New From Mattel

A Ken Doll that when you ask if he has any weed, calls the police on you.

Why Barbie Would Make A Terrible Spy

"Barbie Spy Squad' just came out on DVD, and apparently Barbie plays some sort of secret agent, which sounds like a pretty fucking awful idea when you think about it. Here are just a few reasons why:

• A pink trench coat with sequins will get you shot.
• There are very few countries where a 6'4" blonde will blend in.
• Tailing someone is almost impossible when driving a pink Corvette.
• Nobody trusts their secrets to what they think is a high-priced prostitute.
• Barbie would be too busy being an airline pilot, a forest ranger, and a fashion model to spend enough time gathering significant intel.
• If placed under 'enhanced interrogation' by the enemy, Barbie would siiiiiiiiing.
• She has no inside voice.
• Barbie hasn't had the stomach for murder ever since she strangled Skipper in a bar fight.
• Barbie is MADE IN CHINA, so you'd know where her loyalties would lie.
• It would take her 4 hours just to get dressed before doing anything.

An Abomination Of A Different Kind

In a previous post, we introduced you to our Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, featuring a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

Last weekend in a hobby store, we happened upon another, completely different kind of abomination:

Look. It's a "Cool Collecting Barbie," which in itself has been labeled a "collectible."

So what does it collect, exactly? When you open the box does it collect itself? Does it seal itself back in the box to preserve its collectibility? Or does it collect other collectible Barbies to create a new Supercollectible? IS THIS THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE?????

Some New Movie Script Ideas Based On The Edibles Section Of A Home Goods Store

Major movie studios are still clamoring for the next "Hunger Games," "Avengers" or "Hobbit" franchise, but they'll settle for a single good movie idea, too. Here now are the latest ideas green lighted by Hollywood, based on the third shelf of the "Edibles" section at a Home Goods store in Jersey (whew, what a setup):

"Chick Pz" 

This premium roasted animated comedy stars Jack Black and Dane Cook as two dumb farmhands who discover a meteor at their chicken farm, which turns all of the chickens into aggressive rapping poultry B-boys. Kate Hudson stars as Melody, the mother hen chanteuse.

"Nosewarmer Punch"

Ben Stiller stars as a lightweight boxer who learns he can make more money getting knocked out. His unscrupulous manager (Ving Rhames) encourages him not to take a dive but to really get knocked out as quickly as possible. Also starring Bradley Cooper as Lightweight Champion boxer "Short Shrift."

"Trapani Sea Salt"

This beautiful epic, shot by master cinematographer Claudio Miranda ("Life of Pi") is also directed by Ang Lee and features a film score by Mychael Danna. It stars Dev Patel and Kal Penn and features special creature and digital effects from Digital Domain. Still no word what this movie is about, however.

"HimalaSalt," or "HIM à la Salt" starring Shailene Woodley ("The Descendents") and Eric Bana ("The Time Traveler's Wife") is the stirring story of a girl growing up in rural Pennsylvania who discovers that all the salt from the local salt factory actually comes from her father's active sweat glands. Directed by Spike Jonze, so you know critics will jack off all over it.

"La Masrojana" is the latest travelogue film from Woody Allen, where he directs a handsome man (Hugh Jackman) to act all "Woody Allen-y" and inevitably bed some amazingly hot Latin women (Sofia Vergara, Penelope Cruz and Eva Mendes). And once again, critics will jack off all over it. Rated PG-13 for Latin sexual situations.

A Quick Note From Barbie To Her Contractor

Hey Hank-

Thanks for completing that job for me with such a quick turnaround. You realize it's really hard for me to find good help living alone and holding down 327 jobs. But I do have a couple of comments regarding the new stairs you built from the living room to the second floor.


1) They're pink, which I told you you didn't have to make them this one time.

2) They're so fucking narrow that I can barely use them.


Yes, I realize I am thin, and my feet are always unnaturally on their tiptoes, but you have to admit this is a shoddy job. I can break my neck at any time on these things! You might as well have installed a ladder.


I believe the legal guideline for stairs is 7" high and 11" deep. These stairs seem to be measuring .5" x .475".

Please, Hank, fix these again. I've got a tea party in about twenty minutes. Please excuse the mess in my house- I don't remember parking my Malibu Camaro in the den. Thanks.