The Lyrics To "Rude Boy" by Rihanna Explained As If It Weren't Talking About Anything Dirty

Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: A boy who previously had been rude to Rihanna has been invited back to make amends by helping her raise a flag.

Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna wonders aloud if the rope to the flag is too tall for him to reach.

Take it, take it baby, baby
Take it, take it; love me, love me
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although she still considers the boy a "baby," he harbors a deep affection for her.

Tonight I'ma let you be the captain
Tonight I'ma let you do your thing, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: It turns out, the boy was helping Rihanna raise the flag to her boat. She has invited the boy to a nighttime trip, and has even offered to let the boy steer the boat (supervised, of course).

Tonight I'ma let you be a rider
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe
Tonight I'ma let it be fire
Tonight I'ma let you take me higher
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Surprise! Rihanna and the boy have sailed to Chincoteague Island, Virginia, a famous resort island known for its wild pony rides and supervised camping with bonfires. "Higher" refers to the many birding activities at the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge.

Tonight, baby, we could get it on, yeah, we could get it on, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Here, Rihanna has asked the boy's help getting a protective plastic tarp back on the boat.

Do you like it?
Boy, I want, want, want whatchu want, want, want
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: So many activities!

Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
What I want, want, want is what you want, want, want
Nah nah-ah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although frowned upon by the National Park Service, many campers on the island light firecrackers.

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: ...Uh... tickle fights?

I like when you tell me 'kiss you there'
I like when you tell me 'move it there'
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: The boy brought some "kissing dolls" and a chess board with him. Such a good time!

So giddy-up; time to get it up:
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: They ride ponies back to the boat and raise the sail again.

you say you a rude boy: show me what you got now
Come here right now
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna accuses the boy of stealing something from her boat and demands to see what he has behind his back. And this night was going so well!

A Short List of Things Joel Hates

Since we haven't heard from the eponymous Joel in a while, here's a recent list he submitted of things he hates:


Joel also hates:

• Not eating dick
• Eating dick and it's over already
• Thinking you ate dick but turns out you didn't
• Never having enough dick sauce handy
• Asking for dick sauce and the waiter gives you duck sauce
• Eating duck without dick
• Eating dick and there's duck all up in it for some reason
• The blog Eat A Duck Joel
• Knowing there's so much uneaten dick out there
• The phrase "chunk o' change." So lame, people!
• Anti-dick
• People who drive Jaguars and think they're all that
• Waiters who are chintzy with the dick

EADJ Song Hate: "Smile" by Uncle Kracker

In previous entries of EADJ Song Hate, we've sometimes admitted that the song we're despising isn't all that bad and that we're simply sick because it's overplayed. Well, this song IS that bad and even though it hasn't been on the radio on that much since its 2009 debut, we fucking hate this song with the passion of hellfire: "Smile" by Uncle Kracker.



Oh my God, I feel dizzy from the sheer crackling hate I feel for this festering turd. Bile has risen up my throat and filled my mouth by the mere mention of the song's title. Yeah, I detest it that much.

"Smile" (gag) is I guess the second of three hits from "country rap" artist Uncle Kracker. It peaked at #2 on the Billboard adult pop charts and at an impressive #6 on the Billboard country charts, which still doesn't explain why anyone would enjoy hearing an over-autotuned voice singing lazy lyrics written by a middle schooler. I mean, read this shit:

♪
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile ♫

"Buzz like a bee?!" How trite is this? I know pop (and a lot of country) lyrics are mostly insipid, but this barely even registers on my eardrums. I can't believe they recorded such basic, obvious lyrics. Some poor girl wants her 7th grade Health notebook back!

Chicks going for "girls night out drinks" totally love when this song starts blaring at Fuddruckers, though. It's like a "Brown Eyed Girl" for a new generation. But instead of having any pep or tempo, it slouches along like a half-filled bag of flour, which is not unlike Uncle Kracker himself.



So today we retire this insignificant but infuriating entry from the public airwaves. Pack your overalls and butter churn, Uncle. Hit the dirt road in your old covered jalopy full of livestock and bales of hay and haul it over the edge of the nearest rock quarry, y'hear? YEEEEHAAAAWWWW!

An Open Letter To Generations Younger And Older Than Me

Dear Generations Younger And Older Than Me:

What is your problem? All you do is sit there, complaining about the values and behavior of my generation. You say that we're out of touch with your generation's needs and desires, that we can't understand your problems because we don't simply don't care.

Hey, look. We do care, but our generation's got our own problems to deal with, like having and raising kids, keeping down a good-paying job to pay for the mortgage, and trying to find some REAL music on the radio. All you ever do is sit in your bedroom, blaring your godawful music (who listens to that?!) and whining about when dinnertime is coming.

We recognize that there's this generational divide that we'll never get over. We will never understand your stupid pop culture references and your fixation with those movie stars whose names we've never heard of, and frankly, we don't think we're missing out on much.

And what the fuck are you wearing?! Jesus, you need to get to a mall and buy some normal clothes that actually fit you. Just look at how your pants fit. You're embarrassing the rest of the family! And make yourself useful and do the goddamned laundry!

Oh. Also, we don't think you should drive.

Love,
My Generation

An Ad Spotted in An In-Flight Magazine

An ad for Blu "premier" electronic cigarettes- not those cheapo ghetto electronic cigarettes you grab at any bodega- endorsed by "DJ Heavy Grinder."

So it's a no-tar, no-ash, no-odor, electronic cigarette that makes you look like you're sucking on a pen light. But is it still addictive and cause cancer in infants? I hope so.

It sort of makes sense that a girl with colored contacts, dyed hair and a faux fur would endorse a fake cigarette. And her man hands makes me think DJ Heavy Grinder's got another secret. Pickle!

Here's the link to Blu Cigs.

And here's DJ Heavy Grinder's myspace page.

Walgreen's: Third Act

As documented earlier this month on the blog, a certain photo of a young man with wet hair at a local Walgreen's had prompted us to leave our own version at that store:


Here now is a follow up video that answers the question of whether the EADJ photo has stayed up there since February 7 (audio courtesy of Skywalker Sound).


Blast! It's gone! Okay, move on to phase three of whatever project this is!

UAG

Amazing Package Photo

Spotted at Babies R Us:

The figurative and literal separation of a marriage...


...accompanied by a pleasant tune...


...that plays to fill the utter blackness of marital loneliness.


Some assembly required.

A Subway Sign

MTA has posted signs on the subway that warn against the dangerous practice of "surfing the train."


I gotta admit, I've never heard of surfing the train, but now that they've shown me how to do it, I think I'll give it a shot next time on the 7. Wheeee!


And wouldn't you know it, some guys have posted videos of themselves surfing the train on YouTube:

That Mirror Returns

I was watching the independent movie "Catfish," when I came across a familiar looking mirror:


Now, this looked pretty similar to a crappy clock mirror that I found in my new house, and at a sushi place near my parent's house.


Not to mention a crappy mirror I spotted in the movie "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans."


What does it all mean? Is it some odd coincidence that I've noticed this mirror so many times? Is it some cosmic joke the universe is playing on me? Is that mirror somehow following me after I had thrown it away? Shit if I know, man. That mirror's still ugly, whatever the answer is.

EADJ Answers, Point-By-Point, That New Cadillac Commercial

VO: Blue blooded. Cold.

EADJ: Is this the beginning of a Twisted Sister music video?

VO: What happened to luxury?

EADJ: Oil prices went up, people got sensible.

VO: Where did all the personality go? The gusto?

EADJ: Hey, the last time Cadillacs had any personality, I think black people were still going to separate schools.

VO: The glamour?

EADJ: The glamour?!

VO: We believe you can have it all. Luxury with lightning in its veins.

EADJ: Well, I want a giraffe with wings. And a wetbar on its neck that dispenses comic books and pussy.

VO: Charismatic. Daring. Derivative of nothing.

EADJ: Mood board.

VO: This is what fuels us. The reason we're not satisfied with blue blooded ordinary, and demand red blooded extraordinary.

EADJ: You guys are fucking dumb. There are interesting luxury cars out there. And there are cool, sensible economy cars out there, too. Cadillac is neither. Why don't you go die in a cave, you oil-burning, anachronistic dinosaur of a shit brand?

VO: This is why we don't just make luxury cars, we make Cadillacs.

EADJ: Are you even listening to me?

W.H.A.T.?

Spotted in a subway platform magazine stand, F.E.D.S. (Finally Every Dimension Of The Streets) Magazine, whose editors apparently have never written pithy headlines for magazine covers before, unless that's pretty much the entire gist of Kenneth Waller's story. Frankly, I think they just copied the first sentence of each article.

Programming Note

EADJ is pleased to announce that this week is ALL NEW TAGS WEEK, meaning that all of the blog labels you below each post this week will be brand new. This is a fairly new development, as we recently ponied up for more photo storage on this bad boy.

The drawback to this, however, is that any tag you click on will lead you no previous posts now. But we are seeding for the FUTURE, me lads!

Let's Forget That We Did A Regular Segment Called Let's Open The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall:



Submitted by Emily Kane:

Is There Any Respite From The Unrelenting Lobsterness That Is Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster?!

We're nearing the end of Week 683 of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, but that doesn't mean that there aren't still new fantastic ways to enjoy delicious morsels of lobster at your local Red Lobster! Check out these latest feasting suggestions:

• A woman named Consuela sits next to you in your booth, staring at you like she knows you. Before you know it, she's starting eating your lobster. You get kind of upset, knowing you're paying upwards of $14 for this food, and you shout, "CONSUELA!" in the middle of the restaurant. The other patrons then stare at you and Consuela and assume that you hit her. Why do you hit her? That's a terrific new way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• For special family dining experiences, we've created an entire full day of Lobsterfest-based activities! It all starts in the morning, when you’re encouraged to bring your kids—and your yoga mat—to participating Red Lobster locations, where you’ll be then instructed in a series of lobster-themed yoga poses (be sure to bring towels, as we typically use a rolled up towel to represent a lobster tail!) This is followed by a light lunch of buttered rolls, and we crank up the heat just a little bit, allowing patrons to enjoy the feeling of being lobsters themselves. As the day rolls on, dinner is served, everyone is sweaty, and the room smells of dillweed! In the end,everyone winds up exhausted, but it’s a very happy exhausted. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Bisque shakes. That's a new, challenging way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• As they enter, male and female diners are divided intoseparate groups. On even numbered days, the men strap plates of lobster to their backs and run around on all fours while the women chase after them with forks and get their fill (don’t worry, the forks are plastic, people!). On odd numbered days, things really heat up: the women are instructed to concoct their most creative lobster headdress. Each woman then proceeds to dance around the grouping of men. The men vote on the most creative design, and everyone gets treated to lobster from the head of a woman! Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• In the interest of transparency and fun times, we set up a special “lobster viewing party” on the third Thursday of every month. Prospective meal eaters can watch a tank of lobsters play fun games like swimming and freeze tag, then choose their favorite lobster from the tank to join them at the table. Not to eat, silly! To befriend! The tables will be well-stocked with all kinds of entertainment activities like board games and portable DVD players. Limit 3 hours per lobster per family. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• During dinner, the waitstaff forms a circle, yells “toro,” and all of a sudden a bull appears in the middle of the restaurant. The first one to get gored loses. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

(Special thanks to Andrew Gall for supplying most of these.)

NJ Transit Signage

Perhaps A Chuck Berry Fan?

Pictured below, someone's paranoid that the flush sensor is also a TMZ camera.

We Escalate The Stupidity

Few things have baffled me more than finding a random, uncaptioned framed photo of a scowling young man with wet hair hanging in a local Walgreens store. "Who is he?" and "Why is his photo hanging there?" were burning questions that we have discussed on this blog. While we may never find the answer to this mystery, we can at least continue to antagonize the store where it was hanging.



The removal of the photo seemed like this was the end to our hijinks, as we had planned to keep adding objects (hats, monocles, etc) to the young man's photo. But inspiration struck: if there is no photo now, what else could we put there in its place? So, weeks pass before we move on to phase two of this project. (The long hiatus was partly blamed on the ice storm that hit New Jersey, and partly because I'm kind of a lazy-ass.)

So after purchasing a cheap photo frame and speaking to a confederate, we were ready to act:




Drum roll please...




Here is a video clip showing what it would look like for a shopper to discover that picture:



We plan to check back on Wednesday to see if the photo is still there. Stay tuned, true believers!

Smell My Pink Thing.

(No, actually that's not the title I wanted to use for this entry. But I'll keep it there anyway.)


So for Christmas I bought Barry a World of Warcraft calendar, which is pretty awesome, if I may say so. But one thing I noticed about it: to the uninitiated, it looks like no matter what powers you possess, weapons you wield, level you've achieved or which mount you ride– shoulder protection is the number one priority for EVERYONE.

A Story In 3 Photos

Lady next to me applies fingernail polish. On a PLANE.

EADJ Magazine Feature: ASIS

If you ride the New York subway regularly, you'll often find a tiny magazine/bodega on the actual platforms. These vendors carry magazine titles that you won't see at your local Borders- often there's a black woman with a gigantic ass on the cover of these periodicals. It was here that I bought a copy of ASIS.


ASIS. The magazine for hustlas, bangers, playas, and ballers who need something to read while waiting at the orthodontist's office.


ASIS boasts articles like "Most Expensive Cars," "Expungement 101," "Domestic Violence: When She Lies," and "How To Bake Vegan Cupcakes In Only 45 Minutes."


One prominent article involved self-defense and domestic abuse, offering helpful ways to avoid getting arrested when your lying bitch of a wife claims you whaled on her when you totally didn't.



Other "how to" articles ranged from the practical to the highly-aspirational:


Oh yeah. There's also booty.



Throw in a rambling interview with wrongly-convicted inmate Darryl "Reese" Johnson with a history of drug dealing and murder attempts, and you've got yourself Issue 13 of ASIS on the newsstands!