will go missing. Nobody will be there to obsess over the sordid details.
• Dragonforce drummer Dave Mackintosh will continue to rock as hard as he ever has. You can put money in the bank on that prediction, baby cheeks.
• Pain will continue to hurt.
• Shaquille O' Neal will kill and eat the Michelin Man. CONFIRMED!
• 21 Red. C'mon, 21 Red.
• Joel's gym will wonder what happened to that hair dryer that was bolted down in the men's locker room. But they will not ask Joel.
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