Fun With Non-English Speaking People Leaving Notes On Inanimate Objects!

(pictured above, a dryer at a laundromat and a stove outside a repair shop. Both in Brooklyn)

An Imagined Conversation.

"We'll call the place Smart Workout."
"Okay. What does that mean?"
"I dunno. And we'll say it's 'An activities venue.'"
"I don't understand what that means, either."
"Then we'll take a few photos of the place to put on the sign outside."
"But there's no one here. It'll be a photo of an empty gym with two rowing machines."
"Then you can take a photo of me being sexy on this here pole, as if we have poledancing classes!"
"I want out of this business, Cheryl. I'm serious."

Seriously Nast-a-roni.

Monday morning, I came across a ginormous roach in the hallway. Again. I took a photo with my watch, you know, for scale:


Regular EADJ readers may find this photo very familiar. That's because an almost identical picture was posted in a November entry.


That is not the same roach, but shit, it actually seems BIGGER. Which begs some seriously disturbing questions:

1) What the fuck?
2) We're on the 23rd Floor of this building. How can roaches this huge thrive up here?
3) Roaches only thrive where there's a lot of food waste. Is someone hoarding food in their office?
4) How dirty is my watch now?

Dog + Balls

(pictured above, Michelle Litos moonlights. Moonlitos?)

Oh the Horror.

(pictured above, an Easter-themed version of one of those anti-drunk driving films)

Megan's Reaction to 2G1C

Better late than never, right?



Incidentally, Megan just said yes to Andrew's proposal this weekend. Presumably before he showed her "2 Girls 1 Cup."

Another Smecial Dreams Entry!

We asked folks if they had any weird dreams lately:





"Ummmmm, no. I actually am not a big dreamer."
- Joanne S





"I started working at a sushi restaurant with Ranee Wu. It was like a party sushi house...everyone's getting fucked up I couldn't remember any of the rolls. I was a horrible server. That was two nights ago, and I kept chain smoking. It was weird– I was in a weird Asian culture and I was the white girl. What's that mean?"
– Lauren Fontinel







"I dreamt I was in purgatory, but then I realized I was daydreaming at work so I don't think that counts."
- Lorraine S







"A guy with no pants on checked me in at the airport. That was a dream I had like a week ago."
- Andrew Gall








"I have very vivid true-to-life dreams. Not like, 'I was flying with a sea turtle and then Big Bird ate me.'"
- Beth Stone, who often dreams of the snack machine having the crackers she likes




"I had a dream I was running from the law. My friend had stolen something and I was the innocent guy with him, driving into parking garages hiding, running on foot... cops getting closer....then I woke up. Swear to God... I think I need to change something in my life or confront something..."
- Brent Caukin

French Hat.

In honor of Brynn being back from vacation, here's a photo of her with a hat floating above her head:

Success!

Today the salad dressing dude (picture above) called me "Sir!"

This is what I was wearing:


MANLY!

I'm Not the Target.

Spotted on Third Avenue: A poster for "Pop Your Panties, with Paris, Nicole & Lindsay," an original music video short playing at the ImaginAsian Theater. Yeah.

Can you not get enough celebrity coverage of a bunch of useless Hollywood vag? Do you miss seeing music videos? Do you want to get out of the house for one night to get your eardrums raped for charity? Then come on down to the ImaginAsian Theater!

The top of the poster bills Ashley Michaelsen as Paris, Tiffany Lee as Nicole, and Kimberly Magness as Lindsay in the video short, but further down Zelma Davis is Paris, Cricket is Nicole, and Susanne Depperman is Lindsay performing "Plastic Paris."

More info at PopYourPanties.com

Or see the bizarre country music video here!

Or buy the music video for your iPhone on iTunes!

Or shoot yourself in the eye!

Coming soon: The EADJ Crapcade!

EADJ is proud to announce the upcoming new segment, The Crapcade, cousin to the EADJ Crapinema. Here we'll review the shittiest games, systems, or controllers this side of Chinatown, including the Playstation 1 game pictured above, "Largo Winch: Commando SAR" which we recently picked up at Rite Aid for 9 bucks.

Watch this space for videogame shittery!

An As-Yet Unanswered Wedding Tip

Andrew asks Jessica an oblique (and super-dark) Wedding Tip question.

Jessica and Ayana had attempted to answer this question, but they were confused about the meaning of the question and filmed a really awkward non-response which was ultimately rejected by EADJ publishers.

So this is all we got so far.

A Catchy Tagline.

Monique apparently likes getting it done in teacher's breakrooms.

Crime and Punishment.

You know what's more annoying than the fact that the titles of Grey's Anatomy episodes are popular song titles? When somebody 'borrows' something from your desk and doesn't tell you. I come back from a 4-hour lunch yesterday and LOOK. Something's missing from my desk! Where the flock is my tape dispenser?


One of the CD's on another account works across the hall from me. He's a lovely, marvelous guy, but I remembered him borrowing my stapler the other week and not returning it. So it was safe to assume he borrowed it? Yes. And not only that, but you can see in the background of the shot below, his EMPTY tape dispenser.


He also used enough of my tape to pretty much end the roll. So that's no good.


My punishment for him? I take back my tape dispenser and leave a CD of terrible music on his desk. Take that!

An Oral Tradition Passes On To The Next Generation.

In Vegas, Mel Kreilein tells the others the legend of the infamous "El Cheapo Luncho" incident.

Whoopsy Doo.

(pictured above, a band member doesn't realize he's blowing the keyboardist on an album cover)

Prop Comedy with Garbage

(pictured above, Tom does a sidewalk production of either Cat On a Hot Tin Roof or as Bailey on Party of Five)

Look Behind You, ASSHOLE.

Maybe It's a Cultural Thing...

Regular EADJ readers may remember a January 7 entry where we found some weird framed signs in a restaurant toilet. It looked like this:


Which is fine, but something I thought was an isolated incident. Nope.

Found elsewhere in Brooklyn:


And in Manhattan:


Somehow a warning against throwing paper in the toilet warrants a stylish wooden frame in these parts. Am I in some alternate 'I Love Country' universe or something? What are your theories?

What Matt Thinks 4: Seed of Shorty

This time around, Matt passes judgment on a new release.



Matt added later: "She should have some discipline and stop recording music."

Rub One Out.

As a connoisseur and enthusiast of the art of frottage, Joel has found it frustrating to live in L.A., where few people take mass transit. He has, however, found that he can rub his crotch against people in dense gatherings like sporting events or conventions- the most recent being a comic book convention in San Diego.

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarboro (note the new spelling) dressed like The Falcon & Dyno-Mutt, respectively, to the 2008 Comic-Con. Once inside, Joel cleared his codpiece and began to happily rut against convention-goers almost to the point of climax.

I say "almost" because convention security– especially primed to detect sexual deviance since Furries had started attending– cracked down on the frottage immediately and tossed Joel out posthaste. The chimp servant, however, was not involved and was allowed to stay for the duration. So while Joel sat outside and ate stale parking lot dick, Chad Yarboro hobnobbed with Battlestar Galactica stars Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, and Kandyse McClure. Hot stuff!

(pictured above, a Karate mural artist in Brooklyn is either lazy or racist)

Spreading the Cheer

(pictured above, Jeanette's sister Terri also got a Christmas greeting from Christy and Peanut, who you might remember from a previous entry. Terri was also befuddled.)

A Sly Method.

(pictured above, Tara pretends to be playful with Tom's enormous coat when she actually just needs a place to fart)

No Conga Either

(pictured above, J'Net & I and the wedding DJ come to an understanding)

I don't even know what to title this one.

Maybe "Wow, That's A Total Waste of Everyone's Time."

Best Ad Ever. Of the Week.

Keys to awesomeness:

1) Bizarre use of Myriad Pro (why is prostate cancer upside down?)

2) Some sort of weird play on words for "Gentlemen prefer blondes?!?!"

3) Misusing the verb tense for "gentleman."

Apparently Cola is editing again.

***UPDATE: For a riveting, hypnotic look at the entire campaign in Quicktime form, click here.

New EADJ Segment: Brynn's Posytyve Spynn

So here's the deal with this new segment. We read a hard-hitting, possibly upsetting news article, and our lil' Brynn puts her 'posytyve spynn' on the subject– the silver lining. Then comedy somehow appears magically, I dunno.



*Bonus info: Brynn has asked EADJ to remove her last name from the blog, so that when she Googles herself, "Eat A Dick Joel" doesn't show up as the FIRST listing anymore.

A Nightmare On My Street

Coming soon to 8th Street: No parking in exchange for longing stares, men seizing women's shoulders, and possibly Alexandra Chando.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From "The Onion Movie" page, with a video of two kids cutting and examining onions and other vegetables, a comment from "thestave500:"

"um... you guys are fags... that was really gay, just like all your videos... i wish you would die... in a very horrible way... and put it on YouTube... so i could watch you die... and laugh... because that is the only funny thing you could do.... die... fuckin losers....i hate you..."

On his About page, "thestave500" writes the following about himself:

Interests and Hobbies: I like to set things on fire, skateboared, playguitar, snow board, and hang out with my friends...

Somehow I doubt he's really 27. Unless he's 27 and really dumb.

I'm seriously considering calling for the free DVD.

I weigh 175 lbs. Don't know if they could carry me...

Let's Look In My Parents' Fridge!

Believe it or not, some of these ingredients find their way into dinner and are quite tasty. Or not. Ask my caucasian fiancée.