Here Are Your Timesheets For January 2018

Hello fellow co-workers. This is Gail from HR, reminding all of you that timesheets are due by the end of today or else we won't be able to bill our client on time and then get paid on time. This is of utmost importance.

And since I have you here, it is also of utmost importance that behavior and conversation in the kitchen comply with our company's clear HR guidelines. Since so many of you have been guilty of this for the past 31 days or so, I have assigned job numbers to them:

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240024: Weighing Marg's admittedly spectacular breasts with your hands

910447: Using the kitchen cake server to measure your dick

083495: Explaining the meaning of "American thighs" from AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"

657221: Loudly bragging about how long you "edge" at the strip club

992344: Posting your Slave Leia cosplay photos on the fridge

710299: Coming

032415: Playing "Fuck/Marry/Kill" with the Supreme Court justices

882836: Describing all the filthy things you'd do to the new intern to the other intern, who you don't realize happens to be her boyfriend

632830: Twirling your pasties

353581: Adjusting your balls before touching all the breakfast muffins (I'm looking at you, Louis)

593955: Defending Quentin Tarantino's defense of Roman Polanski

400912: Using the word "dongle" in an unprofessional way

810046: Describing in graphic detail where to take this job and shove it

More Promotional Taglines That Would've Never Helped A Failing Movie

Some Movie Ideas Based on A Rite Aid Poster For Hand Warmers

Clearly out of ideas, Hollywood's major studios have resorted to a bidding war over who gets to release a feature film based on a display poster for hand warmers at a Rite Aid in New York. Here are their pitches:

20th Century Fox: "Beat The Cold" starring James Marsden, Amy Schumer, Sterling K. Brown and Emily Blunt. A giant yellow asshole appears in the sky, and it's up to four Christmas carolers to bring it down (or at least get it to shut closed).

Sony Pictures: "Warmers" starring Channing Tatum, Jack Black, Rachel McAdams and Giancarlo Esposito. A group of blackballed personal trainers decide to start their own "warm-up" camp and discover a whole new way to inspire a generation of losers. Also starring Josh Gad as the big gym's janitor turned snitch.

Walt Disney Studios: "HOTHANDS WARMERS" starring Jodie Foster, Kurt Russell and Mindy Kaling. A group of friends happen upon an ancient animated artifact that warms hands and hearts. Also starring Michael Stuhlbarg as the evil, meddling scientist.

Universal Pictures (in collaboration with Troublemaker Studios): "Calentadores" starring Selena Gomez, Antonio Banderas, Charlie Day and Michelle Rodriguez. This Hispanic-based story follows four football (aka soccer) fans in Venezuela who suddenly develop super warming powers after being exposed to some toxic waste from a nearby aluminum refinery. Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

Paramount Pictures: "The Cold" starring Viggo Mortensen, Jessica Alba, Sean Hayes, and Crystal Bernard. This survival story recounts the harrowing experience of four friends trapped inside an outdoor stadium after hours. They survive on leftover hot dogs, stale beer and love.

Warner Bros. Pictures: "Green Lantern 2" Completely unrelated to hand warmers, the cold, or four smiling people, Warner Bros. decides to launch a sequel/reboot of the failed Ryan Reynolds movie with even more CG effects, a darker, grittier tone and letting Zack Snyder do whatever the hell he wants. Set to release in 3 months.

The ProofrEADJer: End of January Edition

Live Long and Pathmark

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 22

There's nothing worse than the Twittersphere, but even that hellhole has standards. The following hashtags are the bottom of the barrel, so go ahead and use them in your crappy Twitter feed, ya nut:

#Tweetydick

#racewarspectator

#RadioShackhandjob

#MitchMcConnellkegstand

#shittingatAmericanGirlPlace

#RomanPolanskislumberparty

#treatingarashwithsrirachababy

#theleadsingerforBulletBoyswashot

#Ipassedoutatahookahpipeplaceandwokeupblack

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Info Wars Latest Conspiracies

"We'll see you at 11, but here are some dumbshit conspiracies we're working on:"

• Cryptocurrencies like bitcoin or dogecoin are actually the harvested souls of Egyptian slaves that will drag you to Hell when you try to cash them in.

• Those "Clipper Saver" coupon books you get in the mail actually contain coded messages from D.B. Cooper, who is alive and well and building a secret media empire from Washington state.

• Oprah is actually Tyler Perry.

• The Purina "HiPro Glow" commercials from the 90s were time traveling warnings about genetic testing and were actually radioactive, giving cancer to anyone who watched them on TV.

• Donald Trump is a regular, trustworthy guy who is selflessly acting in the best interests of this country and all its citizenry, but the evil, dishonest media is conspiring to foil him at every turn.

• On the 80s show "Fame," every time they sang the word "fame" in the theme song, the Jews would kidnap another Christian pet.

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Exfoliate Your Face

A good nightly exfoliating ritual can work wonders to retain the youth and beauty of your face. Here are a few steps to proper exfoliation:

1) Go outside with a mirror and examine your face for places where your complexion is especially dull, flaky or uneven. These are the places you should work on.

2) Twice a week before bedtime, splash warm water onto your skin and scrub gently in upward, circular motions.

3) Wash your face with warm water, then pat dry with a towel, Use a hydrating moisturizer or anti-aging serum before going to bed.

And speaking of anti-aging, look man, I get that if you're fifty and divorced or have a midlife crisis, you'll want to impress young girls in their twenties with a ride in a rented limo (mine!) and a night on the town. But please don't wear crap like Afflicted or Ed Hardy clothing. That's just embarrassing. Be safe, kids.

Newspaper Machine Was Disgusted

Newspaper Machine was disgusted.

Recycling Station adjusted his monocle and kept quiet.

Sideways Terminator leaned against a wall and waited.

Tree Branches fumed at how short the segment was this time.

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

We know what you're up to- you ran away from home to become a porn star in the Valley, right? Right. But along with implants and a haircut, you're gonna need a porn name. Here are a few unused ones that we had lying around because they suck. Help yourself to any of them, and good luck!

HER:

Fürry Elise
Tara Firma (that’s actually a pretty good one)
Anna Lizethis
Annie Leibodicks
Butter Emails
Amber Alert
Daphnetly Infected


HIM:

Broccoli Rob
Non Cum-pete Claus (Christmas only)
Unexpected Item In Bagging Area
Sal Ami
Wee Willie Winkie
Les Miseraballs

Those Who Ignore Pathmark Are Doomed To Repeat It

Rhymes With "Bassist Bappliances"

Racist appliances, 2018!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Ciara was the only customer at Lex Luthor's western bar.

Wow, how did they find a 12 year old conspiracy theorist to draw the cover?

There's a lot going on here. But I'll allow it.

The amount of effort it took to take a screenshot, boy howdy.

Okay, this one completely confuses me. The album probably smells like Old Spice.

I'm disturbed, but I also want to burst out laughing. STUDENT WORK!

Ouch. Somebody is still reeling from that night at junior prom.

WORD CLOUDS ARE SO STREET.

Arby's has a pretty brutal ketchup dispenser nowadays.