Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based on Glitter Tattoo Names

A declining box office has forced Hollywood's major studios to scramble for the next big blockbuster franchise. But since almost every novel, comic book, original script, adapted script and short story idea has already been turned into a movie, the next place to look for ideas is from Glitter Tattoo names from a gumball machine in a Pump It Up trampoline park in Roselle Park, New Jersey.

Here now are all the script ideas already in development with the names attached to the projects:

"Crowned Heart" starring George Clooney, Aldis Hodge and Karen Gillan

Two pediatricians (Clooney and Hodge) help an exceptional child with a chronic illness find his voice and inspire his entire school. Karen Gillan plays the aggrieved mother.

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"Flying Dragon" starring Simu Liu, Ali Wong and Alex Winter

Two karaoke singers (Liu and Winter) are mistaken for Chinese gangsters and need to find the real culprits to clear their name within 24 hours. Also starring Clancy Brown as Police Sergeant Mudworth.

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"Dancing Dolphins" directed by Mira Sorvino. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Minoso, Sophia Bush, and Paula Patton

This script is still being developed under tight wraps. but all we know so far is that it's being filmed in Florida and Weta Workshop is developing the special fx. Lizzo, P!nk and Sam Smith are recording the soundtrack.

 

A Question For Hollywood

Do we really need a "badass," violent reboot of Hansel and Gretel? Is Hollywood so creatively bankrupt that they have to resort to turning pages from Mother Goose into R-rated CGI crapfests? Answer: Yes.

"But you haven't even seen the movie," naysayers might say. Yes, I have. I was unfortunate enough to have watched "Snow White and The Huntsman," the "badass," violent reboot of the popular children's story, in the theatre. It had badass killer dwarfs. And a badass Snow White eating a badass poison apple that makes her go to badass sleep. Adding a layer of badass over every detail of a familiar story doesn't make it more "contemporary" or "relevant to our times" or whatever it is the filmmakers are trying to push on us. It just looks self-serious and silly.

And while we're on the subject, can we quit with the modernized reboots of fairy tales as badass crime TV shows? Ooohh, police respond to a possible homicide involving a morbidly obese man named H. Dumpty who fell from his luxury balcony in the Upper West Side! Get it?

I was going to end this entry with a bit where I write fake episode summaries of these shows (Little Bo Peep, Hey Diddle Diddle, The Pied Piper, etc) but unlike the networks, I realize you already know how lamely that would play out and I don't want to waste your time. So instead, here's a photo of my neighbor clearing brush on Christmas Day:

Six Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On a NJ Diner Breakfast Menu

The major Hollywood studios have been out of movie ideas for years. Recently, however, they've gotten desperate enough to raid the breakfast menu to develop new feature films. Here are their upcoming cinematic offerings:

"Scrambled" starring Jason Bateman and Sarah Silverman

Bateman plays a billionaire tech entrepreneur who gets amnesia after bumping his head and is convinced by a con artist (Silverman) that he's giving her all his money. Also starring Rashida Jones as the orphanage manager.

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"Over Easy" starring John David Washington, Barry Keoghan and Letitia Wright

A hardboiled crime drama involving a failed heist, forty corrupt cops and a conspiracy to kill the mayor. Directed by the Russo Brothers.

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"Over Medium" starring Issa Rae, Jon Heder and Jack Black

Two supernatural skeptics (Seder & Black) confront what they think is a fake medium (Rae) but discover her powers are very, very real. Also starring Nate Fielding as a clueless reporter.

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"Over Hard" starring Alexis Texas, Riley Reid, Stormy Daniels and Lana Rhoades

No specific details about this film other than it's being filmed in the San Fernando Valley.

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"Cage-Free Egg Whites" not starring Nicolas Cage

Despite he and his representatives' persistent efforts, Nicolas Cage is NOT starring in this indie film about egg whites. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins are attached, further frustrating Cage.

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop (*WITH SPECIAL GUEST*)

It's no secret that Hollywood is all out of ideas. Scriptwriters are looking everywhere for some sort of property to turn into a hit movie. The biggest five studios—Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros, Disney and Sony—have now looked to the flavor menu at Wing Stop for inspiration to their next box office hit.

Here are the movie projects that are already in development:

"Garlic Parmesan" by DreamWorks Animation

A grouchy sprig of Garlic (voiced by Ryan Gosling) trapped in a pizzeria learns the value of teamwork and community as he meets Pepperoni (Katt Williams), Mozzarella (Kristen Wiig), Mushrooms (Kevin Hart and Peter Dinklage) and the oftentimes unwelcome Pineapple (Dane Cook).

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"Mild" starring Alexandra Daddario, Anthony Mackie and Jesse Plemons

The spicy food craze comes to a halt when two food scientists (Daddario and Mackie) accidentally create an addictive new mild spice to add to everything from salads to short ribs. Plemons stars as the FDA agent hellbent on stopping them. A hilarious romp but also an important think-piece about addiction and responsible sourcing. Directed by Adam McKay

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"Mango Habanero" starring Diego Luna, Benjamin Bratt and Jamie Foxx

A high-stakes prisoner race across the Southwest U.S. where the winner earns their freedom and the losers get executed. Set in the NEAR FUTURE. Also starring Kate Mara as the evil warden.

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The following entry was guest written by ANDREW GALL:

"Louisiana Rub"

The "Louisiana Rub” is the story of local barkeep Marcus Reed (Daniel Kaluuya) and jazz singer Elise DuBois (Zoe Saldana), whose fiery performances at the jazz club are as spicy as the city’s cuisine. As passions and secrets blend, the two must navigate through personal and professional conflicts. Directed by Ava DuVernay.

Some Hollywood Superhero Movies Based On The Names of Glitter Tattoos

Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, and the only game in town anymore are comic book superhero movies. Desperate for any type of inroad to this booming genre, the major studios have bought the rights to convert the names of glitter tattoos being sold at a kids' bouncy castle place in Edison, NJ for 2017/2018 superhero movie releases. Here are the scripts being worked on right now: 

"Dinosaur T-Rex" starring Andy Samberg, Jay Baruchel and Elizabeth Banks. Three amateur paleontologists dumbly inject themselves with dinosaur DNA to become the short armed, violently ravenous Dinosaur T-Rex Crew! Special visual effects by Digital Domain and somebody's iPhone.

"Dancing Dolphins" starring Chloe Sevigny, Sarah Polley and Chloë Grace Moritz. Three friends vacationing in Aruba encounter a fallen meteor which bestows otherworldly DOLPHIN POWERS to the trio! Soundtrack by Paramore and that "Call Me Maybe" chick.

"Bat" starring Denis Leary and Robin Wright Penn. A film noir take on the Batman myth, the worlds' most untrustworthy detective (Leary) takes on the case for a beautiful heiress (Wright Penn) who happens to also be a jewel thief. 

"Dancing Fairy" starring Jim Carrey, Melanie Griffith and that kid from "Stranger Things" with no teeth. A wish from a birthday cake transforms an unexpecting Dad (Carrey) into a dancing fairy who fights crime while making rude gestures with his rear end. Rated R for male nudity and female dialogue.

"Turtle Swirl" starring Shailene Woodley, Jon Voight and Dwayne Johnson. A promising marine biologist is kidnapped by an evil nuclear physicist who transforms her into Turtle Swirl, whose powers include going slow, swirling, and having difficulty getting out of a bathtub.

"Twin Seahorse" starring Fergie and Patricia Arquette. Fergie and Patricia Arquette play twins (with special effects help from WETA Studios) who die in a car accident but come back as superpowered seahorses. Expect lots of product placement by Yankee Candle, Clorox 2, and Duraflame!

What? MORE Movies Based On My Wife's Ringtones? Not Cool, Hollywood. Not Cool.

Explanatory sentence describing Hollywood and their lack of original scripts blah blah blah. 

"Silent"
starring Teller
No plot summary available.

"Birdsong By The Lake"
starring Zac Efron, Kristen Bell, Amanda Seyfried and One Direction's Harry Styles
This uplifting young adult drama captures an unforgettable summer by the lake, following the story of four friends who find love in the most unlikely of places, under a rotting canoe.

"Blowing Dandelion Seeds"
starring Peter Dinklage and Faith Ford
A corrupt senator (Dinklage) tries to hide his crimes by blackmailing the investigative reporter (Ford) on his trail. A web of intrigue and a clash of wills turn into a deadly battle involving a drug cartel, the Russian mafia, and hookers. Kat Williams plays the pimp "Dandelion Seeds."

"Bugs' Story"
This crappy low budget Pixar ripoff stars the voices of Woody Allen, Sharon Stone and Sylvester Stallone as... oh wait. They already made "Antz."

"Desert Sunrise"
Sigh. Once again Richard Linklater directs Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy as star-crossed lovers who make a strong connection and flirt for two hours. But this time it's in a desert. Soundtrack by Smashmouth and Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn.

"Drifting Downstream"
starring Richard Crenna, Roy Scheider, Rue McLanahan and Brittany Murphy
This charming, lighthearted comedy about suburban life is sure to delight all audiences, except for the fact that all the actors listed to star in it are dead.

"Eagle's Call"
starring Gerard Butler, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Ken Jeong
A CIA operative (Butler) joins forces with a Black Ops specialist (Johnson) to find a nuclear device stolen by an unnamed Supreme Leader of North Korea (Jeong). Also starring Sam Elliott as Captain Dash.

"Fairy Fountain"
featuring the voices of Amy Schumer, Howard Stern, Jim Norton, and Lisa Lampanelli.
Fuck fuck shit cock pussy shit cunt tits fuck fuck pisser shot fuckers fuck asshole shit cunt dick twat fucker cum fucker shit shit fuckers.

Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On A Sake Menu

If you haven't already read in this blog by now, Hollywood is plum out of original ideas for movies. In desperation, they've often turned to many unlikely sources of inspiration.

This week, E! Networks reported that the major studios have pillaged the chalkboard sake menu of an unnamed Asian eatery in Midtown, New York City.

"Perfect Snow"
starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emily Blunt
A winter romance set in the idyllic Northeast. Gordon-Levitt plays a terminally ill toll collector who falls in love with a trucker (Blunt) who refuses to pay the $1.50 to cross a bridge to Maine. Cinematography by the guy who shot "Walk of the Penguins."

"Takara Sierra: Chill and Light"
starring Eric Stoltz and John C. Reilly
Part buddy road film, part Wes Anderson wank-fest, this film follows the travels of two full-grown trust fund kids trying to "find their way" by biking through the backroads of rural Japan while hiding from evil Japanese assassins/marketers.

"Kinsen"
starring Haywood Nelson, directed by Quentin Tarantino
Kinsen (Nelson from "What's Happening" fame) stumbles upon a huge box full of deeds to properties all around his hometown and becomes southern Cleveland's newest real estate mogul. Believe me, it's a lot cooler than it sounds. Soundtrack includes tracks by ELO, Jade Warrior, Nena, and Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels.

"Tokubutse"
featuring the voices of Jeff Daniels, Edward Furlong, Candace Swanepoel, Jeremy Irons, and Miley Cyrus
This charming cell-animated fantasy from Studio Ghibli (Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro) follows the story of a princely weevil Tokubutse (Furlong) looking for his lost parents (Daniels, Swanepoel  and encounters some overly hygienic woodland animals (Cyrus, Irons) who want to exterminate him because of his appearance.

"Born Gold"
starring Kristen Schaal and Michael J. Fox
Two likable con artists (Schaal and Fox) cheat millions of dollars out of the bank accounts of unsuspecting marks. Those dumb suckers!

"Junmai Daiginjo"
starring Bokeem Woodbine, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Djimon Honsou, and Idris Elba
Four guys sit around watching TV and order a pizza.

"Hot House"
starring Charlize Theron, Emily Ratajkowski, and Jennifer Lawrence
Three sexy gardeners sweat it out in the company greenhouse while their prudish, cranky boss (Carrie Fisher) curses them out for wearing such skimpy outfits. The nerve!

Some Hollywood Movies Based On the Names of Racehorses in the Kingston Stakes

Hollywood is out of ideas. And the major studios are looking everywhere for source material for their next movie. Luckily, they found inspiration in the Kingston Stakes scoreboard and have announced movies that they have greenlit for the fall based on racehorses' names.

Here are the movies already in development:

"Lamb Cop" starring Jason Bateman and Jon Heder

A young cop from the city (Bateman) moves to a small town and deputizes a former freak show performer who is half man/half lamb (Heder). Together they solve a series of carnival-related murders and crimes. Executive produced by Tim Burton

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"STIPULATE" starring Alexander Skarsgård and Amandla Stenberg

This stalker horror movie pits a young lawyer (Stenberg) against a psycho client (Skarsgård) who wants her to take his murder case. Also starring Jean Smart and Stephen McKinley Henderson as the senior partners who insist she take the case.

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"Athenian Idol" starring Faizon Love, Simu Liu and Elias Koteas

A singing competition filming in Greece turns deadly when terrorists take over the arena. It is up to the show's three judges to find a way to take out the bad guys. Also starring Monique Lattimore as the harried producer.

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"I'm Driven" starring Carey Mulligan, Daniel Kaluuya, and Adam Driver

This spoof of racing dramas like Ferrari and Ford & Ferrari features three rival Grand Prix drivers who will lie, cheat and steal to win this year's race. Who will be the most ruthless to claim the trophy?

Feature Films To Be Released Based on Characters On the Side of a Burger King Bag

Now creatively bankrupt for years, Hollywood continues to scrape every corner of the globe for some idea, any idea to build a movie off of. Here are the latest movie pitches based on the side of a BK bag that the movie studios are scrapping over:

"Hamburger" starring Rebel Wilson.

Attitude, hold the pickle! Rebel Wilson bursts with flavor in this ribald comedy about two rival burger joints that will do ANYTHING to serve up her spicy brand of sass. Also starring Danny Pudi as the branch manager.

"Fries" starring Alyson Hannigan, Keke Palmer, Bobby Moynihan, David Boreanz, Ben Schwartz, Anthony Anderson, and Kat Dennings. This wacky group of 7 play ONE character in Fries, the eccentric, goofy and sometimes a little clumsy wild card. Catch all the pop culture references that your kids won't when you watch this hilarious 3-hour comedy romp!

"King Jr" starring Daniel Kaluuya

(Due to a terrible mixup that exposes the lazy, racial bias in Hollywood, this movie was mistakenly marketed as a Martin Luther King, Jr. biography when in fact it was written as a wacky animated crown that likes to have fun and do things their way. We apologize.)

"Apple" starring Meg Ryan

Breaking out for a comeback after three years out of the spotlight, Meg Ryan plays a cutie pie apple with the help of pounds of prosthetics and talented director Edgar Wright. Is it a vehicle for Ryan's trip to Oscar? Can Meg Ryan make you cry as an apple? Catch "Apple" in theaters in November to find out!

"Drink" starring Kellie Marie Tran

Plot details of this one are under wraps, but TMZ and some fan blogs have speculated that Kellie Marie Tran gender bends the role as Drink and puts her own twist on the beloved, barely introduced character! Thanks to motion capture and the talents of DreamWorks Animation, Drink will fill your heart (and bladder) with joy! Rated R for explicit language.

"Nugget" starring Brendan Fraser.

Brendan Fraser is no stranger to playing the dimwitted but lovable goofball, and this role is right up his alley! Nugget takes a journey out of Burger King, back to the chicken farm he was from to find his mother. Little does the dullard realize that he's been extruded from her butchered, liquefied parts and she is long dead. Amazing!

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On Black Hair Products at Walgreens

It's common knowledge that Hollywood is plum out of ideas. Desperate for the next screenplay, top studios have sent screenwriters to all corners of American culture to scoop up the next movie release idea. The following films have recently been greenlit, all based on the black hair section in your local Walgreens:

"Creme of Nature" starring Donald Glover, Letitia Wright and Dave Faustino

A young veterinarian (Glover) discovers a way to extract milk from any animal, regardless of species or gender. His sister (Wright) warns him against starting his own dairy business, right before he gets a visit from Father Nature (Faustino). Rated R for lots of bad CG.

"Olive Miracle" starring Meryl Streep, Hailee Steinfeld and Lupita Nyong'o

A mother and daughter travel to a rustic olive farm in Calabria, Italy and learn the ways of growing extra virgin olive oil under the guidance of an expert (Nyong'o). Lifetime friendships are made. 

"HAIR MAYONNAISE" starring Ben Stiller, Hannibal Buress and Cecily Strong

A freak factory mishap causes a worker's (Stiller) hair to turn permanently to mayonaisse. He and his friends (Buress & Strong) try desperately to find a cure but end up creating a major social media presence instead.

"Moco de Gorila" featuring the voices of Greta Thunberg, Godfrey, and Tila Tequila

This animated adventure tells the story of a punk rock gorilla who found his way from the jungle to the legendary punk rock Bowery Ballroom with the PUNK message to care for the earth and stop being a non-green douche. Animation by Laika Studios.

"Sportin' Waves" starring Zazie Beetz, Angela Bassett and Jenna Fischer

A California surfer (Beetz) befriends some ATF operatives (Basset & Fischer) in her beach town and signs up to fight the non-local drug cartel moving in. Also starring Ving Rhames as "Skippy".

"Frizz Buster" starring Angela Kinsey, Laurence Fishburne, Hugh Bonneville and Willem Dafoe

A black hair care company is under attack! Its president (Fishburne) deputizes his staff to use experimental weaponry that he collected to kick some frizz ass, which captures the attention of a suspicious CIA agent (Dafoe).

Some Hollywood Movies Based On A Pediatric Nurse's Scrubs

Hollywood is plumb out of ideas, so studios have turned to their next obvious resource for scripts was the scrubs of a pediatric nurse in Summit, NJ. Here now are some films currently in development:

"PALS" starring Joaquin Phoenix and Martin Lawrence

Two goofball friends-of-cops (but not cops themselves!) find themselves in a wacky citywide mystery when their cop roommates wind up dead at City Hall. Featuring Brent Spiner as the mayor.

"Me & You"

From the writers of "This Is Us", this romantic drama stars the kid from "Ready Player One" and that model chick from "Suicide Squad" who always looks pissed. Also starring Kristen Stewart as the perky older sister.

"Side-Kick"

Fan favorites Tonto and Robin come out from their partners' shadows to fight crime THEIR WAY! Starring Adam Beach as Tonto and Danny Pudi as Robin. Also featuring Jean Smart as Darkseid.

"U Me & Us"

From the writers of "This Is Us", this romantic drama stars Eva Longoria, Teri Hatcher, Nicollette Sheridan and Marcia Cross. THIS IS NOT A DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES REUNION.

"DAWG!" starring Randy Jackson

This loosely-based-on-reality film follows American Idol judge Randy Jackson as he discovers a world of things that are going to be a "no" for him. Directed by Spike Jonze.

"BFF" starring Jacob Tremblay, Mackenzie Foy and Caleb McLaughlin

Nostalgia time! This 80s childhood comedy-drama-coming of age story follows three friends who share a watering hole during their last summer together. Featuring the music of Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Howard Jones and Oingo Boingo. It directs itself.

The EADJ Pun Sheriff Is In Town.

(cue Ennio Morricone music)

Round these parts, there's no sense of right or wrong. People feel they can let their wordplays and turns of phrase run wild. And because of that, nobody wants to be the lawman. Well, that's where I come in. Here, you risk your skin catching punsters and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and make you groan again. If you're honest you're poor your whole life and in the end you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star. But that's the job. I'm the pun sheriff of Butt Gulch.


Now some Hollywood studio tried to put up a poster near the telegraph office with a terrible joke about credit and shopping. I aimed my six shooter at their hand to stop them but hit their ankle. Looked like it hurt real bad.


Now, some different Hollywood types were doing the same thing over by the blacksmith, 'cept it was a movie about dogs. And the pun was worse. I aimed for their wrist but shot them in the neck.


Some fleabag newspaper in New York had a pretty awful pun in its headline (someone told me "BK" is often short for Brooklyn). That itself wasn't the problem...


...it's just that they ran it TWICE in the same publication. I aimed for their feet to drive them out of Dodge, but I hit them in the belly. That's a terrible place to get shot.


Mabel over at the dry goods store called my attention to a catalog that someone had left out front. Pretty standard, terrible stuff in it. But when I looked closer, I read one of the worst puns of my career as a lawman:


I rounded up a posse real quick and we rode out to Favorites Catalog Ranch. There we burned down the house and barn, raped the livestock, and I shot the owner in the thigh, though I was aimin' for his heart that time. Maybe I should start drinking whiskey again to stop my hands from shakin' so much...

Hollywood Is Getting Desperate.

Anyone who's seen the trailer for the upcoming "Battleship" movie can tell that Hollywood is seriously running out of ideas when they're greenlighting entire films based on board games. After mining every old TV series, comic book, toy, cereal, video game, and theme park ride for movie ideas, it comes as no surprise that movie studios have now turned to the next hot property for movie rights: the coffee flavors in my office's break room.


Here's a sampling of what's coming to theatres:


"Jet Fuel"
Climb aboard this comedic 3D romp as three dumb astronauts (Jim Carrey, Kevin James and Rob Schneider) blast off to become Saturn's first inhabitants. Also starring Michael Clarke Duncan as NASA's embarrassed administrator and Antonio Banderas and Michelle Rodriguez as the "Coffee People." Rated PG-13 for lewd humor, sexual situations and poop and fart jokes.


"Dark Magic"
Scott Caan, Christian Slater, Kevin Dillon, Taylor Lautner and Colin Farrell play a tough young street gang who meet a wise old magician (Anthony Hopkins) and learn the ways of black magic to beat all of their rival gangs. It's "The Lost Boys" meets "The Outsiders" meets "West Side Story" in this deep, dark, spellbinding adventure. Also starring Minka Kelly because she's pretty. Rated PG-13 for violence that's not gory but something you wouldn't want your kids to try on each other.


"Kenyan AA"
Djimon Hounsou portrays a troubled cab driver in Nairobi who tries to overcome his alcoholism, thanks to the big heart of a visiting businessman (Stellan Skarsgård) in this inspirational story of triumph and the human spirit "with a sparkling finish." Special appearance by President Barack Obama. Rated PG for language and some drug and cigarette use.


"Sumatran Reserve"
Martha (Patricia Clarkson), a biochemist, travels to the deep jungles of Southeast Asia to find a cure for lupus. Her scrappy, uncultured tour guide Jambi (Danny Pudi) proves to both try her patience and stimulate her loins... Rated R for ribald comedy and sexual situations involving a yak.


"Kenya Kilimandjaro," a.k.a. "Can Ya Kill A Man, Jaro?"
Jaro Muthermunn (Jason Statham), one of the world's deadliest big game hunters, returns from self-imposed exile after his mentor, Corsé (Sylvester Stallone) is captured at the base of Mount Kilimandjaro. Jaro reassembles his former team of skilled huntsmen to launch a rescue mission, and also to destroy the nearby drug farm, run by the evil Dark Roast (Terry Crews). Rated R for graphic violence and Jason Statham.

Some MORE Moves Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

Following Friday's entry, I thought Hollywood was done mining my wife's phone for new feature film ideas. I was wrong. My wife happened to scroll down and show more possible movie properties. Here are the latest treatments now being optioned at major studios:

"Fog On The Water"

starring Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba

The two Jessicas star in this throwback horror B-movie that's shot on more expensive film as two campers who inexplicably want to spend the night on a creepy, remote lake. Spoiler: no nips. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

"Gentle Spring Rain"

starring Tommy Lee Jones, Helen Mirren, and Judi Dench

Three stranded travelers cross paths and change each others' lives in this heartwarming story set in Heath Row Airport. A lot of the action takes place in a Sbarro for some reason. Maybe Tommy Lee like calzones...

"Heartbeat Of The Wild"

starring Eva Green and James McAvoy

This Nicholas Sparks-inspired love story depicts what happens when a sexy conservationist (Green) goes au naturel and shows a condo developer (McAvoy) her secret unpruned garden. NSFW

"High Tide"

starring Nicolas Cage, Ving Rhames and Bokeem Woodbine

A terrorist cell tries to take over a drilling rig in the remote Atlantic at the same time a typhoon strikes. It is up to three oil drillers to kick ass, take cover, and secure the well before the volcano erupts. Wait, there's a volcano, too? Damn. Directed by Michael Bay.

"The Journey Begins"

starring the voices of Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Steve Buscemi, Kate Beckinsale, Nick Nolte, Jon Hamm, Will Ferrell, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Tom Cruise, Cher, Chris O' Donnell, Alice Eve, Reese Witherspoon, Drake, Chris Hemsworth, Rick Rockwell, Sam Rockwell, Courtney Love, Johnny Depp, Arman Hammer, Jennifer Lawrence, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Deniro and Dennis Haysbert.

Dreamworks releases their latest star-studded animation spectacular full of lovable animals, pop cultural references that only parents will get, and zero fucking story.

"Jungle Drums"

starring Justin Long and Jay Baruchel

Two losers stumble their way into a native village that has somehow stayed untouched for centuries in the middle of Wisconsin. This madcap romp follows their misadventures trying to fit in and woo the pretty maidens, played by Amber Heard and Teresa Palmer. The "nipple piercing initiation rite" scene alone is worth the price of admission, isn't it? No?

"Jungle Trek"

starring Ving Rhames, Bokeem Woodbine and Nicolas Cage

Hollywood tries harder this time to cater to black audiences. This all-black version of Star Trek follows a black Enterprise ship as it seeks new black life, new black civilizations, and boldly go where no black man has gone before. Nicolas Cage plays Geordi.

"Midnight Picnic"

starring Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy, determined to enjoy a picnic in a public park at night, takes on a mean park ranger (played by Ty Burrell) and instead uncovers a burglary ring (led by Danny Trejo) in progress. Will she convince the park ranger of the burglars or can she stop them on her own? Rated NC-17 for foul, foul, foul language.