Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's stable of talented writers are cranking out improbable (yet unbelievable) conspiracy stories for gullible dumbasses to believe at first listen. Here are some conspiracies you can expect on one of his upcoming broadcasts:

• UPC symbols are actually secret QR codes that homosexuals use to get the "gay discount" at the supermarket

• Universal remotes use infrared frequencies, which are responsible for airborne AIDS and electronic COVID

• The 2020 film "Wonder Woman 1984" uses subliminal messages to indoctrinate viewers into thinking it's not an absolute piece of shit film

• Dentists nationwide are using fillings as dumping grounds for toxic waste from the wind farm industry

• All school shootings have been faked using special effects by evil liberal Hollywood studios to convince people to give up their guns and stop worshipping God

Question

 

What is "tobacco violence"?

EADJ Has Finally Narrowed Down The Possible Answers To The Question "Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)" From The 1961 Song

After decades of expensive research and on-site interviews, EADJ has narrowed the list of suspects from Barry Mann's one hit doo-wop song "Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)" where he wonders aloud who wrote the song that made his baby fall in love with him.

We've narrowed it down to 8 suspects:

1) a 48 year old Richard Nixon

2) Casey Kasem

3) a railroad hopping hobo

4) Jesus of Nazareth

5) Italian horror filmmakers Mario Bava, Riccardo Freda, and Antonio Margheriti

6) 1960 Summer Olympics Sailing Gold medalist David Smith

7) D.B. Cooper

8) in the song they say it's a man, but it could've been Julia Child

20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

In an earlier segment back in 2014, we told you how Ariana Grande presents herself as the most adorable doe-eyed singing, blushing baby cat on the planet, but over a year has passed, and it's time to add to the list. (Do keep in mind that as Ariana gets older, this list will grow really fast.)

Here's the latest list of stuff cuter than Ariana Grande, much to her adorable dismay:

1. lobsters with booties on their feet

2. midgets dressed like Frankenstein

3. happy ducklings with little top hats on

4. Bing trying to convince you that it's a successful search engine

5. the way Anthony Hopkins says "cunt"

6. a cartoon whistle

7. a cat trying to eat a taco

8. those little chimneys that stick out of port-a-johns

9. twins sneezing

10. that old flying toaster screensaver

11. blooper reels

12. old men wearing rugby shirts

13. mice getting married

14. Godzooky

15. cake toppers

16. Taylor Swift (oooh burn!)

17. yogurt bites

18. college-age testicles

19. Welsh corgis

20. Manowar's second album Into Glory Ride (1983)

The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

The EADJ Crappinema Reluctantly Posts A Review of "Secret Agent Club," starring Hulk Hogan

Oh dear. "Secret Agent Club" isn't even Hulk Hogan's first foray into kid-friendly fare- he had already appeared in 1991's "Suburban Commando" and 1993's "Mr. Nanny." So he either loves working with kids or hates even numbers. Billed as "True Lies" meets "Home Alone," the 1996 film "Secret Agent Club" is more accurately described as "An Icepick To The Taint" meets "Getting Audited." How bad is it? I would rather watch all thirty Wrestlemania specials with lampreys attached to my nuts than endure this movie a second time. Truth.

Editor's note: To help spice up this Crappinema, I took the liberty of peppering this write-up with some goofy Hulk Hogan gifs. Collect all 8 for a chance to win a Secret Agent Club beach towel not really!

This is the actual, verbatim dialogue between Mr. Yamata and Jeremy in this scene:

Mr. Yamata: When your Mama die, very hard on your Papa. You think he not miss her as much as you? 

Jeremy: He was never home, anyway. He was always off at some stupid toy convention. He wasn't even home when she died.

Mr. Yamata: Jeremy, he needs you now.

Jeremy: I don't think so.

Mr. Yamata: Well, you think again. He has no one else.

Overall grade: F