And Yet More Puddles of NYC, Identified by Pantone Number

The island of Manhattan is teeming with vibrant colors and bursting with bodily fluids. Here we document what you almost stepped in before the winter weather freezes everything to shit:

A Short List of Things I Would Rather Hear Than Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood"

If you've been to a strip mall, Jamba Juice, or any other retail store, supermarket, or public space, it's safe to assume you've heard Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood (ft. Kendrick Lamar)."

Now, Taylor Swift has had a remarkable batting average of below-average chart-topping hits, but this recent entry into her catalog happens to be the most irritating, nasal, repetitive piece of tautology this side of a Tourette's convention.

Click here if you hate yourself.

Having been in public places this summer, I've heard this song far too many times for my tastes. Here is a short (but not complete) list of things I would RATHER listen to than that song ever again:

• orphans weeping at a funeral
• squirrel rape
• Axl Rose doing squat thrusts
• Wolverine scratching a mile-long chalkboard
• the Budweiser Clydesdales all evacuating their bowels simultaneously
• Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a dramatic reading of "The Notebook"
• an airhorn blowing directly in my ear for an hour
• A 4-season marathon of every episode of "The View"
• the bloodcurdling screams from botched pig slaughters
• Donald Trump's Presidential acceptance speech
• anything by Y&T
• that audible "snap" heard when Joe Theismann got injured
• Lloyd's "the most annoying sound in the world" from "Dumb and Dumber," in a 24 hour loop
• donkeys braying in a round (like in Row Row Row Your Boat)
• Japanese people trying to pronounce "Lalaloopsy" or "Lululemon"
• someone farting into an empty nuclear reactor to create giant echoes
• "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 4: Tribute

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Woody Harrelson and Brittany Murphy are newlyweds who are suckered into buying a house that is literally FALLING APART! Despite their best efforts, hilarious hi-jinx involving ladders, paint buckets, and a rascally St. Bernard ensue. Special guest appearance by Christopher Walken as a bag lady. Rated G.

What The Movie Was Really About: Brittany Murphy is the granddaughter of a famous actress who allegedly committed suicide. She comes to her grandmother's dilapidated home to fix it up and "flip" it. Jason Lewis plays her comic book artist neighbor who is somehow interested in her. Through a series of dream sequences, Brittany's grandmother reveals that she was in fact murdered! Then they catch the killer and holy shit I'm glad this is the last one.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Mark Hamill plays a young farm boy named Luke Skywalker who finds two droids that have escaped from the clutches of Darth Vader and say they need to find an "Obi Wan Kenobi." They deliver a message from Princess Leia to him, along with schematic plans of a planet-sized battle station called the Death Star which Leia asks them to deliver to her home planet Alderaan. The group hire a cocky pilot named Han Solo and his Wookiee first mate Chewbacca to take them there. Instead, they find the planet destroyed and get captured by the Death Star. They avoid capture and eventually free Princess Leia. But Obi Wan confronts Darth Vader in order to assure their escape. Obi Wan is struck down, and the group escapes on Solo's ship, the Millennium Falcon. All of them (except Han Solo) join the Rebel Alliance. The rebels study the Death Star plans and find a weakness in its defenses. They plan their attack just as the Death Star discovers where their base is. They blow up the Death Star (with some last minute help from Han Solo!) and are awarded shiny medals at a fancy ceremony.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Yes, once again the handsome male lead fawns over the female lead although she isn't having it, and quite frankly this time is pretty nasty to him. Brittany Murphy (who I hear is crazy) pouts, mugs and overacts throughout this production. And the guy is so wooden you could mount a backboard on him and shoot a few hoops. AGAIN, this is a terribly weak 'love story' and is more about the murder mystery, peppered with some annoying dream sequences of the grandmother's fabulous dinner parties.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Woody Harrelson: -10 pts for just looking like he's in the poster.

Jason Lewis: +60 pts. My wife tells me he was on Sex and the City. So I'm assuming this is a big step up for him. Go get 'em, champ!

Brittany Murphy: -80 pts. Not that her star fell that far or anything. The amount is punitive. Plus I hear she's crazy.





Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Slack but Relieved"

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 3: Northern Lights

Boy, this was a stinker. Combine terrible acting with poor writing with real life gossip of LeAnn Rimes cheating on her husband with the male lead, and you've got a huge bowl of Suck Jambalaya. Or since this was set in Alaska, Suck Herring.

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Eddie Cibrian plays a pilot who crashes near LeAnn Rimes' cabin. They're snowed in, so they pull the penis-in-the-vagina trick a few times. Bank shot!

What The Movie Was Really About: Eddie Cibrian plays the new chief of police in the small Alaskan town of Lunacy. LeAnn Rimes is a headstrong but skilled pilot who needs his help solving the mystery of her father's murder. But since it's a small town, everyone is a suspect! Strangely, nobody blames the minority.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: LeAnn Rimes possesses the superhuman ability to turn everything to ice just by singing some clichéd country songs. Eddie Cibrian shows up to seduce her, but she turns him to ice, smashing him into a thousand crystalline shards. Her vocal chords freeze so that she cannot sing any longer, and a pizza delivery guy knocks on my door with 4 free pepperoni pizzas.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Once again, the female lead is the career-driven aggressor, with the male as an apron-wearing, emotionally-dependent wuss-wuss. Nora Roberts doesn't seem to understand that making female leads strong doesn't mean she has to rip the balls off of her mate. I feel sorry for Mister Roberts, sadly running that Swiffer Duster all over Nora's bric-a-brac.

And is a clip that shows off both LeAnn Rimes' acting chops and Nora Roberts' natural way with dialogue:




----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Eddie Cibrian: Fart. 0 pts.

LeAnn Rimes: -30 pts. Hoping to parlay her spotlight as a singer into some sort of acting career, she signed up for a Lifetime Original Movie and ended up creating a marital scandal instead. Walmart parking lots are now filled with burning piles of her CDs.

Rosanna Arquette: -60 pts. From her amazing roles in "Pulp Fiction" and "Desperately Seeking Susan" to being reduced to THIS:


Yes, you heard that line of dialogue right: "Somebody hacked an ice axe into his chest and left him there to die."

Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Irritated but Clean"

Halfway Through A Shit Sandwich

With "Midnight Bayou" and "High Noon" under the belt, we're only 2 more god-awful Lifetime Nora Roberts romance TV movies away from not watching any more Lifetime Nora Roberts romance TV movies. Next up: "Tribute" starring Brittany Murphy (I hear she's crazy) and one of the Old Navy mannequins. Since we did miss the Lifetime broadcast of "Northern Lights," starring LeeAnn Rimes and WhotheFuck AreTheseLeadingMen, we just might have to purchase it on iTunes to catch up.

Stay tuned!

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 2: High Noon

Our month of bad continues– albeit with a few glitches– and today we review last Saturday's second Lifetime Nora Roberts Original movie "High Noon," starring that guy from "Opposite of Love" and Claire from "LOST."

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Ivan Sergei is a renegade, shirtless cop tracking down a jewel thief who turns out to be the blonde chick he's been banging. They have a lot of sex while still not totally trusting each other. Music by The Fray.

What The Movie Was Really About: Claire from "LOST" plays Lieutenant Phoebe McNamara, a hostage negotiator in a city that needs one on a regular basis. Her nemesis turns out to be some SWAT guy whose lover she accidentally let die. He stalks her, bombs a few locations, and naturally takes hostages at the jewelry store where he bought the engagement ring for his dead lover. She tricks him into standing up and a sniper takes him out. The end. Oh, also, Ivan Sergei plays the needy, thoughtful, and mandatorily WEALTHY love interest who makes tea for her and is put off to the side when her career takes a front seat.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Two cops meet after their laundry loses both of their loads of clothes. A meteor shower comes and spectacularly destroys their city, so they seek shelter in an underground bunker with plenty of snacks and zombie DVDs, and they play XBox and fuck. They have a robot companion.

Nora Roberts Excellence: A useless role for Cybill Shepherd as Claire's agoraphobic mother. I thought her fear of leaving the house would somehow become a key plot point. Nope!

I also noticed from the two movies that Nora Roberts isn't doing straight up romance; she's inserting her shitty romance stories in more interesting genres like supernatural or crime. Sort of like a tofu burger- it's shaped to look delicious, but it's tofu.


----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Ivan Sergei: Who? 0 pts. No harm, no foul.

Claire From "LOST": -14 pts. From a fantastic, intelligently written hit series to slumming with Nora Roberts is not a good career move. But it can't be all that terrible if I have yet to learn her name.

Cybill Shepherd: -20 pts. Her star has lost a little luster with this TV movie. But she has looked worse:




Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Plump but Dry"

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 1: Midnight Bayou

Jerry O'Connell?! Oh, dude. Gotta pay the bills, right. Shit.


What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Jerry O'Connell uses the Heimlich maneuver on some lady in Louisiana who's choking on a Po'Boy. They fuck.

What The Movie Was Really About: Jerry O'Connell play Declan, a lawyer from Boston who buys and moves into an old mansion in New Orleans. But the mansion comes with it supernatural secrets. And his new romance, restauranteur Lena, is a descendent of the spirits who haunt the house. Through the help of spirit medium Odette, the two lovers discover they are reincarnated from star-crossed lovers who were separated by a jealous, murderous brother.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Jerry O'Connell uses the Heimlich maneuver on some lady in Louisiana who's choking on a Po'Boy. They fuck. Then giant robots take over the world.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Jerry O'Connell playing some rich lawyer guy who rides a motorcycle and loves picnics and poetry, who left his last fiancée at the altar because "it just didn't feel right" and who pretty much acts like a needy woman.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Jerry O'Connell: -20 pts. From "Stand By Me" to this? Shoulda stayed fat.

Faye Dunaway: No damage. She's a Hollywood legend, and this still wasn't as bad as her as a witch in "Supergirl." Yeah, I saw that.

Lauren Stamile: +40 pts. I have no idea who she is, but she's on posters all over NYC, so that's gotta be a step up from working the register at Joann Fabrics.



Overall Grade: F

State of My Mangina: "Healthy"

Coming Soon To EADJ: A Lot of Bad

Two recent developments have just begged for coverage. One is the month-long movie "event" on Lifetime TV, with four different terrible movie adaptations of four different piss-awful Nora Roberts novels. So over the next month (they air every Saturday) we will commit ourselves to watching all four of these bad boys and break it down for you, romance-style.


The other event has been the very excited announcement of Fresh Direct's "Four Minute Meals" sold in vending machines on the 9th and 21st floors of Toucan Cleric's Fun.


All this week, we will be sampling a different entrée. We will then post our thoughts and criticisms and possibly throw the entrée into the street.


Tune in all week (and all month!) for upcoming reviews of microwaved foods and/or godawful romance novella made-for-cable movies!