More Failed Crowdfund Projects

The following projects on Kickstarter recently failed to collect enough crowdfund money:

• an email bot that answers all your spam emails asking to learn more

• environmentally UNfriendly toilet paper made from styrofoam and pre-consumer materials

• a remote control that can summon "In Between" actor Kyle Allen

• a bird feeder that whispers your bank's ABA number to them

• plant-based leather assless chaps for your mother

• collaborative software that also bakes ziti

• a coin purse shaped like a turd. Wait, someone made that already?

• off-brand Sprite that isn't named Sprite for obvious reasons

• a fleshlight that gets clingy after you're done

UAG

It's Me. Hi, I'm The Pathmark, It's Me

Say Goodbye To Some Stuff!

Bye-bye! Goodbye! Buh-bye! Buh-bye! Bye!

 

5 Surprises From The Hallmark Channel 'Fall-In-Love' Movie "Pumpkin Everything"

1) The fat guy with the beard wearing red was NOT Santa Claus in disguise

2) The male lead had an pumpkin-orange dong

3) The phrase "Pumpkin Everything" was a euphemism for sexual intercourse with every orifice

4) Everybody dies in the end, like in Hamlet

5) It's hard to tell but almost every actor in this production was actually a Target mannequin wearing a sweater

They Rhyme

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the light colored Border Terrier 

Me: the mixed Boxer with the WWE harness

Wassup. You had the zoomies so we didn't get to talk, but you seemed pretty cool and maybe would be down for smoking weed with me sometime?

You: the aggressive Basset Hound 

Me: the Lhasa Apso  

You were extremely rude to everyone with your chew toy, not sharing it and generally being an ass. Who do you think you are? And who even brings their own toy to a dog park? Dick.

You: the Borzoi named Dixon

Me: the hung Beagle

You sniffed my penis. I smelled your butthole. Call me?

This Week in "Chicago Whatever"

NBC continues to triple down on their public servant drama shows. Here are storylines for the "Chicago" shows this week:

Chicago P.D.

Chancellor Hardwick discovers what looks like a sewer system treasure map. Karla reveals to Connor she knows about the affair. The hot dog eating contest changes venue from Portillos to Weiner's Circle.

Chicago Med

As Chief Surgeon, Sheila announces that latex gloves are mandatory in operating rooms. A prank rivalry on the 4th floor threatens the safety of the neonatal unit. EMT trainer Douglass discovers hentai.

Chicago Fire

Battalion Chief Onutsa gets addicted to Ozempic. Terry's wife gets promoted over him as Fire Inspector. The Moon Patrol arcade machine in the station breaks.

Spotted in Traffic

I liked the plumber better than the movie, to be honest.

Let's Say Goodbye To All The Things Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

EADJ Burning Questions

 I found this ad on Facebook:

So many questions.

• Who the hell Botoxes their asshole? Porn stars? Jeff Bezos?

• If porn stars do it, is it a tax deductible work expense?

• WHY Botox your asshole?

• Is it to remove hemorrhoids?

• Will the natural ridges of your asshole be smoothed out?

• Jesus Christ, do they give a local anaesthetic before they apply the syringe?

• Why is there a white smear behind the donut?

• Is this covered by insurance?

• Is this an outpatient procedure, and are patients allowed to drive home by themselves afterward?

• Why is this in a strip mall next to a check cashing place?

• Do you get to keep your old asshole as a souvenir?

The Ineffectual King in the Royal Match Mobile Game

If you've ever been on YouTube or Facebook lately, you've likely seen ads for Royal Match! A casual puzzle game that features a cartoon king in constant need of rescue.

He's always in danger of drowning or being buried alive or getting sliced by swinging saw blades. My first thought is, He's a king. Where is his security detail? How are they allowing him to always get into these situations? Is this a sexual kink of his?

I mean, it's a twist on the damsel in distress trope, I guess. But it does annoy me to see the supposed monarch of a sovereign nation groveling and begging like a pathetic coward. Have some self respect, your highness!

Previews From This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show is about to begin in Las Vegas next week. Here are some of the highly anticipated releases that electronics enthusiasts are hoping to see:

• a thicker LED screen that resembles an old plasma TV

• the retro Circuit City haunted bouncy castle

• cordless slippers

• A.I. powered Magic 8-Ball that will eventually tell you to kill your neighborhood

• a wifi enabled washing machine that wastes time scrolling on X (formerly Twitter)

• a neon sign powered by ramen noodle spice packets

• wireless electric blanket that only works because it has a Skrillex logo on it

• a very, very, very painful teleporter

• special microwave oven doors that will never accidentally close on your balls. We tried.

Beards And Glowering

Pictured above, Russell Crowe in 2010, 2014, and 2024 rocks his version of Blue Steel

Job Listing

Spotted on a job site: A company is looking for a Senior Creative Director who's also entry level.

 

"I Must Not Fear. Fear is the Pathmarker."

UAG

More Wackadoodle Conspiracy Theories From InfoWars

Alex Jones and his merry band of dipshit conspirators continue to pollute the blogosphere with their unhinged, fact-free conspiracy theories. Here are the latest that they're working on:

• Taylor Swift is secretly including code in her MP3s that include directions to the nearest abortion clinic near you

• The OAN Network has been ordained by God, with the Angel Gabriel taking a position as prime time anchor from 8pm-9pm.

• Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders wears those unflattering gingham dresses to troll elite New York fashion magazines and anyone with good taste

• MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell would like to crash at your place for a few weeks if you could hook him up

• Public libraries are using our tax dollars to become indoctrination centers of liberal learning, liberal life skills training and liberal reading for the enjoyment of it

EADJ: Smecial Dreams Entry

Nice One, Umi Sushi

Spotted on the DoorDash app: A local sushi place picks the absolutely gnarliest, hardest core piece of sushi to feature as their thumbnail. Friggin' sea urchin is only for a select few (including myself).

UMI SUSHI DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU FUTO MAKI CASUALS

"Don't Take Life Too Seriously. You Will Never Get Out of It Pathmark."