5 Surprises From The Hallmark Channel 'Fall-In-Love' Movie "Pumpkin Everything"

1) The fat guy with the beard wearing red was NOT Santa Claus in disguise

2) The male lead had an pumpkin-orange dong

3) The phrase "Pumpkin Everything" was a euphemism for sexual intercourse with every orifice

4) Everybody dies in the end, like in Hamlet

5) It's hard to tell but almost every actor in this production was actually a Target mannequin wearing a sweater

The Consumer Electronics Show 2018: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is coming soon, and it promises to showcase some astonishing and advanced technology for consumers. Here are a few scheduled exhibitors:

• Waffle House will introduce WAPP, the smartphone app that helps you shit your drunken pants at 3am.

• Verizon's Erin McPherson, Head of Content Strategy, Acquisition & Programming will hand out her business cards and will be happy to interview if you're hiring

• Boston Dynamics will release all of their robotic dogs to slaughter and maim the entire showroom audience

• NASA will be selling ironic "Space Force, My Ass" t-shirts

• Kikkoman Soy Sauce will fly special "soy sauce drones" to surgically drop soy sauce wherever someone might need some

• The inventor of the IBM ThinkPad will spend 3 hours trying to set up the projector for a retrospective presentation, with a special tribute to the TrackPoint keyboard nub/pointer

• Apple will have a speaker but will ultimately not reveal anything new. Just like they've been doing for the past 7 years.

• BB-8 will be rolling around the convention floor to annoy everyone and get the Star Wars fan base all riled up again

• A lucky guest will be invited to go backstage to see how puppeteers make all the electronics appear to work