25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 1: "A Shoe Addict's Christmas"

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 6 out of 10

Overall Rating: 4 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:25:06

Let's Polish The Candle Snuffer With The EADJ Mail Sack!

John Reid texted these two items recently:

"It says 'vaggggina.'"

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up

Lisa Simpson always grew up knowing she would eventually inherit her mother's pearls.

Who knew that the NY subway system reached Schrute Beet Farm and Dunder Mifflin in Scranton, Pennsylvania? Watch some goddamned TV if you don't get it.

Harlequin PJ bottoms and socks with flops are the perfect way to say, "Back off, potential male companion, I prefer the company of cats!"

If you're going to get style tips, try not to pick them up from a caricature of Marilyn Monroe from a 1969 issue of Mad Magazine. I mean, you're buying calendars, so you should know what year it is.

Tessa wondered why all the other parents left the playground with their kids within minutes of her arriving.

If He-Man dressed in drag, he would definitely use this purse to go with his champagne colored studded leather high heel boots.

"BY THE POWER OF BLOOMINGDALES!"

It's Time To Expand The EADJ Crappinuum

At least I think that's what we call that thing. The EADJ Crappinema Recap Crapline? Whatever. Either way, we've reviewed so many movies on the original spectrum that it's gotten too crowded and impossible to add new entries. Solution: cut it in two places like a piece of broccoli and elongate, allowing more room for more terrible movies!


Yes, now we have plenty of room for the middle of the spectrum, but what if one of the upcoming movies we review is particularly "terrible" or "fucking piss-awful?" Well, my friend, we have allowed plenty of space at either endpoint, so there is still room to add more extremely bad or extremely, extremely bad movies to the chart.

"But does extending the line make the terrible movies more terrible or the fucking piss-awful more pissing fuck-awful?" you might ask. The answer is no, because the continuum has always been and still is a chart of relative values, and there are no actual measurable units assigned to the movies, and the distances between movies represent no particular quantity, either. What are you, a nerd?

Regardless, "Jock Of The Bushveld" still remains the most terrible movie imaginable.


But onto "Unbeatable Harold." Since it had the lazy wrap up resolution of "Playin' For The Kitty" and the non-comedic timing of "Da Station," I parked it right between those two films. You'll see it inhabits the lower end of the Crappinema spectrum, as it should. And to its director: montages are a spice; you should use them sparingly. Otherwise you end up with a mouthful of Mrs. Dash, and nobody wants that.

W.H.A.T.?

Spotted in a subway platform magazine stand, F.E.D.S. (Finally Every Dimension Of The Streets) Magazine, whose editors apparently have never written pithy headlines for magazine covers before, unless that's pretty much the entire gist of Kenneth Waller's story. Frankly, I think they just copied the first sentence of each article.