U.S. Soccer® Scarves⁵?!

Okay, McDonald's. Let's talk about U.S. Soccer® Scarves⁵.

Number one, if this is all part of the World Cup® promotional thing, that shit is over for the U.S., you know. Reminding us of the World Cup® is just painful³.

Number two, the World Cup® is held in Rio De Janeiro in BRAZIL. Who needs friggin' scarves⁵ there?

Number three, why am I slumming in McDonald's® again?

Number four, what is so shitty about the Fan Pack⁶ that it gets listed sixth⁶?

Number five, Double Quarter Pounder™ With Cheese, $2.99 plus tax†

Number six, since when do soccer and scarves go together?

Edit: Well, shit. Apparently it is a thing:

Number seven, the only Americans who wear scarves are Dr. Who and Harry Potter. Wait, what?

Day Four Of EADJ's Partnership With The Foundation For A Better Life

EADJ Answers, Point-By-Point, That New Cadillac Commercial

VO: Blue blooded. Cold.

EADJ: Is this the beginning of a Twisted Sister music video?

VO: What happened to luxury?

EADJ: Oil prices went up, people got sensible.

VO: Where did all the personality go? The gusto?

EADJ: Hey, the last time Cadillacs had any personality, I think black people were still going to separate schools.

VO: The glamour?

EADJ: The glamour?!

VO: We believe you can have it all. Luxury with lightning in its veins.

EADJ: Well, I want a giraffe with wings. And a wetbar on its neck that dispenses comic books and pussy.

VO: Charismatic. Daring. Derivative of nothing.

EADJ: Mood board.

VO: This is what fuels us. The reason we're not satisfied with blue blooded ordinary, and demand red blooded extraordinary.

EADJ: You guys are fucking dumb. There are interesting luxury cars out there. And there are cool, sensible economy cars out there, too. Cadillac is neither. Why don't you go die in a cave, you oil-burning, anachronistic dinosaur of a shit brand?

VO: This is why we don't just make luxury cars, we make Cadillacs.

EADJ: Are you even listening to me?