Fresh Direct Monday: Chicken and Cheese Cannelloni, or How To Burn The Everloving Shit Out of Your Mouth

Our week of bad begins today with a sampling of Italian food from the vending machine on 21. Now, much fanfare had been given to this new machine. Tabletents, easel boards, and flyers were everywhere, begging people to try this new fantastic food.


A quick elevator ride to 21 showed that the advertising hadn't really worked, because the kitchen was pretty much empty. Well, it was a nice day out, so let's give Fresh Direct the benefit of the doubt.


The selections were easy to read and very straightforward. From Presto Italiano, I had the choice of Classic Chicken Parmesan & Spaghetti, Chicken & Cheese Cannelloni w/Pesto & Spinach, and Lobster Ravioli w/ Classic Vodka Sauce & Basil. I decided on the Chicken & Cheese Cannelloni because it had the most ampersands.


Since the dish was $7.95, you can't pay in cash. Instead, the machine wants you to perpetuate the vicious cycle of debt that you've gotten yourself trapped into ever since your student loans.


A quick pop into the microwave, set for 3 minutes, and we'll have food!


During the three minutes, I took the liberty to read up on the nutritional facts about the entrée I was about to sample. 580 calories?! Shit, that's like 2.5 cheeseburgers.


And despite it having 1320 mg of sodium, I had an inkling that I would still need salt.




And once I popped that in my mouth, a volcano of pain shot up through my forehead. A spike of magma pierced both eyeballs and turned my throat to ash. In my haste to try the food, I forgot my college training to LET MICROWAVED FOOD SIT OUT FOR A MINUTE. Big duh.


But once the cannelloni had cooled down, I tasted it again, and it wasn't much better than the physical pain. It had hints of pesto and spinach, and it was technically shaped like a cannelloni, but tastewise, it was like a pesto gorilla devoured a raw chicken and then blew his nose into a cannelloni dishrag.




Overall rating: F