Monday, March 30, 2009

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 1: Midnight Bayou

Jerry O'Connell?! Oh, dude. Gotta pay the bills, right. Shit.


What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Jerry O'Connell uses the Heimlich maneuver on some lady in Louisiana who's choking on a Po'Boy. They fuck.

What The Movie Was Really About: Jerry O'Connell play Declan, a lawyer from Boston who buys and moves into an old mansion in New Orleans. But the mansion comes with it supernatural secrets. And his new romance, restauranteur Lena, is a descendent of the spirits who haunt the house. Through the help of spirit medium Odette, the two lovers discover they are reincarnated from star-crossed lovers who were separated by a jealous, murderous brother.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Jerry O'Connell uses the Heimlich maneuver on some lady in Louisiana who's choking on a Po'Boy. They fuck. Then giant robots take over the world.

Nora Roberts Excellence:
Jerry O'Connell playing some rich lawyer guy who rides a motorcycle and loves picnics and poetry, who left his last fiancée at the altar because "it just didn't feel right" and who pretty much acts like a needy woman.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Jerry O'Connell: -20 pts. From "Stand By Me" to this? Shoulda stayed fat.

Faye Dunaway: No damage. She's a Hollywood legend, and this still wasn't as bad as her as a witch in "Supergirl." Yeah, I saw that.

Lauren Stamile: +40 pts. I have no idea who she is, but she's on posters all over NYC, so that's gotta be a step up from working the register at Joann Fabrics.



Overall Grade:
F

State of My Mangina: "Healthy"

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