Some New Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership (Coronavirus Update)

Actually, nothing new. The movies are closed. Stay home, idiot.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig,

This one doesn't make much sense, actually.

UAG

In Many Photos, Country Music Recording Artist Luke Bryan Looks Like He Walked Into A Lame Party And Immediately Wants To Leave

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Financial Wipe Out!

• Ozark except it's by Hulu

• Stinkbugs In The Kitchen

• Gossamer Pubes

• QVC Footage Dubbed Over By Jamaican Dudes

• Skank Detective!

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Woodworking: Only Boring To Pussies

• A Long Slideshow Of Just "Before" Weight Loss Photos

• Stupid Shark Tank: Only The Dumbest Ideas Get Funded (aka Shark Tank)

• Waxing That Ass: The Donkey Hair Removal Specialists

• Behind The Scenes at Fox News: How The Lying, Toxic Sausage Gets Made

• "Hulu: Why It's Not As Good A Streaming Service As Netflix." A Documentary By Netflix

A Special Message From South Orange's Walkway To Parking

These are difficult times. The Coronavirus is keeping families home, which not only hurts local businesses, but renders the Walkway To Parking useless. So although we're all staying apart, let's come together in spirit and walk that walkway to parking in our hearts, so that empty, sparsely used pathway can be semi-useful again. And please, think of sitting on that bench, too.

The Worst Possible Things To Say While Playing the ECR4Kids Jumbo Four-To-Score Giant Game 4-In-A-Row Connect Game

Someone close to you has spent $159.99 plus tax plus shipping for the ECR4Kids Jumbo Four-To-Score Giant Game 4-In-A-Row Connect Game and is now enjoying it in the backyard with you and some others. Here now are maybe the worst possible things you could say at the moment:

• "What the fuck is this? I could've built this for you for like, $20"

• "Connect Four is the copyrighted property of Hasbro Corporation. This large version is an unauthorized use, and I will be contacting their lawyers."

• "I think about four of these could fit on my dick."

• "Have any of you seen that documentary Plandemic online? Very eye opening."

• "You're pretty good at this game, Jeff. When you're not DATE RAPING."

• "These look like donuts. But I probably said that because I'm fat. Nobody loves me. Will any of you love me even though I'm a fat piece of shit who can't hold a relationship down?"

• "No, seriously, I could put about five of these on my dick."

UAG

Things To Talk About While Sitting At the Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella

So your parents bought a Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella for the backyard and have invited some people over. You're expected to have lunch or a snack at this thing and worse yet, probably expected to have a conversation with the other kids sitting there. EADJ and Little Tikes have joined together to give you some possible ice breakers and discussion topics:

• Are Capri Suns fruit boxes?

• Paw Patrol is grooming children to accept fascism

• Why do training pants seldom have trains on them?

• Eating your vegetables: A LIBERAL CONSPIRACY

• What foods are there besides pizza?

• Is Caillou a bitch, or is he a TOTAL bitch?

• The dangers of not picking your boogers

• That cloud that looks like a frog never mind

• Why hasn't Trump fired Dr. Fauci yet if he dislikes him so much?

• Can one enjoy Fat Albert and The Brown Horne without the shadow of Bill Cosby's awful legacy?

• Words that rhyme with butt 

Unnecessary Backstories for Mott's Applesauce Pouch Mascots Redd and Seedney

Few things are more riveting than reading the package graphics on your kids' snack food. It was during this activity that I came upon Redd and Seedney on a package of Mott's Applesauce Pouches. Apparently Redd and Seedney are ambassadors for Mott's other delicious pouch offerings, each representing a different SKU. Here now, because we're bored, are some fabricated backstories for each of these delightful new characters:

Redd

Full name: Redd Strawberryman. Born in the 1950s during the Second Communist Scare, he was ironically named by his beatnik parents when he was conceived in a strawberry patch in their commune (an alternate name was McCarthy). To the horror of his parents, Redd devoted his life to ultra-conservative ideals, attending anti-immigrant rallies and boycotting all of Jane Fonda's movies. He is now a fundamentalist preacher and currently resides in Bouckville, NY with his lover Daniel and their adopted children.

Seedney

Born Seedney Opeerahouse in Plano, Texas. Seedney is the accidental offspring of a wild orgy between a raspberry, two blueberries, a strawberry, and Andy Dick. Mott loves to feature Seedney's mixed ethnicity as proof of their dedication to diversity. Seedney loves flea markets, Fortnite, highway medians, and British band The Fixx's 1983 album "Reach The Beach". Seedney is a staunch Flat Earther.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs How To Get Out of a Headlock

Great question....oof. A headlock is a very... (gasp)... powerful submission hol... hold. (Struggles) When your attacker or opponent... ack... initiates an attempt, you must... ohgod... exert maximum effort to escape. First, turn your, uh, head toward your... attacker. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Then turn into your opponent's body... *cough* so your airway is... no... no longer constricted... ACK! Stun your attacker by... no, ouch I can't breathe... using your ha... hand closest to the front of your attacker's body to strike in the gut or ribs with your elbow. Striking your attacker in the gut and... guh... ribs works for both male and female atta... *neck snaps*

The ProofrEADJer: Anti Lockdown Protest Edition

Happy Friday the 13th From Eat A Dick Joel!

May all your dreams come true!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 12, 2020

Twitter is a terrible app that's been responsible for the unraveling of American society, but it's still somehow popular. Many tweeters use hashtags to support whatever it is they're saying and group their dumb thoughts to others' dumb thoughts. But here are a few hashtags that have not been used much. Feel free to use them in your own dumb thoughts:

#bowflex

#gooftroop

#shatmycassock

#nakedtaxauditors

#PELICANJUSTICE

#myarmpitssmelllikesourcreamandonion

#sociallydistancingspeeddatinginthedesert

#freeJohnSayleswaithesnotinprisonohnevermind

#myconspiracytheoriesareprettystupidnowthatithinkaboutit

We Re-Caption Some Falun Gong Exercises

"WASSUP NEW YOOOOOORK?"

"I've got the baby, but where is that closet light?"

"C'mon and dry, roll-on. I'm late for work!"

"♪ My name is Alexander Hamilton ♪"

"Sorry. I don't care if you do know the DJ. I can't let you in without an ID."

"Who twisted me into this position? Some angry short guy, about this high."

But on a rare serious note, Falun Gong practitioners have been persecuted by the Communist Party in China, which sucks. Maybe read about it here.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: March Edition