Hey Playmobil

Hey Playmobil,

If you come in for a sonogram but your healthcare provider gets you an MRI instead, they’re inflating your bill to get paid more from your insurance.

Also, DO NOT WEAR HEADPHONES in an MRI machine.

Also, they should NOT be drinking on the job.

Th... Th... That's All, Racist Appliances!

It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To The Stuff That Marketers, Lazy Copywriters, and Shitty Cable News Channels Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Bye-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on what's leftover from Netflix. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Star Trek: Ensign Gomez

• Tony Hawk's Radical Real Estate Tips

• Dr. Pimple Popper Wipes Her Ass

• The Big Bong Theory: A Totally Stoked Out PARODY!

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• You Should Probably Not Be Watching This

• Reruns of Old Osama Bin Laden Speeches (with laugh track)

• Bitch Doulas

• America Doesn't Have As Much Talent As We Initially Thought

• Flip That House and Barely Make Your Money Back

Smecial Dreams Two-Shot

Yeah I know these are just texts between Andrew and me. We're lovers.

Some Thoughts By The Artist Whose Artwork Is Currently Hanging in The Starbucks Inside The Target Store In Bridgewater, NJ

• I can't believe they hung pendant lamps in front of "Discussion No. 5" and "Connexion," two of the most important pieces in the series.

• Target's "curator," if they can even call her that, failed to mention that everything from the walls to the shopping carts to the countertops would be bright red. That completely turns my work from eyecatching to wallpaper!

• I really should have cropped the penis out of "Expansion No. 3," although most people would probably see it as a goofy bottle. LOL

• Should have used more puce overall.

• I wonder if it's awkward for art critics when they have to study my work standing over shoppers drinking their moccachino lattes.

• That check from Target cleared, right?

• Wait. Is this gallery area so remote from foot traffic that only employees on break use it to text their friends?! Noo.

Brand Casualizing

In an attempt to be more accessible to consumers, lots of brands are making their handle abbreviated and less formal. This could possibly be traced to today's texting and tweeting culture, or you could attribute the trend to TRL, KFC, SNL or J-Lo.



Regardless, this shortening trend is not going away soon. Here are some upcoming brand makeovers:

• Chipotle will now be known as "Chipoat" without the annoying "lay"
• Leona Lewis will strip down to an outfit made only of white straps and rename herself "Leeloo"
• Dave will get rid of Buster, who was always the dumb one anyway
• Nokia will shorten their name to "Kia." No, wait a minute...
• Del Taco restaurants will close
• Oil of Olay will be shorted to Oilay
• Duracell will be changed to "The Dure," cuz that's all awesome and totally sweet
• Oprah's "O" Magazine will be halved into a "C"
• The band "Daughtry" will actually lengthen their name to "Wildebeest Assholes Grinding On Your Dad's Cock If You Listen To This Music You Fucking Tool Jagoff"

Everybody's Going Green

In response to new U.S. efforts to reshape energy habits, individuals around the world have pledged to be more environmentally conscious. Among these:


Bill O'Reilly has vowed to be half the overheated gasbag that he is.

Michael Knight will walk more.

Las Vegas has announced turning the lights off in casinos that aren't winning big.

Amy Winehouse has stopped using tampons altogether.

"Weird Al" Yankovic will switch to using biofuels, making him almost 30% less weird.

The 1954 Penguins song "Earth Angel" will be played in a loop on the loudspeaker at Nascar events.

Optimus Prime will transform into a truck only when absolutely necessary.

Pornstar Jenna Jameson will recycle more. No, that's not a dirty double entendre. She will actually separate her trash from her recyclables. You guys need to grow up.

Africa will use its light bulb less.

Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia will steal only earth-friendly material from other comedians.

Demolition derbies are now just guys in helmets shoving each other.

The Applebee's waitstaff will be way less enthusiastic about your birthday.

Fiji bottled water will continue to ship their overpriced water in huge plastic bottles across thousands of miles, but they will advertise more about how they've told their truck drivers not to use so many paper napkins during lunch breaks.

Kinko's is working on paperless ways to spectacularly fuck up your copies.

Douchebags on jet skis have offered to paddle more.

M. Night Shyamalan is working on a movie starring Mark Wahlberg that conveys a message about our impact on the planet, but in a thought-provoking, suspenseful, and altogether unforgettable way.

Taco Bell announced its new Recycled Cloth Soft Taco.

The AOL start page now reroutes visitors directly to porn sites.

Dammit

Another two 5-letter words I wasn't psyched about seeing together.

Two 5-Letter Words That Should Never Be Together.

Some phrases that the male characters in "Brothers and Sisters" use that no one with a penis would say.

One show J'Net really, really likes is Brothers and Sisters on ABC. In case you haven't heard of it, it's this schmaltzy family drama where people talk as if they're all in one huge therapy session. All the kids are grown, so they can all talk maturely to one another (and their parents) with "clever" dialogue about how their relationships have evolved and all. Some plinky piano music plays during really poignant moments of realization, and then I go to the kitchen to jab a corkscrew into my eye. Here are some examples of the type of dialogue you can expect from the male characters:

"You're really lucky you've got Julian in your life."

"That is a recipe for disaster."

"Sometimes I think you're just distancing yourself from the things you really want."

"Tell you what, little brother, I'll take care of it. But you owe me big, buddy."

"I've had an epiphany, Karla."

"Give me some time alone. I need to be mad at you for a while."

"Do you want to make love again?"

"It's not that I resent him for being successful, it's just that I feel like life owes me more."

"My vagina itches!"

"Dad, we're never going to find common ground. Let's just agree to disagree, okay?"

And then cut away to commercials for Jenny Craig and that shampoo that makes you cum.

Genuine Reaction Time.

(pictured above, whilst watching a segment on Oprah about polygamy, J'Net gets upset because there are no women with multiple husbands. I mean, where's the equality?!?)