Capitalism in 2021

Pictured, lower half: a YouTube preroll that announces that Amazon raised its minimum wage to  $15/hr for warehouse employees. Rather than actually improve working conditions and paying their employees more, Amazon decided to spend a lot of that money on promoting their modest pay raises.

Pictured top half: Jeff Bezos takes off into the upper atmosphere for 15 minutes with William Shatner and a small group of other rich people in a dick-shaped rocket not to further science or break new ground, just because.

EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog

The only reason this catalog is still in business is because there are still lots of bored rich people who are easily duped. That's actually been their mission statement for the past 10 years.

Click to enlarge and read:

Six Lies Told By The New Jersey Performing Arts Center Brochure

1) "Stone's throw away," my dick. Clive Barnes of the New York Post is located on 47th Street and Avenue of the Americas- a good 14 miles from the NJPAC. If you can throw a stone 14 miles, Clive, then you're underusing your Kryptonian superpowers and have a lot of unrescued orphan buses to answer for.

2) That photo is not of famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma but of his practical joker brother Bao-Zhi Ma. What a kidder!

3) Diana Krall, Yo-Yo Bao-Zhi Ma, and Cesar Milan did not receive special permission from the NJPAC to appear in photos without their fat face resting on their hand like the other 5 celebs.

4) Alicia Graf Mack was not required in her Alvin Ailey performance to jump from the stage to the fifth level balcony. She just did, and everyone was basically cool with it. Mostly.

5) "Purchase parking in advance and save," my dick. You save like .50 on the pass, but they charge you a $2 "convenience fee" for the online purchase. Do yourself a favor and just ride on the bumper of the city bus. Fuck it.

6) "This is not a 'since we're going to the theater, we may as well eat here' place…" If that were true, why would Nico advertise on a theatre brochure? How disingenuous is that? "Oh, we are totally a destination restaurant, so fuck the theatre, but if you are going to the theatre, you should check us out." Eat my dick, Nico. As soon as Joel is done with it. You'll get your turn.

-----------------------

EADJ is thrilled to announce a collaboration with Tesla Motors, a project 4 years in the making. Coming November 2016, the Tesla Model 6L a mid-priced premium electric vehicle which will be rolling off the assembly line just in time for Christmas of 2016.

Some features of the 6L:

• A 185 kWh battery that lasts for 6 months without a charge

• Ramp handicapped access to the 3rd row

• 0-60 mph in .35 seconds

• Quadruple motor all-wheel drive

• Unfair comparisons to Joe Isuzu

• Giant, hideous "6" vinyl sticker, totally removable

Figure 7.8: How Some Things Suck More Than Others

(Click to enlarge)

We've taken the time to plot "Incident On a Dark Street" on the EADJ Crappinema Badness Scale. You'll see it falls between "Shell Game" and "All the Kind Strangers," which means it was actually pretty semi-watchable.

And just for scale of reference to mainstream movies, if I were to put "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" on this graph, you'd see it between "Somewhere Tomorrow" and "Jock of the Bushveldt." Yeah, THAT bad.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Incident On A Dark Street

Like many of the other DVDs by EastWestDVD, "Incident On a Dark Street" features a big star on its cover who is barely on screen for 15 minutes. But William Shatner takes that nugget of a role and soars with it, on wings of his magnificent 70's moustache.

"Incident On a Dark Street" was initially the dull story about the U.S. Department nailing the boss of a crime ring who's trying to silence all the squealers. But the director took that boring script and turned it into a full-blown boring TV movie. All in all, it's full of boring angles, pedantic dialogue, and Oh God, look at that moustache. That thing is exquisite.





























For more information on the "sturgeon face," click here.










Later, a couple cavorting under a dock(?) find a dead body. The performance by the woman was ALMOST "The Third Greatest Performance of All Time," but after careful review from the EADJ Board, it was only given an Honorary Mention.



Here is that performance:
















Overall Grade: F