The ProofrEADJer: March Edition

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the dashing Dobermann with the curvy tail

Me: the Shiba Inn sniffing all the owners

Hey, handsome! Not much to say except NICE BALLS! I bet they smell great. Call me!

You: the Cane Corso, whatever that is

Me: the energetic Border Collie with the sparkly collar that says PIZAZZ

Yoooooooooo. Let's hang out. I need friends! Hey, where you going?

You: the Cocker Spaniel mix

Me: the German Shepherdish mix

Nice to meet you, cocker! I didn't catch your name because there was so much noise. I live in the neighborhood that smells like dead fish. Drop by sometime! 

💖💖💖💖

The Consumer Electronics Show 2018: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is coming soon, and it promises to showcase some astonishing and advanced technology for consumers. Here are a few scheduled exhibitors:

• Waffle House will introduce WAPP, the smartphone app that helps you shit your drunken pants at 3am.

• Verizon's Erin McPherson, Head of Content Strategy, Acquisition & Programming will hand out her business cards and will be happy to interview if you're hiring

• Boston Dynamics will release all of their robotic dogs to slaughter and maim the entire showroom audience

• NASA will be selling ironic "Space Force, My Ass" t-shirts

• Kikkoman Soy Sauce will fly special "soy sauce drones" to surgically drop soy sauce wherever someone might need some

• The inventor of the IBM ThinkPad will spend 3 hours trying to set up the projector for a retrospective presentation, with a special tribute to the TrackPoint keyboard nub/pointer

• Apple will have a speaker but will ultimately not reveal anything new. Just like they've been doing for the past 7 years.

• BB-8 will be rolling around the convention floor to annoy everyone and get the Star Wars fan base all riled up again

• A lucky guest will be invited to go backstage to see how puppeteers make all the electronics appear to work

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies For Your Weak Brain

It's the beginning of the week, and yet the Info Wars staff are already working on next week's ultraconservative horseshit for Alex Jones to push out of his reddening basketball head. Here are some of the stories they're working on:

• Democrats invented death.

• Every time you watch a Proactive infomercial, George Soros gets another teenage sex slave delivered to his all-chocolate water slide/sex dungeon.

• The third Sam Raimi "Spider-Man" movie was made terrible on purpose so that audiences would hate anything that came in third. This eventually saved the nation from a third Obama term.

• Those claw machines you see in arcades actually contain miniaturized immigrants hiding inside the stuffed animals, and every time you win one, you've let another terrorist across the border.

• Conservative talk show hosts with basketball heads sitting on fat necks shouldn't wear ties or tight collars– it makes you look like a fucking water tower or lollipop.

• Atheists everywhere are already planning this year's War on Christmas, poisoning Christmas tree farm crops and intercepting all Elf On A Shelf correspondence to Santa. BE VIGILANT, CHRISTIANS!

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson"

Click to enlarge and kick yourself for not getting right:

NJ Transit Signage

Eat the Dicks with Boughs of Joel

Joel doesn't know what he's missing.

While he's out of town on his "EADJ Across America" tour, other C-K alumni are in L.A. on agency boondoggles. It's a virtual whirlwind of reminiscing, kvetching and comparing Threadless t-shirts.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Vince realizes that he's getting married THIS month.

(pictured above, a banana hangs out with 3 yups at a douchebag hotel)