The Amazing "Lazaretto" Ultra LP

On June 6, Jack White & Third Man Records unveiled the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP, which is a vinyl record with a ton of amazing innovations:

• 180 gram vinyl
• 2 vinyl-only hidden tracks hidden beneath the center labels
• 1 hidden track plays at 78 RPM, one plays at 45 RPM, making this a 3-speed record
• Side A plays from the outside in
• Dual-groove technology: plays an electric or acoustic intro for “Just One Drink” depending on where needle is dropped. The grooves meet for the body of the song.
• Matte finish on Side B, giving the appearance of an un-played 78 RPM record
• Both sides end with locked grooves
• Vinyl pressed in seldom-used "flat-edged" format
• Dead wax area on Side A contains a hand-etched hologram by Tristan Duke of Infinity Light Science, the first of its kind on a vinyl record
• Absolutely zero compression used during recording, mixing and mastering
• Different running order from the CD/digital version
• LP utilizes some mixes different from those used on CD and digital version

Video here:


And a mere 5 days after the release, even more secrets of the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP have been discovered/announced:

• Listeners have reported that playing the track "Temporary Ground" makes all dogs who hear it ejaculate
• The record has "anti-scratch" technology, meaning that any DJ who tries to scratch it on their turntable breaks out in hives and terrorizing visions
• Record sleeve doubles as a taco shell
• Cover artwork is printed with special narcotic ink that can be distilled and shot directly into one's veins
• A separate LP can be purchased featuring the drum track recorded by Meg White and is surprisingly more listenable
• Can be hung from the ceiling as a beautiful but ineffective dreamcatcher
• Is 4" wider than a regular LP, forcing you to buy a new bookcase, goddammit all
• Actual pieces of wreckage from the RMS Lusitania are embedded inside each vinyl record. Collect all 400,000 copies of "Lazaretto" to rebuild the legendary ship yourself!
• Playing the album 100 times will summon Jack White to your house, where he'll brag and say douchey things about other musicians before doing a live set in your living room, caterwauling and pretending that he invented the blues.

UAG

To The Male Employee At The Place Where I Work Who's Too Lazy To Take The Elevator Down To The Lobby To Go Outside And Have Your Stupid Cigarette:

1) You're stinking up the men's bathroom with your cigarette.

2) You're a filthy asshole.

3) You're not fooling anybody.

UAG

So true.

An Open Letter To "That Guy" On the Subway

Dude,

What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you SO tired from shopping at the M&M Store that you just have to lean your whole body on the pole? Now the rest of us standing on the train have to "surf" when the train moves or have to put our hands against the ceiling like goddam Spider-Man because your indolent ass thinks you found a "seat."

And as if that pole isn't dirty enough, you have to fit it between your butt cheeks, too? Some midget's hands are going to smell like your asshole now. Think about that.

Fuck your mother!

EADJ

Well, Gee.

(pictured above, proof that someone at work is lying on their timesheets)

A Note the Wife Left

Step 1: Get a slip of paper
Step 2: Find a pen
Step 3: Write a note
Step 4: Crack open the dishwasher door
Step 5: Put pen back

OR

Step 1: Empty the goddamn dishwasher



Here's one that John Reid left: