Showing posts with label asperger's syndrome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label asperger's syndrome. Show all posts

Monday, March 7, 2022

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched


"Lifeboats? No thanks. We're just going to pray for Jesus to save us from the demonic iceberg."


"Don't race him, Johnny! That's Dead Man's Curve!"

"I gotta do it, Wendy. For my STREET RESPECT."


"Tell your girlfriend to close her legs. It reeks up in here!"


"This was all consensual, right? WHEW!"


"Oof! Someone had Häagen-Dazs."


"If we weren't such dumb fucking humans, maybe we wouldn't rely so much on a goddamned dog to keep us alive!"


"GAAAH! Sorry back there. I had some Taco Bell."

Friday, September 18, 2015

A List of Shows That Will Be Taken Down From Netflix In October


Netflix has announced the latest round of movies and TV shows that will no longer be available at the end of September because of contract disputes or trade embargoes or whatever. Here's what to watch on Netflix before you're forced to switch over to Hulu (what a friggin' hassle, right?):

Movies
Tyler Perry's SMH
Steampunk Gardener
The Bourne Conjugation
Tweakier
The Reanimated Undead Zombie Groupon Riot
Uber Romances (Rom. Comedy)
2 Actresses Whose Name You Forget Pretend To Be Cops In a Tiresome Comedy
"Minority Report, The Series," The Motion Picture
Aunt Margaret's Candy Dish (Horror)
Tough Titty
Craft Service Tables That John Travolta Has Enjoyed (Documentary Series)
Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN
Gooby II

TV Shows
The Lance Bass Experiment, Seasons 1-3
Adult Swim's Fuckerfuck & The Pine Cone Cockcunts
Shark Tank, Season 2, 5, 6, and 8
Ken Burns Documentary Series: The Origin of "Yo Mamma" Jokes
America's Got Type 2 Diabetes
Rarities Series: Carol Burnett Skits Where Tim Conway Didn't Crack Up
Uber Romances, The Series
Prison Game show: Shank My Prag
Playboy's Sexiest Notary Publics In Ohio
Ignoring The Kardashians
Mama Weer All Crazy Now, The Musical Series
Asperger's + Hidden Cameras
Blackjak, The Black Kojak

Monday, June 29, 2015

EADJ Pun Cops: Riot Police Edition


"Okay, boys. We're the last line of defense here. Puns... really bad puns... have taken over the city, and it's up to us to bring it all back under control. These puns are going to be coming fast and furious in a few moments, and I want you all to HOLD THE LINE. Everything's counting on this or it's total chaos. Let's go."



"Holy shit. 'She's a natural born Keller?' That is such a LAZY tagline."

*steps on the pun's neck and puts a ziptie around its ankles*


"Crepe Cod." "Crepe of Wrath." And even "Crepe-e Puns." This is a bit worse, but still generally lazy. We can handle this."


*easily deflects the puns with a riot shield*


"Groooaan. This is pretty bad. Stay tight, boys, don't let the 'hay' and the 'moo' combine forces here."

"Ha, you said 'force.'"

"HOLD THE LINE!!!!!"


"WE NEED TO RETREAT A FEW STEPS!!!!!! 'USEFUL? TOTES' is more than our defense line can withstand. Use the fire hose! Use the pepper spray! Throw some stun grenades!"



"RETREAT!!!!! RETREAT!!!!!! I'LL SEE YOU ALL BACK AT THE STATION– I'M OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

An Imagined Conversation.

"What do you call those helicopter things?"
"Helicopter things?"
"Those helicopter seeds."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about those seeds that twirl like helicopters when they fall from trees."
"You mean sycamore seeds?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"Why do you ask?"
"No reason."


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Shoot a Free Throw in Basketball


Balance yourself at the free throw line. Keep your feet shoulder-width apart and parallel to one another. Hold the ball by using the hand of your nonshooting arm to support and cradle it lightly. Place the middle three fingers of your shooting hand on the seams of the ball, with your thumb and palm acting as supports. (Keep your shooting forearm straight, and avoid tilting it to one side. Try to keep the arm that will be releasing the ball oriented toward the basket.)

Aim for a target just above the rim, and try not to shoot the ball short. A good target is the backboard shooting square drawn above the rim. Bend your knees. An accurate shot doesn't rely on arm strength; it uses leg strength to propel the shooter upward.

Shoot in one fluid motion, straightening your knees to strengthen the shot and your arm to provide aim. Release the ball with your fingertips. This allows you more control over your shot and a softer arc because of the backspin you create.

Finally, follow through by bending your shooting hand forward, as though you're reaching for the rim.

And speaking of reaching, when riding in my town car, I understand that if you're a prom kid or if you've never been in a limo before, you're going to like standing up with your head out of the sunroof and wave your arms in the air– everybody likes to do that. But when you start acting like a jerk by throwing my drinking glasses at cars or trying to moon people, that's when I slam on the breaks and tell you you're not getting your deposit back. Consider yourself warned, kids.