Brand: Tri Soft Single Ply
Texture: Like flattened barnacles
Effectiveness: Just "tri" and wipe without shrieking for help.
Brand: Red & White Bath Tissue- Tejido Fino Del Cuarto De Baño
Texture: Similar to prickly pear cacti in the Tex/Mex border.
Effectiveness: It's named "Red & White" for a reason. Just look after using.
Brand: Mont Royal, whose name implies royalty and regality.
Texture: Like the underside of a manservant's sandals.
Effectiveness: It does the job, but not without a severe beating.
Brand: Marcal 'Small Steps,' which boasts 'a small, easy step to a greener world.'
Texture: Like treebark on a roll.
Effectiveness: The name 'small steps' actually refers to how you'll walk after tearing your ass up with this.
Brand: Sanibel, which sounds like a heifer cow's name
Texture: Feels not unlike straddling a belt sander.
Effectiveness: Hard to tell through all the tears.
Brand: Emerald Premium 2-Ply Toilet Tissue
Texture: Like a Kansas tornado tore through your colon and dropped you in Oz.
Effectiveness: "If I Only Had An Ass."
Brand: Unnamed Pink Ribboned Roll
Texture: Much like a carrot grater banana seat.
Effectiveness: About as effective as praying it off.
Brand: "PS" Prime Source
Texture: Somehow less comfortable than using the wrapper it came in.
Effectiveness: 100% removal of all poop, skin.
p.s. I love you
Brand: Coral Bathroom Tissue
Texture: Like snapping off a jagged piece of rock out of the barrier reef and throwing that up your crack.
Effectiveness: I don't want to talk about it.
Brand: I know this is not off-brand, but Charmin "Basic"
Texture: Basically, a no-frills ride through Abu Ghraib.
Effectiveness: Works. Does the job. And it completely worthy of the method in which it is displayed:
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