Yet Even More Selections From The Sharper Image Catalog

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L-L-L-L-L-L-Lobsterfest

The following Lobsterfest™ entries were transcribed from voice memos taken on a smartphone late Saturday night on the back patio after four beers and half a bottle of white zinfandel:

• Today you rest. Tomorrow, you dive headfirst into a punchbowl greased with olive oil mayo and your favorite crab chunks shaped like the Star of David. What, you're not Jewish? Then the cross or crescent, then. Can't we all just get along for one day with lobster on Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster®?

• There's this guy named Yuan. I guess he's Chinese or something, but he has this amazing electronics shop on 8th Street. Everything from motherboards to cable connectors, Yuan's got them all. He will personally meet you at Red Lobster® and reserve a table for you so that when shit gets hot at Lobsterfest™, you're guaranteed a table (provided you sit with Yuan- that is the only part of the agreement that you must honor). The only thing Yuan asks is that you not refer to him as "your friend," because he's pretty cagey that way. LOBSTERFEST™!

• Lobster shells ground up make for pretty good mulch. Or for a pretty terrible lubricant. WE DO NOT JUDGE at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster. WE HONOR ALL LIFESTYLES™.

• We know some pretty good college a cappella groups that would love to serenade you and your date when you're drenched in butter and lobster au jus. But we won't send them to your table because we're above cheap gimmicks like that. Keep this shit real.

• A-E-I-O-Lobster. New vowel, fuckers.

How To Write A Completely Non-Endorsing LinkedIn Recommendation

1) Use vague language to describe the person's job instead of the quality of their work.

2) Focus on how nice they are as a person, not at the quality of their work.

3) Write more about YOURSELF, instead of the quality of their work.

4) Use accurate but verbose language to describe the quality of their work.

5) Sound like an idiot, so that any recommendation you write actually backfires.

CSI: EADJ: Second Response

It's time once again for CSI: EADJ, where our crack team of expert investigators examine crime scene clues and try to recreate the most likely scenario that could have left such bizarre evidence. And when we say "crack team," we mean me and whatever I think up over my lunch break. Hmm, should I go for a hoagie today?

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CASE 489566

Location: New York City

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CASE 489567

Location: New York City

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CASE 489568

Location: New York City

Note: within a span of one week, random apples were spotted strewn uneaten on the streets and subway stations near Midtown.

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CASE 489569

Location: Union, New Jersey, outside a Dollar Store

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CASE 489570

Location: Deptford, New Jersey at the Returns Department of a Home Depot

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CASE 489571

Submitted by Special Agent Andrew Gall via "text messaging" technology

Location: some bar in Chicago, Illinois