Following Friday's entry, I thought Hollywood was done mining my wife's phone for new feature film ideas. I was wrong. My wife happened to scroll down and show more possible movie properties. Here are the latest treatments now being optioned at major studios:
"Fog On The Water"
starring Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba
The two Jessicas star in this throwback horror B-movie that's shot on more expensive film as two campers who inexplicably want to spend the night on a creepy, remote lake. Spoiler: no nips. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.
"Gentle Spring Rain"
starring Tommy Lee Jones, Helen Mirren, and Judi Dench
Three stranded travelers cross paths and change each others' lives in this heartwarming story set in Heath Row Airport. A lot of the action takes place in a Sbarro for some reason. Maybe Tommy Lee like calzones...
"Heartbeat Of The Wild"
starring Eva Green and James McAvoy
This Nicholas Sparks-inspired love story depicts what happens when a sexy conservationist (Green) goes au naturel and shows a condo developer (McAvoy) her secret unpruned garden. NSFW
"High Tide"
starring Nicolas Cage, Ving Rhames and Bokeem Woodbine
A terrorist cell tries to take over a drilling rig in the remote Atlantic at the same time a typhoon strikes. It is up to three oil drillers to kick ass, take cover, and secure the well before the volcano erupts. Wait, there's a volcano, too? Damn. Directed by Michael Bay.
"The Journey Begins"
starring the voices of Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Steve Buscemi, Kate Beckinsale, Nick Nolte, Jon Hamm, Will Ferrell, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Tom Cruise, Cher, Chris O' Donnell, Alice Eve, Reese Witherspoon, Drake, Chris Hemsworth, Rick Rockwell, Sam Rockwell, Courtney Love, Johnny Depp, Arman Hammer, Jennifer Lawrence, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Deniro and Dennis Haysbert.
Dreamworks releases their latest star-studded animation spectacular full of lovable animals, pop cultural references that only parents will get, and zero fucking story.
"Jungle Drums"
starring Justin Long and Jay Baruchel
Two losers stumble their way into a native village that has somehow stayed untouched for centuries in the middle of Wisconsin. This madcap romp follows their misadventures trying to fit in and woo the pretty maidens, played by Amber Heard and Teresa Palmer. The "nipple piercing initiation rite" scene alone is worth the price of admission, isn't it? No?
"Jungle Trek"
starring Ving Rhames, Bokeem Woodbine and Nicolas Cage
Hollywood tries harder this time to cater to black audiences. This all-black version of Star Trek follows a black Enterprise ship as it seeks new black life, new black civilizations, and boldly go where no black man has gone before. Nicolas Cage plays Geordi.
"Midnight Picnic"
starring Melissa McCarthy
Melissa McCarthy, determined to enjoy a picnic in a public park at night, takes on a mean park ranger (played by Ty Burrell) and instead uncovers a burglary ring (led by Danny Trejo) in progress. Will she convince the park ranger of the burglars or can she stop them on her own? Rated NC-17 for foul, foul, foul language.
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