Upcoming Movies Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

In their constant search for original, unmined material to base terrible feature films on, a desperate Hollywood has previously turned to break room coffee flavors and seed names to get movie ideas. It was announced early today that Hollywood's biggest studios would be inspired by the new-agey titles of my wife's new Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) phone's ringtones.

"Mountain Temple"

starring Jim Caviezel, Jackie Chan and Judge Reinhold

Jim Caviezel stars as a lost tourist in the Himalayan Valley of Zanskar who meets a wise but mysterious guru (Chan) who teaches him how to kick and elbow punch his way into being more assertive at work. Judge Reinhold stars as the dickish boss who doesn't even see it coming.

"Nighttime Oasis"

starring Rachel Bilson and Chris Evans

This erotic NC-17 movie is a throwback to the sexy psychological thrillers of the 90's. That's all I know. Just hoping Bilson's nips get some screen time in this one. Directed by Adrian Lyne, of course.

"Over The Horizon"

starring Kristin Scott Thomas, Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh

This very British-feeling movie follows the events of a 17th Century Duke (Branagh) and the trouble he discovers when his gardener's wheelbarrow loses a handle. Will the flowers in the East Garden be pruned in time for that evening's Spring Ball, hosted by the Duchess Kivortny (Thomas)? No.

"Rain Drops"

starring Chris Brown

Not a full-length feature film as much as a feature-length music video. Chris Brown sings and dances his heart out in a spectacular choreographed live show entirely in the rain that's reminiscent of Woodstock, Singin' In The Rain, and Honey. Also, Chris Brown is unrepentant in the vicious beating of his girlfriend Rihanna, who he recently split up with because he was cheating on her with a waitress. Directed by Alan Smithee

"Rays Of The Sun"

starring Nicole Kidman, Tila Tequila and Dustin Diamond

This WWII coming of age epic stars Dustin Diamond who is harshly scolded by his mother (Kidman) for giving a Japanese woman (Tequila) at the Manzanar relocation camp a Dirty Sanchez.

"Sea Breeze"

starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

McConaughey and Hudson go at it again with their hit-making chemistry! This time, they're rival boat captains fighting over docking rights in the Virgin Islands. If you feel like you've seen this movie before, that's because most of the B-roll shots are from "Fool's Gold" and "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days." Sea Breeze!

"Seaside"

This is just a cut down edit of "Sea Breeze" for cross country flights. United Airlines only.

"The Secret Forest"

starring Thomas Horn, Elle Fanning and Chloë Grace Moretz

This CG animated romp in an enchanted glen in a forest features a lot of 3D special effects that depict wonder, amazement and lots of flying shit. I dunno, butterflies? Sure. Whatever. Plus some deer and an owl and some fucking fairies. Sure. All characters voiced by Burt Reynolds.