Introducing the Phantom Fireworks Cinematic Universe

A display case at Stop & Shop reveals that the Phantom Fireworks company is planning to roll out feature films based on their individual products.

 Here now are their upcoming HERO SERIES movie releases:

Static Bellectricity, starring Jessica Chastain

Chasten plays mild mannered Bella Brown, who discovers a magical medallion that unlocks the power to shoot electric blasts at people who tell her she can't achieve everything she sets her mind to.

Fearsome African-American, starring Keegan-Michael Key

Armed with a red spandex suit and a bold attitude, Fred Forpath transforms into FEARSOME AFRICAN-AMERICAN, who will INTIMIDATE his enemies into not making eye contact with him

Punching Down Man, starring Bill Maher

The legendary comedian plays Punching Down Man, a hero so out of touch with society norms that he thinks his doorman asking off for Ramadan is "too woke" and develops a stand-up routine/ramble mocking him.

The Sentient, starring Dave Bautista

Totally ripped and wearing a mask to hide his face, studio executives are eager to recast this role with a much cheaper actor when Bautista's contract runs out.

Captain Nuclear, starring Walton Goggins

This hero has the unfortunate ability to expose his team and everyone around him to deadly amounts of radiation, causing both his enemies and the people he loves to die of poisoning within months of exposure, while still tragically keeping him alive. He's the team captain.

 

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen - Mostly Smut Edition

"Aha fools! I have just turned your virginal young lady friend into a sex-starved... wait a minute. You already had a lower back tattoo? WTF?"

"No no no no no no no, I'm not in a bad knockoff movie. I'm not in a bad knockoff movie..."

"This is the sexiest episode of Animorphs EVER!"

"Miss Trouble? You... you got something on your shirt. Right there."

"Okay, okay! JEEZ." *reaches for a second dollar bill to tip her*

"I don't need a girlfriend. I go SOLO, understand?"

The erotic prequel to "Fire In His Urinal"

"Man, the bonus fighter characters in Mortal Kombat are getting ridiculous."

"My calendar is pretty tight, but I think I can squeeze you in on Monday, April 10 through Friday, April 21."

Memorable Dialogue From Movies I Haven't Watched - Mostly Smut Edition

"Wait a minute. Houses aren't alive to begin with, so none of them can die, right?"

"I'm so sex-starved, but you're forcing me to use my gun and body to satisfy you, since you own me! Jesus Christ, this doesn't make any sense..."

"Where do you want to go for lunch?"

"I dunno, where do you eat to go for lunch?"

"I may not be the most qualified private eye, but at least I've got... WHOOAAAAHH" *steps on rollerskate on top basement step*

"Oh no. Humanity is all zombies. We must pose and fight GO!"

"And when I saw that, I realized that selling was the greatest career a man could want. ’Cause what could be more satisfying than to be able to look up, at the age of eighty-four, twenty or thirty different cities, and pick up a phone, and be hated and shouted at and hung up on by many different people?"

"Are you 18 years old?"

"Barely!" *wink*

"Wait. Does that mean you are or you're not?"

"I'm barely!" *wink*

"I'm outta here."

EADJ Fashion Roundup: Sweet November Edition

Dang. That guy is like a CHERRY/CHERRY/LEMON on a slot machine.

Steve Zissou takes a smoke break–after bowling a game, apparently.

This lumbering beast of burden plowed three rows in Penn Station before Farmer Blake could plant next year's corn.

Look. It's Nick Nolte's mugshot.

This is either a wacky French cartoon or a very easy page of "Where's Waldo?'

This middle aged hipster still cruises Tinder and brews his own craft beer. Has he mentioned his Twitch Channel where he plays RDR2?

UAG