Introducing: The EADJ Facebook Defriender

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When it comes to Facebook postings, we at EADJ we believe in the "3 Strikes" rule; everyone gets several passes when it comes to posting stupid stuff on their Walls. But even we have our limits, which is why we've started the EADJ Facebook Defriender: a way for us to prune the tree of digital friendship when certain branches get annoying as shit.

This first pruning is our friend K_______ from ___________, who we know from _________. We posted some time ago when we noticed that K_______ uploaded very sexualized drawings of Betty Boop as their profile pic, in addition to posting every Farmville acquisition or horoscope she got daily. That's strike one.


Recently, they decided to post every music video that Nickelback ever produced. All at once.





Strike two. Then ON THE SAME DAY, when they ran out of Nickelback, they started posting music videos by Creed:


Fucking UNACCEPTABLE.


Auf Wiedersehen, K_______! Don't let the door hit your creepy cartoon ass on the way out!



GAME OVER

Every "Best Supporting Actress" Nomination Set-Up Speech.

"A nurse lost on a beach. A mother-to-be on the run from the law. A desperate jewelry shop owner. A prostitute who can read minds. And an autistic stewardess with enormous breasts. These are the nominees for "Best Supporting Actress." This year's performances ranged from the absurd and harrowing to the triumphant and luminescent. And tonight, we celebrate these five roles, each played to perfection by the finest actresses they could find for the budget with the best approximate age and costume size specs. Each honed their craft and poured their soul onto the screen for all the world to see– at least the parts of the world that have artsy movie theatres that can show such obscure and almost-definitely not profitable films.

"Tonight's nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:

Emily Blunt in "Nights In Florence Nightingale"

Cameron Diaz in "Broke Water"

Marcia Gay Harden in "Gold Leaf Detail"

Charlize Theron in "You're Name's Not John"

and Salma Hayek in "24D"

"And the winner is..."

I Promise Not To Use the Word "Douche" in This Entry. Whoops.

Chad: Hey Brad!

Brad: Chad. Todd.

Todd: Chad. Brad.

Chad: Nice. Blue striped shirt, khakis.

Brad: Uniform of champs, right?

(fist bump)

Chad: You read to chow, fags?

Brad: Yeah, I gotta get back to the office in a bit, though.

Todd: Yeah, me too. Can't chow for long. Maybe one brew.

Chad: Power lunch. One brew.



Waitress: Are you guys ready to order?

Brad: Fuck yeah. Turkey burger. Stella on tap.

Chad: Turkey burger. Stella on tap.

Todd: Soy burger. Sam Adams on tap.

Brad: Fag.

Chad: Fag.

Todd: Let me change that. Stella on tap.

Brad: Fag.

Chad: Fag.

Todd: Is it too late to make that a turkey burger?

Waitress:

EADJ Song Hate, Third Edition

Today we hate "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.

See? Just a mention of that song and you already have the damn thing playing in your head. That beginning drum beat, then that whinnying guitar. It's a prime example of something that's been drilled by so much repetition into your brain that it's probably part of your DNA now.


And like our previous entry, "Margaritaville," the song "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)" is not by any means a BAD song. It's written and sung very well. Never mind that it's Rob Thomas– I recently saw him goofing on the excellent FX series "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and he seems like 97% less of a douche than I used to think him as. So it's a good song, performed amazingly by virtuoso Carlos Santana. Wikipedia says it won three Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. It spent a record-breaking ten consecutive weeks at the top of the VSpot Top 20 Countdown on VH1. A catchy, perfect piece of rock pop ushering in a beloved rock legend's stellar comeback.

But holy mother of shit. The radio took that 5 minute song and flooded the airwaves like an analogy that I'm too lazy to come up with. I mean, it's been relentless, nonstop playing in a neverending loop from 1999 to the PRESENT. Turn on any radio– that shit is playing RIGHT NOW.

Watch the video, which is probably playing on VH1 as we speak. All the way through. I dare you. I'll give you a dollar.



And not only is it still playing on the radio and on TV, for some godforsaken reason, people are DOWNLOADING that fucker on iTunes. WTF humanity?


So I'm not going to do the breakdown of the lyrics or any of that shit this time, because we have all heard it many times and we will for many times to come. None of us can ever avoid hearing "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)." We can only hope to endure it again and again and again. Put that bad boy up in the rafters, even though it will never be truly retired. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Joel's Terrible Predictions, 2009

Some of you may not know that Joel is an amateur prognosticator. Joel has studied extensively under his holiness Swami Yaro for the past four years and this week has been certified by the California Board of Prediction and Guessing. The ceremony was a quiet affair held at the Gurnee Mills Mall in Milwaukee, WI with such attendees as pet psychic Bree Cotton, massage therapist Sanja Washburn and Rupaul.


As part of his certification, Swami Yaro has asked Joel to announce his predictions for the upcoming year through March 24, 2010. Here is a list of Joel's predictions:

• Later this year, scientists will find out where all the missing bumblebees have gone- to 146 Oak Street, Andover, Ohio.

• Actor Timothy Hutton will suffer a setback when he forgets his keys in either a Subway deli or a hooker's vagina.

• Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch, although widely known to favor black shirts, will decide to wear a dark red shirt in November.

• It will rain fetuses somewhere in the continental United States. Maybe Canada.

• The Old Bridge Deli will close due to nonpayment of taxes (1:1 shot)

• Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough will NOT do the dishes the entire month of April (prove me wrong, Chad!!!!!!!)

• All Circuit City stores will mysteriously close their doors for some unknown reason. Nobody will ever find out why.

• CNN host Nancy Grace will go missing. Nobody will be there to obsess over the sordid details.

• Dragonforce drummer Dave Mackintosh will continue to rock as hard as he ever has. You can put money in the bank on that prediction, baby cheeks.

• Pain will continue to hurt.

• Shaquille O' Neal will kill and eat the Michelin Man. CONFIRMED!

• 21 Red. C'mon, 21 Red.

• Joel's gym will wonder what happened to that hair dryer that was bolted down in the men's locker room. But they will not ask Joel.

Kreppuspilið!

Anyone who knows Joel or has read EADJ knows that Joel's second favorite activity is to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið. And Friday night was no exception.

His chimp servant Chad Yarborough was anxious to break Joel's winning streak of 80 straight games and to win back the respect of his fellow chimp servants in the apartment complex. So the opening pleasant chit-chat was dispensed with quickly and they got down to "brass tacks."

Joel rolled a 14 on the 3 rolling dice, landing him squarely on the "A.I.T.A." square. So for the next 6 rounds, Joel had to hold a handful of acorns in his anus. 4 points.

His chimp servant drew a blue "Freestyle" card, so for the next hour, he was allowed to walk along the Santa Monica Promenade and sucker punch pregnant teenagers. 6 points.

Joel's luck didn't change the next round. He had moved his game piece near the "crackle" zone, so he was forced to drink a mug-full of Everclear and call all of his relatives and tell them he was "cracklin' shitfaced." 2 points.

The chimp servant spun the Kreppuspilið spinner, which landed on "Lynn Redgrave." Joel had to wait patiently while the chimp servant watched every movie, short film, and television appearance that the actress Lynn Redgrave had been in, including "Me, Eloise." This turn took 3 weeks.

Joel finally had enough Kreppuspilið cards to collect a "Kreppuspilið" mission card but unfortunately had forgotten to yell "Kreppuspilið!" as outlined by the rules. So another handful of acorns went into his anus. 4 points.

A noisy dog outside had distracted the chimp servant so much that he had rolled a 4 on the pop-up dice. The poor chimp was forced to surrender all his properties and territories to Joel and had to watch Joel loudly stroke one off to release. Rules.

So Joel continues his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak. But like all great Kreppuspilið champions, Joel refuses to gloat and instead devotes 5 hours of his free time delivering a wheelbarrow full of canned goods to cemeteries and screaming "I'm too late! Kreppuspilið!"

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."

A Conversation I Had With Chad Kroeger From Nickelback After Waking Up In His Arms One Morning

"Good morning."
"Hi."
"What time is it?"
"11:22."
"Aren't you Chad Kroeger From Nickelback?"
"Yeah."
"What happened last night?"
"Nothing. I'm pretty sure we just spooned."
"Oh."
(awkward pause)
"Why did we spoon?"
"Who knows. These things just happen."
"Just so you know, I'm not gay."
"Well, neither am I."
"That did feel nice, though."
"Yeah, didn't it?"
(another awkward pause)
"You know your music fucking sucks, right?"
"Don't ruin the moment."

Exeunt