Hello fellow co-workers. This is Gail from HR, reminding all of you that timesheets are due by the end of today or else we won't be able to bill our client on time and then get paid on time. This is of utmost importance.
And since I have you here, it is also of utmost importance that behavior and conversation in the kitchen comply with our company's clear HR guidelines. Since so many of you have been guilty of this for the past 31 days or so, I have assigned job numbers to them:
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240024: Weighing Marg's admittedly spectacular breasts with your hands
910447: Using the kitchen cake server to measure your dick
083495: Explaining the meaning of "American thighs" from AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"
657221: Loudly bragging about how long you "edge" at the strip club
992344: Posting your Slave Leia cosplay photos on the fridge
710299: Coming
032415: Playing "Fuck/Marry/Kill" with the Supreme Court justices
882836: Describing all the filthy things you'd do to the new intern to the other intern, who you don't realize happens to be her boyfriend
632830: Twirling your pasties
353581: Adjusting your balls before touching all the breakfast muffins (I'm looking at you, Louis)
593955: Defending Quentin Tarantino's defense of Roman Polanski
400912: Using the word "dongle" in an unprofessional way
810046: Describing in graphic detail where to take this job and shove it
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