Okay, If You Feel That Way, Ice-T

“Hope is Being Able to See That There is Light Despite All of the Pathmark.”

 

UAG

Yippee-Pathmark, Motherfucker

UAG

EADJ's Mission To Spot All Of The Avengers On The NYC Subway

The Agents of E.A.D.J. are happy to report that we have spotted two more of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" on the New York City transit subway system since our last report.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Dr. Bruce Banner was not spotted, but his angry gamma ray incarnation the Hulk was spotted on a transit poster giving his seat to an elderly woman. It's impressive the Hulk can be a gentleman when he's not smashing two air craft carriers together. HULK RESPECT ELDERS!!!!

THE BLACK WIDOW

Now I know it doesn't look like it in this photo, but this commuter was clearly a redhead. And bedecked in her signature skintight black outfit, it was clear this was S.H.I.E.L.D. operative Natalia Romanova, known as Black Widow within the Avengers team.

It must have been Natalia's day off, because instead of combat boots and a utility belt, she went with some open toed flats and a striped tote bag. And she was using her iPhone to either listen in on some covert black ops chatter or to "Roar" by Katy Perry.

Stay tuned while we continue searching for a guy with long blond hair, a white guy wearing red, white and blue, and possibly a black guy in an eyepatch? We can only hope!!!! Stay tuned, true believers!

Another Brief Summary of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Thinking

The following is an accurate account of what Sela, attendant at the "Cool Topic" kiosk in the Seven Bridges Mall in Dispatch, MA did while working on July 20, 2013:

• tried to fit her fist in her mouth

• thought about the plot holes in "Pacific Rim"

• called her daughter to ask what "twerking" is

The following is an accurate account of what Kelvin, attendant at the "Solo Computing" kiosk in the Valhalla Shopping Center in Kergie, SC did while working on July 18, 2013:

• gave the manager at Bose the stink eye

• adjusted his piercing by uncrossing his legs

• vowed to befriend a Jew this year

The following is an accurate account of what Rodney, attendant at the "Coin Connexion" kiosk in the Dumphrey Mall in Sarasota, FL did while working on July 18, 2013:

• beat his high score on Draw Something

• licked his canker sore raw

• remembered that his wedding anniversary was two weeks ago

The following is an accurate account of what Mikembe, attendant at the "Bath Fitter" kiosk in the High Point Mall in West Egg, AZ did while working on July 19, 2013:

• hummed that Amy Grant song

• made a mental note to smile more, even when he was constantly in excruciating pain

• recited every one of Susan Sarandon's lines in "Bull Durham," but in Swahili

The following is an accurate account of what Yancey, attendant at the "Hatfuckers" kiosk in the Fictional Mall in New Delhi, PA did while working on July 21, 2013:

• tried to understand today's "Garfield"

• smoothed his flyaway eyebrows

• shat his Dockers

The following is an accurate account of what Layney, attendant at the "Eyebrow Threading Now!" kiosk in the Eastlake Mall in Jaundice, MS did while working on July 17, 2013:

• disowned her family by text

• threaded this fat cow's nasty-ass eyebrows

• scratched her eczemic taint with a pencil 

Unfortunate Free Font Of The Year

An Imagined Conversation Monologue

Hey what you want. Egg and bacon sandwich? Okay, here. Three dollar.

Okay, you. What you want. Coffee and muffin? Here. Two fifty. Cream and sugar over there.

Hey what you want. Bagel? We got plain, sesame, garlic, jalapeño-cheddar, onion, everything, cinnamon raisin, chocolate chip, poppy, blueberry, egg, salt, pumpernickel, whole wheat, cheddar, multi-grain, rye, honey whole-wheat everything. Onion bagel? Okay.

What you want on your onion bagel. Cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, and honey almond.

Oh, you want it toasted? Okay (removes cream cheese). Okay, it's toasted. You want cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, lox and honey almond.

No, lox is not the cream cheese flavor. Lox is lox. You want cream cheese and lox? What flavor cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, and honey almond.

Okay, toasted onion bagel with vegetable cream cheese and lox. Three dollar.

What? You want six more bagels? Ah, fuck this shit. NO MORE BAGELS.