Some Brand New Perks For Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

The perks just keep poppin’ at AMC for Stubs Rewards members. Thanks to new partnerships, here are the latest benefits you can can enjoy by signing up now:

 •  Maria Menounos will annoy you in person with movie trivia, behind the scenes vignettes and fun film quizzes.

• We will provide you a solid murder alibi.

• If you’re mostly finished with your popcorn bucket, you can piss in it so you don’t miss any of the movie.

• Free bowling ball-size wad of bleu cheese

• If you call any other patron a pussy, we got your back if shit starts to go down.

•  Any of our staff will be happy to send you dick pics if you give us your number.

• If you angrily complain to us that the movie’s events are nothing like how it happened in the comic book, we will pretend to care.

• We will pick you and your lovely wife Amal up in our exclusive Stubs private charted schooner, where we will sail beyond your Lake Como home to the charming province of Lecco for a romantic dinner and seats at the World Climate Summit (George Clooney only).

• Someone in our fine staff will explain what the fuck that Shen Yun show really is.

The Latest Info Wars Conspiracy Drafts

Alex Whatshishead and his Info Wars staff have lost the show, lost their YouTube channel, podcast and are barred from even holding a meeting in a public park, but that hasn't stopped them from cooking up some exciting new right wing conspiracies for you to spread on your nationalist webring site. Here are their latest kooky conspiracies:

• ISIS has purchased both Sears and K-Mart and are planning to launch a new Muslim big box store with scary greeters.

• If you combine the chemical elements Holmium (HO) and Molybdenum (MO), you can cause an explosion that makes you gay (HOMO).

• The entire Obama administration was an elaborate Deep Fake video, created by ILM and a child's drawing of a skinny black man.

• Roseanne's show was canceled because she knew too much about the television Nielsen Ratings scam perpetuated by carnival workers and garden pixies.

• The ShamWow doesn't work, and the fact that it had the word "sham" in its name only goes to show you how far the Demoncrats will go to sell you Satan's evil non-absorbent micro-cloths.

• Fact: No one was ever looking for Lionel Richie to begin with!

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 29

Doods and doodettes!

Mark from the mail room here. Some uppity upper ups have deputized me to remind (translation: nag) you fine folks to complete and submit your timesheets by 5pm today, otherwise Accounting can't  do their job of billing our clients and then WE don't get pizzaid!

So do your due doo-doo and help us HELP YOU!!!!

<3 mark="" p="">

------------------------

67982: Sending out sausage fest invites

49995: Collecting most but not all of the Infinity Stones

24133: Remembering your myspace password

04032: Telling the difference between Gleep and Gloop from the Herculoids

88210: Eating the cheese out of a "crackers and cheese' snack pack like it's cunnilingus

95255: Forgetting your troubles for a while

58243: Keeping the damn blanket on the streaker

08310: Ignoring Mark from the mail room (Hey!)

44812: Explaining the entire Resident Evil series storyline to your grandpa

32209: Secretly wishing for Whammies

95734: Sharting your kilt

UAG

For more on David Thewlis, click here.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Due to contract changes and such, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Hulu this week:

• The Stinkbug Diaries

• Party City: A Cheap Cosplayer's Paradise

• YouTube Pranksters Get A Fucking Job

• Game Show: Smell This (And Tell Me If It Came From My Body)

• Let's Literally Flip This House Because We're Idiots

• A Bunch Of Ideas That Stephen King Abandoned

• Candy Crush Saga: The Documentary

• Collate!

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Hulu this week: 

• The Sinkhole Romances

• Storage Reality Show Producer Wars

• We Clean Instagram Models' Filthy-Ass Apartments

• Agrarian History On Fleek

• X-Treme Violent Origami

• Celebrity Siblings' Cribs

• WIG SHOPPIN'

• Sausage Casings Valuators

• WIG SHOPPIN' (Kids' Edition)

Burning Questions For Season 4 of "Walkway To Parking", Now Available On Netflix

Season 4 of the blockbuster series "Walkway To Parking" is finally available, streaming exclusively on Netflix. Here now are some burning questions that WTP fans have been asking for over a year:

• Who is going to play Donovan now that Jussie Smollett is out?

• Did John Fogerty really play that song live in the cafe?

• When the sloth skeleton started slaughtering everyone in the Kiwanis Club meeting scene, was that CGI or a man in a suit?

• Why is this still on?

• Does Tracy's hair color change have a hidden meaning, or does anyone on set just not give a damn?

• Was that really Jim O'Heir from "Parks and Rec" playing the bass saxophone?

• Why were there so many "Goonies" reference in Season 3?

• Who directs this shit?

• Could the product placement be more obvious? I'm talking about the Blue Bonnet Margarine baby gender reveal scene in the Season 3 finale.

• WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE

More Stupid Taglines For a Stupid, Forgotten Movie

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-May Edition

Poor Kevin's Tree Experts can't get it right:

A three-fer here:

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Live. Laugh. Pathmark.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• The Hulu Documentary

• The Big Bang Theory Except With Real Jokes 

• Are You As Vulnerable To A School Shooting As A Fifth Grader?

• Peace of Ass: Donkeys Who Meditate

• Eyechart

• The Holy Bible Told Entirely In GIFs, Vines and Boomerangs

• How To Listen To Your Child Yap About Fortnite

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• BTS Walks Around Korea and Sees If Anyone Recognizes Them

• James Woods Throws Lawn Darts At Migrant Children

• C-Span, Pop-Up Edition

• Nudists Gone Wild: Flashing Their Internal Organs

• How The Second "a" in "Häagen-Dazs" Feels About Not Having an Umlaut

• Pissy Shitasses

• American Noun

This Week's Sponsor

Eat A Dick Joel is brought to you this week by "Truck Connection" Magazine, North Jersey's only truck dating magazine that connects single trucks to new significant others.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain Socialism and Democratic Socialism

"Great question... Ahh... UGGGH!... A socialist, in the traditional sense, is... *gasp*....an adherent of socialism... can't... ... Socialism is a state-controlled economy... wait... in which the state... oww ow ow ow...  controls the means of production (factories, offices, resources, and firms).  FUCK... Democratic socialists... yikes... believe strongly in democracy and democratic principles... No, not that... They are by no means proponents of.. ah... ahh... uh... authoritarian government systems... *chokes*  ...many Americans associate socialism with. .and... um, fundamentally anti-capitalist ... Cough... agh... agh..." *dies*

Stop, Drop & Pathmark

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

What it's like when I fart in the car.

Since CBS wasn't aloud to air NBA footage, they hired a courtroom artist to cover game highlights.

Can't a 60 ft. tall black man go shopping without being followed around?

Who knew Andy's room was located in Atlanta?

"Shit, we're going to need to put in a lot more quarters to beat this guy."

Nothing screams "loser" like putting your likeness on a lottery scratch off ticket.

No change. It's perfect.

She had a pretty good idea of why her job interview didn't go so well.

"I am... untalented."

The reason Google Street View blurs people's faces is because anyone could end up on a mixtape cover, like these two unfortunate souls.