Tuesday, June 30, 2009

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Shoot a Free Throw in Basketball


Balance yourself at the free throw line. Keep your feet shoulder-width apart and parallel to one another. Hold the ball by using the hand of your nonshooting arm to support and cradle it lightly. Place the middle three fingers of your shooting hand on the seams of the ball, with your thumb and palm acting as supports. (Keep your shooting forearm straight, and avoid tilting it to one side. Try to keep the arm that will be releasing the ball oriented toward the basket.)

Aim for a target just above the rim, and try not to shoot the ball short. A good target is the backboard shooting square drawn above the rim. Bend your knees. An accurate shot doesn't rely on arm strength; it uses leg strength to propel the shooter upward.

Shoot in one fluid motion, straightening your knees to strengthen the shot and your arm to provide aim. Release the ball with your fingertips. This allows you more control over your shot and a softer arc because of the backspin you create.

Finally, follow through by bending your shooting hand forward, as though you're reaching for the rim.

And speaking of reaching, when riding in my town car, I understand that if you're a prom kid or if you've never been in a limo before, you're going to like standing up with your head out of the sunroof and wave your arms in the air– everybody likes to do that. But when you start acting like a jerk by throwing my drinking glasses at cars or trying to moon people, that's when I slam on the breaks and tell you you're not getting your deposit back. Consider yourself warned, kids.

RUN!

(pictured below, Gambino terrorizes a small neighborhood in the Bronx)


Monday, June 29, 2009

A True Story

Barry, a guy I've known since Portfolio School in Atlanta, who also happens to live two blocks down from me AND is a co-worker one floor from me (Jeez, back OFF man) was recently given the green light by his allergist that he could eat mollusks. So last weekend he enjoyed some, but within a couple of hours, he was already feeling queasy.


Barry turned to the Internet and Googled the phrase "i get sick every time I eat mollusks," and sure enough, the twentieth entry was EAT A DICK JOEL!


Eat A Dick Joel has decided to award Barry the Jade Mollusk Award for coming across EADJ totally randomly by using a phrase with "mollusk" in it. Barry's new award is at the bottom of this page. Congrats, Barry! Put this on your resume!

The Confused NYC Tourists


Pekka: Helmi!

Helmi: What, Pekka?

Pekka: Now I am confused.

Helmi: Why are you experiencing the confusion?

Pekka: Well, not only do the streets of America flow the different way that we have accustomed to, but the street signs trick me when I drive in the Manhattan. I regret the rental automobile that we getted.

Helmi: Where is my wallet?

Pekka: And when we drive from West Side Highway to the Meatpacking Area, I follow the signs like the policeman tell me to, but then old ladies all over windshield!

Helmi: Pekka, it is not normal to drive on sidewalk.

Pekka: But I follow traffic rules. And still, old lady begging for life on hood of car! Helmi, take another photograph in case I find arrest by policemen.

(Click)

A True Comedy Classic

This from November 2006 in Chicago, at Unnamed Organization: Travis, Vince, and Nikki (out of frame) demonstrate how flammable non-dairy creamer is.

video

Friday, June 26, 2009

A Special Message From Pewter Bear





Wow, Pewter Bear. What you said there really makes us think.


No, we mean it really makes us think about how much we wish YOU were dead. You're such a pusillanimous, contemptible little shitsock that you still being alive is empirical proof that there is no justice in the universe.


Why don't you stick your head in a corn thresher, you miserable, strangle-able waste of pewter? Or dive into a cobra's nest. Whatever. We could give a shit. Feel our hate!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

An Imagined Conversation.



"Hello?"
"Hi, it's Imelda."
"Hello, Imelda. How are you?"
"I just called to tell you I won't be making the Dance Cruise on the 4th."
"Imelda! We've already advertised 2 SAMBA DANCERS! We need you and Clara!"
"I'm so sorry, something came up, and I cannot make it."
"Is it money? Is money the problem? We can pay you more!"
"No, it's not the money. The $40 would have helped with bills, though."
"Well, Imelda, please reconsider!"
"It's...it's complicated...I cannot work with Clara any more."
"Was it the 'sexy dance' comment she made during the Mardi Gras cruise?"
(silence)
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"She was kidding, Imelda! You do a very sexy dance! She was just drunk off too many caipirinhas. She loves and admires you."
"Truth comes out when you're drunk. She thinks she dances sexier than me."
(long pause)
"Well, sometimes she dances sexier..."
"You SEE? Even you know! And I'll admit it– I've had kind of a weight problem since Arby's came out with those new Fajita Flatbread Melts (they're delicious!). So it's probably best that I don't dance on the 4th."
"Oh, Imelda, I beg you! We need two dancers! Otherwise the cruise is so small potatoes, so bush league! Like that Chinese New Year cruise, and we only had two guys and an unhappy dog for the dragon!"

Exeunt

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Bonus Brooklyn Car Badassery!

Something occurred on my street that I did not expect.

A man was asleep in an idling van. And not just any man.


Yes, my friends. It would appear that the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has reentered my life.


There are tears in my eyes. There's a lump in my pants. Oh, SFVOSP, how I've missed you. How I've yearned for your return. Thank you, Jesus.

<3

Let's Argue With the Appraiser About the Authenticity of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Dave Levy, "I found your black cousin in casting:"


"I loved his expression," Dave added.

Personally, I don't see it. But maybe that just makes me a RACIST?

Brooklyn Car Badassery

A minivan keeps it real:



And a guy refuses to stop farting in his "Incoln" Towncar:


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Some Recent IMs

This from Tom Weingard:


This from Andrew Gall:


And this from Jessica Foster:


For more on Phoebe Summersquash, click here, here and here.

Monday, June 22, 2009

A New EADJ Monday Segment: The Confused NYC Tourists


Pekka: Helmi!

Helmi: What, Pekka?

Pekka: Can you see what I see?

Helmi: There is so much to see in New York the City. Which thing are you seeing?

Pekka: Agreed, there is an explosion of visual delights in this marvelous city. But I was specifying the looking at the one thing on the "side-walk" there.

Helmi: Ø Mein Göten!

Pekka: I know, right?

Helmi: Ø the wonders of mankind! New York the City is like a display of man's finest achievements!

Pekka: I am glad that I brought the photo-camera with us to United States for recording these marvels.

Helmi: Well, don't just stand there, take a photograph of the strange thing!

Pekka: I am still lost in wonder. Is it even real? How did it find its way there? Who helped it become that way? It is so high. perhaps it is a tall farmer's duty? So many questions.

Helmi: No time to wonder! Photograph the thing so we can show our relatives! We can discuss later, there is no time! PHOTOGRAPH IT!!!!

* click *

An EADJ Classic Clip

This clip is from March, 2006. Michelle Litos demonstrates the unexplained drift of the center pleat on her left jean leg after only a few steps.

video

Friday, June 19, 2009

Kreppuspilið Again!


Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!

To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:

• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.

• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!


This should help explain some of these strategies

• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.

• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.


• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.

• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.

• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!

• Have fun, Joel!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

Pictured below, a brand new mattress gets ruined by a homicide of some kind. Or either I've been hit by a shrink ray, and that's a regular sized maxipad.



Incidentally, this was on the same street that I spotted that rap video being taped. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Somebody At Old Bridge Deli is Fucking With Me.

In a December entry, EADJ revealed that along with all the other toys that had been purged in "The Great Purge," some native figurines had also disappeared from the Old Bridge Deli fountain.

This visual from the December entry tracks the disappearance of two "nativity figures:"


But months and months later, we discovered that two of the indigenous figures had been RETURNED to their little manger-hut thing. This photo was taken June 15:


Now, after consulting the boys in the EADJ Think Tank®, we have come up with four possible scenarios to explain why they would return:

SCENARIO ONE: The two figures were being cleaned by a Chinese figurine cleaning specialist, Wang Tzu-sung (yes, the same Wang Tzu-sung who plays shortstop for Uni-President Lions of Chinese Professional Baseball League). Due to his hectic baseball schedule (which he pronounces "sheh-jool" like the English do), Wang Tzu-sung has taken longer than usual to clean the mold, dust, and water stains from the figures.


SCENARIO TWO: Some asshole at Old Bridge Deli knows about this blog and reads it regularly to see if we post his manipulations. Well, we're talking to YOU now, Old Bridge employee! You think this is some kind of sick chess game, with your Chinese figurines as playing pieces on that chess board that you call a fountain? Well, CHECKMATE, my brother! The game is afoot, and your ass is aplomb! (Yeah, that didn't make any sense.)

SCENARIO THREE: Skynet, a self-aware network of supercomputers, has launched two shapeshifting cyborgs, or "Terminators," back in time to kill a young Basil Connor, beloved cousin of John Connor, the future leader of the human resistance. The reason why the machines would go through all the trouble to kill a cousin of John Connor or why the Terminators have chosen to take the shape of two chintzy Chinese figurines remains unclear, but when you think about it, most of the last few movies don't make a lick of sense anyway. Directed by McG. Rated R.

SCENARIO FOUR: I'm losing my mind.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Promise Not To Use the Word "Douche" in This Entry. Whoops.


Chad: Hey Brad!

Brad: Chad. Todd.

Todd: Chad. Brad.

Chad: Nice. Blue striped shirt, khakis.

Brad: Uniform of champs, right?

(fist bump)


Chad: You read to chow, fags?

Brad: Yeah, I gotta get back to the office in a bit, though.

Todd: Yeah, me too. Can't chow for long. Maybe one brew.

Chad: Power lunch. One brew.



Waitress: Are you guys ready to order?

Brad: Fuck yeah. Turkey burger. Stella on tap.

Chad: Turkey burger. Stella on tap.

Todd:
Soy burger. Sam Adams on tap.

Brad: Fag.

Chad: Fag.

Todd: Let me change that. Stella on tap.

Brad: Fag.

Chad: Fag.

Todd: Is it too late to make that a turkey burger?

Waitress:

Monday, June 15, 2009

Burned By Dunkin Donuts AGAIN.

Some of you readers might remember an earlier entry (remember, who am I kidding?) where the wife and I had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and got burned by their shitty service/food. Well, I got burned by their advertising this time and got a belly full o' nuthin out of it.


Saturday morning, I ordered one of their "Wake-Up Wraps," because I wanted to wake up and eat something as close to a Meximelt as possible. "One o' them Wake-Up Wraps, please!" So ten minutes later, the English-as-a-second-language student brought out what looked like an empty tray. But it wasn't.





I know I mumbled something about never eating there again, but both J'Net and I know that's not the case; it's the only place to eat breakfast before the on-ramp to 278 West to Jersey. So for now I pound my fist at you, Dunkin Donuts! Till we meet again, my breakfast chain nemesis!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Oh, Fuck You, CNN.


(pictured above, live breaking news)

Maybe A Little Obsessive.

I spotted in a recent issue of "Fantastic Man" magazine, one of those M&M ads that turns celebrities into creepy edible versions of themselves.


I noticed his signature, and it got me wondering if the DVD he gave me a long time ago was really signed by him or by some PA flunkie.


So a quick check verified the arrogantly ambitious "M," the overcomplicated "B" and the plot-be-damned "Y" flourish. It's a match!


Yay, I can now forge trillion dollar checks at the Check Cashing place on 9th Street.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Yum.

After yesterday's EADJ Song Hate entry, a few curious readers* asked us, "What is that delicious treat that Rob Thomas is enjoying in that photo?" We tried to contact his booking agent Grabow to ascertain the treat, but our calls were not returned.

*Not really


So using the Internet and our own cognitive reasoning, we present the 4 most likely candidates:

1) Nutella Sandwich


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Right color, square shape; brown all around the edges, just like a sandwich.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong size for a regular slice of bread; texture is too "Smooth" (sorry) for bread.


2) Fig Newton


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color; generally right shape.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Fig newtons are brown only on the ends; WAY too big to be a fig newton.


3) Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwich

Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color?
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong shape; too thin to be an ice cream sandwich; plus, it would have melted during the shoot because it looks like "a hot one" (sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry).


Pepperidge Farm® Milano Cookie


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct texture; brown filling goes all around; right size! Plus, in a recent interview with "Interview" Magazine, Rob Thomas professed his love for Milano cookies, dating all the way back to 1999, THE YEAR THIS VIDEO CAME OUT!
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Shit, wrong shape.