Some Movie Screenplay Ideas Based On The Names of Carpet Swatches At Home Depot

The premise of this segment is that Hollywood's studios are all out of original ideas, etc etc, and they're so desperate for something to base a movie on that they go to Home Depot and use the titles of carpet swatches as a starting point. Here's what "they" came up with:

"First Base" starring Dacre Montgomery, Victoria Justice, Donald Glover, and Cara Delevigne

This 80s-style teen romp chronicles the misadventures of Dean (Montgomery), the new kid in town who was somehow lucky enough to start school at the same time that the 5 hottest girls broke up with their football player boyfriends. Also starring J.K. Simmons as the always angry Principal Gooche.

"Hurried" starring Eddie Redmayne, Donald Glover, Eddie Griffin, and Gigi Hadad. Directed by Ron Howard.

"Speed" meets "Baby Driver" in this full throttle action thriller. A war between Über and Lyft drivers intensifies when an unknown terrorist (played by TBA brown actor) loads taxis throughout New York City with explosives. Also starring Paul Reiser as himself.

"Charming" starring Harry Styles, Tyrese Gibson, Jessica Chastain and Cary Elwes.

How did Prince Charming get that way? This delightful live action prequel to all the princess stories you've ever seen takes us behind the scenes of the Charming family. We learn how hard work, good breeding and a cheeky white horse (voiced by Cary Elwes) shaped the dashing, generic personality of the famous Prince.

"Palmdale I & II" starring Michael Peña, Adam Brody, Millie Bobby Brown, and Donald Glover. Directed by Ridley Scott

Filmed back to back, this epic drama tells the true story of a gated community in Palmdale, Florida that was taken over by a mad gunman (David Wenham). Powerful, riveting performances abound as struggling families run from bush to bush, now held captive within their own wealthy walls.

"Shakedown" starring Geoffrey Rush, Lilly Collins, Daniel Kaluuya, Lupita Nyong'o, and Brian Cox. Directed by Donald Glover.

Rival con men (and women) make a bet amongst themselves to see who can swindle the most out of a racist real estate developer (Cox) who's looking to gentrify the entire area. Soundtrack by Junkie XL and Madeon.

"Thrill Seeker" starring Woody Harrelson and Donald Glover.

A retired stuntman (Harrelson) tries his best to commit suicide but gets foiled by luck, fate, and his biggest fan (Donald Glover).

"Horsepower 1 & 2" starring Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, and Devon Aoki.

Who was Letty in "The Fast and The Furious" before she joined Dominic's crew? This two-part spinoff prequel pays homage to the F&F franchise while still keeping things fresh by exploring the origins of a character no one gave a shit about. Also featuring Donald Glover as "kid with the keys."

"Precipice" starring a CGI Sylvester Stallone, a CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger and a CGI Bruce Willis. 

It's 1995 again, and everybody is once again young through the magic of computers. "Precipice" is a throwback action movie about an army trainer (Willis) who teams up with the world's best helicopter pilot (Schwarzenegger) and a violent former monk (Stallone) to overthrow an imaginable evil (Donald Glover) in the mountains of Tibet. 

"Team Builder" starring John C. Reilly, Leslie Jones and Ben Stiller.

The private airplane of a failing vinyl siding company's CEO (Reilly) crashes in the wilderness, forcing him to lead his team of incompetent lackeys to not only survival, but success! Donald Glover opted out of this one.

"Gracious Manner I and II" starring Kaya Scodelario, Laura Haddock and Donald Glover.

In this period piece set in 18th Century England, two ladies in waiting discover the supernatural power they have over men by simply waving a magic fan given to them by a mysterious ambassador (Glover).

"Sandhurt" starring Mark Wahlberg and Rob Van Winkle.

Two soldiers separated from their squad in the blistering heat of the Yemeni desert need to work together to find their way back from behind enemy lines. No water, no ammunition. Only TWO MICROPHONES and a chance to really battle it out! Starring Donald Glover as the emcee.

Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California

10/8/1988  AVOID AT ALL COSTS

This is the type of place that will take your money, then turn around and stab you with their steely knives. Girlfriend and I made a reservation and paid for a "romantic suite" but ended up in a single room without windows.When confronted at the front desk the manager rudely yelled at her that we can check out anytime we like. Not ever allowed to leave, however. SEND HELP

DON H.

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9/7/1992  NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED

Got this place because of travelocity.com. Boy, do those pictures lie. This place is a shithole. The whole area stank of sweet summer sweat, especially around the courtyard. The hotel is located next to a mission whose bell won't stop ringing, even after 8pm. The list goes on. We would have done better staying at a Motel 6, but there aren't a lot of alternatives on that Dark Desert Highway. Worst of all, they would not refund our money– we had to complain to travelocity to get a measly $50 voucher. Luckily we found a good price for Holiday Inn Express which was night and day compared to this horrible hotel. I don't know how they stay in business. That manager is a bitch.

GLENN F.

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9/7/2010  DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHIMMERING LIGHTS

I don't know what got into me to give this horrible hotel a try. My head must have been heavy or my sight might have grown dim. Regardless, I had to stop for the night.

Mirrors on the ceiling? Pink champagne on ice? I don't know who this place is geared for, but it's all kind of chintzy and sad.

Was invited to a buffet in the "Master's Chambers." Got creeped out and stayed in my room instead, which was cool because I caught a "Blossom" marathon.

Not having wi-fi is unforgivable in this day and age.

B. SZYMCZYK

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1/1/1969  SWEET, THEY HAVE WINE HERE!

THE CAPTAIN

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Incident On A Dark Street

Like many of the other DVDs by EastWestDVD, "Incident On a Dark Street" features a big star on its cover who is barely on screen for 15 minutes. But William Shatner takes that nugget of a role and soars with it, on wings of his magnificent 70's moustache.

"Incident On a Dark Street" was initially the dull story about the U.S. Department nailing the boss of a crime ring who's trying to silence all the squealers. But the director took that boring script and turned it into a full-blown boring TV movie. All in all, it's full of boring angles, pedantic dialogue, and Oh God, look at that moustache. That thing is exquisite.





























For more information on the "sturgeon face," click here.










Later, a couple cavorting under a dock(?) find a dead body. The performance by the woman was ALMOST "The Third Greatest Performance of All Time," but after careful review from the EADJ Board, it was only given an Honorary Mention.



Here is that performance:
















Overall Grade: F