Another Shitty Shark Movie Joins The Ranks

You've seen sharks in tornados. Sharks in lava. Sharks in the snow. Introducing, SHARKS OF THE CORN!

Also, Steven Kang. LOL

Stay tuned for some crappy taglines just begging to be written for this. Also, admire the detail in this artwork:

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 14: "The Christmas Trap" Starring Colin Lawrence and Lucia Walters

This Hallmark Lifetime Christmas movie was a gift. Because I didn't know it was only 10 minutes long before watching it. Bingo, bango, day 14 out the door:

Plot summary: "When a couple on the brink of divorce gets stuck in an elevator together on Christmas Eve, both think this will be a nightmare. But surprisingly, the Christmas music brings back memories, the gifts they have just shopped for spark a flame, and a misunderstanding from a Christmas past is resolved. As the elevator crew works overtime to rescue them, they realize where they went wrong and rekindle a love that had never really died."

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 4 out of 10

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 00:10:00

Some Selections From The Christmas Edition Of The Sharper Image Catalog

Just in time for the holidays, the country's foremost junk mail dealer drops a load of new orderable merchandise in your mailbox. Here now are their most interesting gift ideas:

(click to enlarge)

And here is an actual customer-submitted photo of the product in action:

 The Sharper Image suggests you order before December 25 for the gifts to arrive in time for Christmas.

UAG

The Off Brand T.P. Roundup: Enormous, Nutty Speed Round

The successful reboot of the Star Trek franchise has inspired us at EADJ to reboot an old favorite, The Off Brand T.P. Roundup. To breathe fresh new life into this blog bit, we've dispensed with the long, ponderous paragraphs describing every last nuance of the toilet paper on our bums and have reduced each review to a few choice words:


Brand: Tri Soft Single Ply
Texture: Like flattened barnacles
Effectiveness: Just "tri" and wipe without shrieking for help.


Brand: Red & White Bath Tissue- Tejido Fino Del Cuarto De Baño
Texture: Similar to prickly pear cacti in the Tex/Mex border.
Effectiveness: It's named "Red & White" for a reason. Just look after using.


Brand: Mont Royal, whose name implies royalty and regality.
Texture: Like the underside of a manservant's sandals.
Effectiveness: It does the job, but not without a severe beating.


Brand: Marcal 'Small Steps,' which boasts 'a small, easy step to a greener world.'
Texture: Like treebark on a roll.
Effectiveness: The name 'small steps' actually refers to how you'll walk after tearing your ass up with this.


Brand: Sanibel, which sounds like a heifer cow's name
Texture: Feels not unlike straddling a belt sander.
Effectiveness: Hard to tell through all the tears.


Brand: Emerald Premium 2-Ply Toilet Tissue
Texture: Like a Kansas tornado tore through your colon and dropped you in Oz.
Effectiveness: "If I Only Had An Ass."





Brand: Unnamed Pink Ribboned Roll
Texture: Much like a carrot grater banana seat.
Effectiveness: About as effective as praying it off.


Brand: "PS" Prime Source
Texture: Somehow less comfortable than using the wrapper it came in.
Effectiveness: 100% removal of all poop, skin.
p.s. I love you


Brand: Coral Bathroom Tissue
Texture: Like snapping off a jagged piece of rock out of the barrier reef and throwing that up your crack.
Effectiveness: I don't want to talk about it.


Brand: I know this is not off-brand, but Charmin "Basic"
Texture: Basically, a no-frills ride through Abu Ghraib.
Effectiveness: Works. Does the job. And it completely worthy of the method in which it is displayed: