6 Lies Told By The United States Department of Agriculture's Food Safety Brochure, "Is It Done Yet?"

Pointing out the lies of a government agency is usually the realm of conspiracy nuts and fat militia bunker dipshits, but we decided to give it a go.

1) That girl doesn't really want a burger. She simply wants to make her Dad look bad in front of his friends by berating him. Who does she think she is.

2) Not real corn. Fake corn. Pseudo corn. Lies on the cob.

3) The dad's smile barely hides his contempt for the daughter. She's the reason they didn't go backpacking that year in Portugal. Fucking kid.

4) That chicken breast wasn't fully cooked. Grandma will eat that one.

5) When it was alive, that wasn't just "fish"; that salmon had dreams, joys... it had a name. It was Greg.

6) Aren't safe cooking temperatures pointless if you're cooking quiche for dinner? Who cares about living at that point? 

Eat A Dick Joel is thrilled to announce the release of the 6 Lies Told line of delicious raspberry jam. This old fashioned raspberry jam has the fresh, homey taste that will take you back to your childhood. All natural, low in sugar, no pectin, and bursting with berry flavor with a hint of lemon, it's lovingly made from fresh and never frozen raspberries. Perfect over breakfast toast or topped over plain yogurt for dessert. Order today!

UAG

Coming Soon To the Hallmark Channel: "Marry Meat Christmas"

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From a Dumb Commercial

EDITOR'S NOTE: The reason that I'm posting this now is that I no longer work at the ad agency that created this commercial.

"Hello, Enterprise Rent-A-Car? Can you pick me up? I'm at a repair shop. And I know this because there's this gigantic sign saying REPAIR SHOP inside the shop, almost in the mechanic's way. Why do they have such a big, obvious sign?"

"Hello, hysterical woman. Yes, I personally will pick you up. My name's Brad. I've got a waterbed at my apartment."

"So you just came here to fuck me?"

"Good God, that is a huge fucking sign."

The EADJ Facebook De-Friender Returns

Sometimes one post is all it takes to want you to drop a Facebook friend forever. Harsh? Maybe. But check this shit out and tell me you wouldn't do the same:

Bye bye, G_________! Away from my News Feed!

Fun Daily Robin Meade Fact

Robin Meade was actually interviewed by Penthouse Magazine in December 2011 about her anchoring career on Headline News and her (then) new country album in an article named "Morning Glory."

Read that shit here.

Six Movie Ideas Based On Some Graffiti Scrawled On A Wall In Prague

As has been exhaustively documented before, Hollywood studios are plum out of original ideas and are looking everywhere for the latest movie properties or scripts. Or just scenes they can blow out into feature films. Or just a loose outline of how a story would go so they can build off that. Anything, man.

 

Below are six new ideas (based on some random Czech Republic graffiti) that the major studios are currently fighting over to put into production:

"Pleber"

starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Amber Heard and Nicholas Hoult. The year is 2044 and society has reinstated a caste system. Jude Law plays the patrician governor who is confronted by "Pleber" (Gordon-Levitt) with a gun that shoots chainsaws in the name of all plebeians. Social justice's new badass name: PLEBER.

"Chewy"

Chui, a down and out former brewery worker (Luiz Guzman) discovers his great-grandma's recipe for delicious taffy and starts to market it, angering the local candy bigwigs (Amy Sedaris and Will Arnett) and starting a full-out war of the sweets.

"Eaton"

Olivia Wilde plays Kelsey, a broke but promising young college student at the fictional Eaton College who uses the Internet to start an accelerated study group. Everyone in the study group (Olivia Williams, Olivia Munn, and Dakota Fanning) gets accused of cheating and have to prove themselves by retaking their studies in person. Wait, there really is an "Eton College?" Shit.

"Skit"

starring Bill Heder, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Kristin Wiig, Maya Rudoph, Darrell Hammond, Tim Meadows, Seth Myers, Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Fred Armisen, Abby Elliott, Ellie Kemper, Mindy Kaling, Jim Carrey and David Ogden Stiers.

No other information available.

"Close"

 Jason Schwartzman plays Dougie, a lovable guy that stalks, kills, and dismembers his high school sweetheart (Megan Fox). It's an indie black comedy!

"OIPSE" or "OPPSE" or "01P5E"

Neil Blomkamp directs this sci-fi thriller where the moon has completely been populated by android versions of the entire population of Kentucky. Why? You got me. Starring Billy Bob Thornton as the governor of Kentucky and Prime Minister Pete Nice from 3rd Bass as the President of the Moon.