New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's rewards program gains more and more members every month, primarily because of its growing list of perks and rewards. Here now are the latest benefits of being a Stubs card holder:

• If you nod off, we will rewind the film to where you were last paying attention

• Exclusive access to the upcoming "Passion of the Christ: Resurrection" popcorn bucket

• Diego can bake some hash into the chocolate chip cookies for you in the concession stand wink wink

• Text alerts for next time a movie starring that actor you like is playing

• Free spicy jalapeño nacho pretzel bites with purchase of XXL moon pie cookies & creme frozen blizzard shake diabetes

Here Are Your Job Numbers For December 2019

Hey guys. This is Mark from the parking deck- you know me from "No, I don't have change for a $50" and "Sorry. I have to charge you for a full 30 minutes. Rules is rules." But for now, I'm the guy that the CEO has inexplicably asked to provide the office with job numbers for your timesheets. And he slipped me an extra hundo for my trouble, so here goes:

26698: Twerking through your fart

42994: Farting through your twerk

02233: Protesting the female Dr. Who like an asshole

71989: Cheating at curling

95735: Peeing into an airplane liquor bottle

48288: Chatting it up with the Minister of Finance

66183: Holding the pickle

30042: Transcribing Don Henley lyrics

57710: Using Google maps to find the Gräfenberg spot

44736: Wearing gold lamé and pulling it off pretty well, I must say

Here Are Your Timesheets For January 2018

Hello fellow co-workers. This is Gail from HR, reminding all of you that timesheets are due by the end of today or else we won't be able to bill our client on time and then get paid on time. This is of utmost importance.

And since I have you here, it is also of utmost importance that behavior and conversation in the kitchen comply with our company's clear HR guidelines. Since so many of you have been guilty of this for the past 31 days or so, I have assigned job numbers to them:

-----------------------------------

240024: Weighing Marg's admittedly spectacular breasts with your hands

910447: Using the kitchen cake server to measure your dick

083495: Explaining the meaning of "American thighs" from AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"

657221: Loudly bragging about how long you "edge" at the strip club

992344: Posting your Slave Leia cosplay photos on the fridge

710299: Coming

032415: Playing "Fuck/Marry/Kill" with the Supreme Court justices

882836: Describing all the filthy things you'd do to the new intern to the other intern, who you don't realize happens to be her boyfriend

632830: Twirling your pasties

353581: Adjusting your balls before touching all the breakfast muffins (I'm looking at you, Louis)

593955: Defending Quentin Tarantino's defense of Roman Polanski

400912: Using the word "dongle" in an unprofessional way

810046: Describing in graphic detail where to take this job and shove it