And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Start A Ska Band

1) Learn an instrument. Some common instruments in ska-punk are electric/acoustic guitars, electric bass, double bass, drums, piano, trumpet, trombone and sax.

2) Next you need people who play instruments and/or can sing. At the very least, you will need someone to play electric/acoustic guitar, bass, drums, and a brass/woodwind instrument such as trumpet, trombone or sax. Some popular variations are the use of an upright bass as opposed to the usual bass guitar, or the inclusion of keyboards, which are vital if you want more of a traditional two-tone or classic Jamaican Ska sound.

3) Get together and write some songs. Some people prefer to write a complete set of lyrics before building a song around them, while some write the music first. Meet with your bandmates often and find out what works for you.

4) Practice! Often. Ideally, find a place where you won't bother anybody with noise and where you won't be interrupted.

5) Record everything so that you can listen to it and make changes. Sometimes listening to yourself on tape can help you to pick out things in your performance of a song that you might not otherwise have noticed.

6) Get booked. Once you have a solid set of songs, go out and play as many shows as you can. You want to get people in your local area excited about your band, and want to see more.

7) Do what you want with your recordings. You may want to record a short album or demo album, which you can send to labels or sell at concerts!

And speaking of albums, when riding in the back of my limo to the airport, if you want me to take you through a drive through, please turn down the CD player in the back so the clerk can hear your order. You're wasting their time, you're wasting my time, and you're wasting your own time, otherwise. That's just common courtesy. I can't believe I have to say it in this day and age. Be safe, kids.

UAG

Track List From The Broadway "The Bridges of Madison County" Musical

For those who haven't seen it yet, here is the list of songs to expect when watching "The Bridges of Madison County" on Broadway, playing until sometime next month. Or sooner.

1) "That's Not Clint Eastwood"

2) "Whiny Hausfrau"

3) "Soooooo Bored With My Marriage"

4) "A Nice Drive (Through Changing Leaves)"

5) "(So Am I Supposed To Pretend) This is Romantic?"

6) "Balls Deep"

7) "Once Again We Meet Again"

8) "Bali Ha'i"

9) "He Don't Love You (The Way I Love You), Bitch"

10) "Tagging That Ass Under Bridge Support Beams"

11) "Penis"

12) "A Toast To Us"

13) "Autumnal Booty / Bumping Uglies Under The Moon"

14) "Balls Deep (Reprise)"

15) "What The Hell Are You Doing With My Wife In This Stupid Bridge?"

16) "Bridge Duel: Part One"

17) "No Don't Francis"

18) "Bridge Duel: Part Two"

19) "Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two"

20) "Wait, I Just Noticed That's Not Meryl Streep"

21) "Finale / Packin' My Summer Dresses"

EADJ Fashion Roundup: Vanity Plate Edition

Today we match up some fashionistas with helpful suggestions of what personalized plate they could put on their car, assuming they own a car and need to make them street legal, because you're not allowed to drive a car on public streets without a license.

To the woman whose footwear threatens to fly away at any moment:

To the gentleman dressed in a mattress liner for a vest:

To the oblivious commuter whose backpack makes it look like he's wearing a speedo:

To the power couple who stand at a bus stop like a G-Star Raw Denim billboard:

To the three zebra people on the NJ Transit platform:

To the man who (I know it's hard to tell in the blurry photo) opened his shirt buttons down to the navel and then tied it off in a Daisy Duke cinch:

To the anachronistic dandy on 43rd Street:

To the jogger who was wearing what looked like an actual tutu (and also a "DIPLOMAT" T-shirt):

To the studded hipster:

To the woman wearing wolf ears and a neck brace at a water park:

To the Asian Orville Redenbacher on 46th Street:

To the black bra/mesh top/rolled up jeans combo wearer in Midtown NYC, a pair of options:

What Are We Doing Today? Another Round of Fake Taglines For That Shitty Movie, "Avalance Sharks?" Sure.

The EADJ Facebook De-Friender Returns

Sometimes one post is all it takes to want you to drop a Facebook friend forever. Harsh? Maybe. But check this shit out and tell me you wouldn't do the same:

Bye bye, G_________! Away from my News Feed!

UAG

The Very Absolutely Definitively Definitely Worst Of Kidz Bop Cover Songs

"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (ft. Wanz)

The cringeworthy joyful rapping. The lyric "Damn, that's a old ass honky" replaced with "that guy on the marquee." This is fucking awful.




"My Immortal" by Evanescence

For once, they didn't autotune the lead singer, which turns out to be a BAD THING. This insincere goth ballad from 2000 gets a much-needed dose of serious Kidz brand SUNSHINE! Strangely, the lyric "these wounds won't seem to heal" sounds more authentic coming from tweens than from Evanescence singer Amy Lee. Weird.




"Party Like A Rockstar" by Shop Boyz

"Whoo!" "Oh!" "Totally dude!" "Yeaaaaahhhh" This is so painful I can't even write it up.




"Hey Soul Sister" by Train

Take shit. Mix it with shit, and blend it with shit. Then shit it all out through a shit filter. Voila, this!




"Float On" by Modest Mouse

Hey, take an overplayed indie hit and replace the vocals with Kidz! Do you like it now? Yes? Oh, fuck you.





"MMMBop" by Hanson

This kid-vocaled sunshiny cover of an already kid-vocaled sunshiny hit has created a kid-vocaled sunshiny vortex of light matter that will soon destroy the entire universe with doo-wops and handclaps. We as a civilization never had a chance.

L-L-L-L-L-L-Lobsterfest

The following Lobsterfest™ entries were transcribed from voice memos taken on a smartphone late Saturday night on the back patio after four beers and half a bottle of white zinfandel:

• Today you rest. Tomorrow, you dive headfirst into a punchbowl greased with olive oil mayo and your favorite crab chunks shaped like the Star of David. What, you're not Jewish? Then the cross or crescent, then. Can't we all just get along for one day with lobster on Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster®?

• There's this guy named Yuan. I guess he's Chinese or something, but he has this amazing electronics shop on 8th Street. Everything from motherboards to cable connectors, Yuan's got them all. He will personally meet you at Red Lobster® and reserve a table for you so that when shit gets hot at Lobsterfest™, you're guaranteed a table (provided you sit with Yuan- that is the only part of the agreement that you must honor). The only thing Yuan asks is that you not refer to him as "your friend," because he's pretty cagey that way. LOBSTERFEST™!

• Lobster shells ground up make for pretty good mulch. Or for a pretty terrible lubricant. WE DO NOT JUDGE at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster. WE HONOR ALL LIFESTYLES™.

• We know some pretty good college a cappella groups that would love to serenade you and your date when you're drenched in butter and lobster au jus. But we won't send them to your table because we're above cheap gimmicks like that. Keep this shit real.

• A-E-I-O-Lobster. New vowel, fuckers.

Let's Tighten The Suspenders On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall- WHO USES SPRINT- a texted image:

"2nd google image for 'ugly andrew gall,' behind the original" -AG

Pathmark: Every Mis-Shelved Item Tells A Story

I never said every story was a good one.

UAG

An Abomination Of A Different Kind

In a previous post, we introduced you to our Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, featuring a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

Last weekend in a hobby store, we happened upon another, completely different kind of abomination:

Look. It's a "Cool Collecting Barbie," which in itself has been labeled a "collectible."

So what does it collect, exactly? When you open the box does it collect itself? Does it seal itself back in the box to preserve its collectibility? Or does it collect other collectible Barbies to create a new Supercollectible? IS THIS THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE?????