The Newest Benefits of an AMC Stubs Membership

Movie theaters are brimming with repeat customers, thanks to AMC's Stubs loyalty program, and thanks to the slew of perks that its members enjoy. Here are the latest benefits added to this wildly successful program:

• If you plan to propose to your girl in the theatre, we'll put the ring in the popcorn and try to pour butter around it rather than on it

• Our ushers have been professionally trained to yeet loud people

• We'll let you take one of our lobby standees home and have sex with it if you promise to bring it back

• Free beeper so you can leave the theatre and have lunch and dinner while the trailers are playing

• Free admission to any new movie starring expired character actor Thomas Mitchell

• If our concession employees spontaneously break out into a rap cipher, you will automatically be invited to spit some bars

BEANSNAPPERS

Andrew's been sending me shots of ads for this Wisconsin strip joint that he keeps seeing in Chicago. BEANSNAPPERS.


Beansnappers?! What the shit name is that? That either sounds like a farmer's market for kids or a painful procedure that you perform on a woman's clitoris in college.


No word on whether Andrew or Vince have actually been to Beansnappers yet. But it's only a matter of time, right?

Possible explanations for the name "Beansnappers:"

• The club originally started as a processing barn for a nearby farm which grew jumping beans. The jumping beans were often too active and "jumpy" for harvesters to handle and ship, so they had to let the beans "nap" in a quiet, dark barn. When the farm was foreclosed years later, this "beans napper" barn was eventually sold to a sleazy businessman who wanted to start a strip club.

• The original owner of the strip club was a woman named Gidelle Hargrove. She was keenly interested in reptiles and amphibians, particularly her snapping turtle. The club was named "Beantown," after Hargrove's native Boston. One day during the renovation of the club, some lumber fell and crushed her pet turtle to death. Distraught, Hargrove immediately ordered the sign be changed as a tribute to her pet, and "Beansnappers" was born.

• Back in the 70's, when drugs were given crazy names, pills in the Wisconsin area were commonly known as "beans." The strip club was run by the mafia, and strippers there had to pull double duty as both dancers and drug dealers. In their arrogance and hubris, the mafia brazenly named the club "Beansnappers," thinking the local police wouldn't catch on with the name. They did. The club was officially shut down for decades until it was resurrected by three local Mormon missionaries in 2003, who now run the club as a way to pay for bicycle maintenance.


Whatever the origin of that club's stupid name, it seems like they're doing fine with it. I did, however, find a more suitable name for them from a different business the other day:


Visit Beansnappers' website here, you cur.

An Imagined Conversation.

"Gimme the watch."
"Ow! You're hurting me!"
"I said gimme the watch."
"Here."
"And your wallet. And your iPod. Gimme that."
"Here. Please don't hurt me!"
"Shut up."
"Can I go now?"
"No. You stay put or I swear I'll cut you...I want to ask you a question."
"Huh?"
"What the fuck you doin' in Los Vatos Locos territory with your fanny pack and Hawaiian shirt and shit?"
"Los Vatos what?"
"Don't you we run these Jackson Heights streets, son? You can't be wearing red around here."
"Uh... I think I just got lost."
"Gee, you think?"
"I was using this subway pocket map I got from New York Magazine."
"Lemme see that."
"You're still stabbing me."
"Sorry...Shit, dude. I see your problem now."
"What?"


"This formula on the back. The Arithmetic of the Avenues and some shit."
"Yeah, it's pretty confusing."
"Dude, it's downright confounding, yo."


"Uh, so do you know how I can get back to Manhattan?"
"Shit, this thing is totally confusing. I'll just drive you there."
"Really? Thanks."
"No prob. And here, take your iPod back. I hate Death Cab For Cutie."

An Imagined Conversation.

The following photo was found on the front page of the current issue of Local Talk, "New Jersey's Weekly Newspaper Covering Oranges, Irvington, Maplewood, Bloomfield, Montclair, Newark & More:"




Here now is that imagined conversation, already in progress:

Carol: Hey Sally.










Sally: Hi Carol. Sorry I'm late.










Carol: No, you're just in time. Now you can hold up the other end of the sign. I was propping your side up against the newspaper machine there.








Sally: Okay. Do you want coffee? I need a coffee.










Carol: Sally, you just got here.










Sally: I know, but I need my coffee to get the ol' juices flowing. I was in a rush, and I didn't have time to get my hair done, and I had to let the dog out, and...








Carol: "Get the juices flowing?" Sally, really.










Sally: It's not dirty. It's an expression I heard from Cyrus. And you know he doesn't swear.










Carol: Hold the sign straight, Sally. We're protesting here.










Sally: Yes, you're right. SAVE THE DEER!










Carol: SAVE THE DEER!










Sally: SAVE THE DEER!










Carol: SAVE THE... you're shaking the sign, Sally.










Sally: Sorry. This bag of copies is throwing me off.










Carol: Copies?










Sally: Yes, I made copies of my resumé to hand out! You wanna see?









Carol: I don't feel like you're taking this protest seriously, Sally. South Mountain's deer depend on us. And Shirley if she ever gets here.








Sally: Shirley is a whore and a slut.










Carol: SALLY!










Sally: I'm sorry. But the way she stole my sister's husband, I will never forgive her for. She's a homewrecker and a tramp.









Carol: Leave it out of the protest. Keep your mind here to protect the deer. SAVE THE DEER!









Sally: You're going to hate me, Carol, but I'm just not prepared to do this today. You've got your gloves and your Ugg boots, and I don't even have my hair in a bun, and I'm distracted from Shirley stealing Gerald from Anne. And the dog has diarrhea...Wait. Did that man just take a photo of us?





CLICK.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight: Basit Hound

From a "Basset Hound Puppies" page, a comment by "Blakefe," who hails directly from the pages of "Of Mice And Men:"

i just showed this to my mom she love her basit we call him ralph ever cence we got him dad has give him all the nick names he gave me and mom gets us all mixed up when she calls for one of us like she would whant me but she would call ralp or george(dad) and then say i mean blake or in any other order

The Dick Thickens

Anyone who's ever met a Belgian knows that the Belgian people are an intense, singleminded people. So when the Belgian consulate in Washington D.C. announced that they were including Joel Eating Dick as part of the emblem of their national flag, you knew they weren't being facetious.

Political talk shows, most notably "Hardball" with Chris Matthews, thought the announcement was a ploy to curry favor with the United States through Joel eating dick. Bill O' Reilly even went so far as to call Joel "A dick-eating lapdog of the outdated Belgian monarchy." India thought the announcement was a ploy to curry flavor.

(pictured above, a chart)