Trouble At Target

Spotted at Target, somebody punched a poster of an infant in the crotch.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 17: "Christmas On Honeysuckle Lane" Starring Alicia Witt

Having starred in a number of Hallmark Christmas movies (The Mistletoe Inn, Christmas List, A Snow Globe Christmas, A Very Merry Mix-Up, Christmas at Cartwright's, and I'm Not Ready For Christmas), Alicia Witt is one of the reigning actresses of the holiday cheese log genre. "Christmas On Honeysuckle Lane" is her latest entry in the scoreboard, which is probably the kindest thing I can say about it. This one was brutal– halfway through, I was hoping it was the end.

Romance Factor: 4 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 6 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:21:18

Kristine Johnson's Crotch Is Prime Real Estate

CBS 2 News apparently considers Kristine Johnson's netherparts suitable to project some branding as well as some handy info.

All I know is that it's 82º down there. Heyooooo!

Meanwhile, Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") has leased advertising space on his ass to local restaurant Fernandez Steakhouse.

And in surprising unrelated news, correspondent Alice Gainer apparently has appeared in the Jeremy Renner movie "The Bourne Legacy." Hoonoo.

Rub One Out.

As a connoisseur and enthusiast of the art of frottage, Joel has found it frustrating to live in L.A., where few people take mass transit. He has, however, found that he can rub his crotch against people in dense gatherings like sporting events or conventions- the most recent being a comic book convention in San Diego.

Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarboro (note the new spelling) dressed like The Falcon & Dyno-Mutt, respectively, to the 2008 Comic-Con. Once inside, Joel cleared his codpiece and began to happily rut against convention-goers almost to the point of climax.

I say "almost" because convention security– especially primed to detect sexual deviance since Furries had started attending– cracked down on the frottage immediately and tossed Joel out posthaste. The chimp servant, however, was not involved and was allowed to stay for the duration. So while Joel sat outside and ate stale parking lot dick, Chad Yarboro hobnobbed with Battlestar Galactica stars Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, and Kandyse McClure. Hot stuff!

(pictured above, a Karate mural artist in Brooklyn is either lazy or racist)

The more things change, the more dick Joel eats.

Oh Joel.

This reporter came to L.A. and even flew out his fiancée so we could meet up with Joel and have some non-dick eating fun. Unfortunately, Joel was flying out for some out-of-town freelance action.

Missed connections. Lost opportunities. Rivers of tears.

In more lighthearted news, Mel Gibson's "Apocalyptico" took the top box office spot.

(pictured above, a snapshot Brad Harvey took of Carsten's crotch as he orders some high-falutin wine)