This Is Racist, Right?

Spotted in Oakland, CA: 

A BLM sign left in a parked car. That's racist, right? Because that assumes people breaking into your car are probably black, right? Or that Black Lives Matter folk are rioters and looters. The sign is like, "Hey I'm one of you. So don't burgle my shit." It certainly isn't a delivery sign for a messenger, delivering Bacon Lettuce & Mozzarella sandwiches (which oddly sounds delicious, now that I mention it). 

And I really doubt this car belongs TO a BLM organizer, letting others know this is where they're supposed to park while they meet at the nearby VFW. Seems odd. No, I'm going back to the idea that this was some supposedly-woke Chad or Karen putting it on their dash so the scary brown people don't break in and raid their Hoobastank CDs.

Like, fuck your precious Mini Cooper, either way.

Unnecessary Backstories for Mott's Applesauce Pouch Mascots Redd and Seedney

Few things are more riveting than reading the package graphics on your kids' snack food. It was during this activity that I came upon Redd and Seedney on a package of Mott's Applesauce Pouches. Apparently Redd and Seedney are ambassadors for Mott's other delicious pouch offerings, each representing a different SKU. Here now, because we're bored, are some fabricated backstories for each of these delightful new characters:

Redd

Full name: Redd Strawberryman. Born in the 1950s during the Second Communist Scare, he was ironically named by his beatnik parents when he was conceived in a strawberry patch in their commune (an alternate name was McCarthy). To the horror of his parents, Redd devoted his life to ultra-conservative ideals, attending anti-immigrant rallies and boycotting all of Jane Fonda's movies. He is now a fundamentalist preacher and currently resides in Bouckville, NY with his lover Daniel and their adopted children.

Seedney

Born Seedney Opeerahouse in Plano, Texas. Seedney is the accidental offspring of a wild orgy between a raspberry, two blueberries, a strawberry, and Andy Dick. Mott loves to feature Seedney's mixed ethnicity as proof of their dedication to diversity. Seedney loves flea markets, Fortnite, highway medians, and British band The Fixx's 1983 album "Reach The Beach". Seedney is a staunch Flat Earther.

It's Finally Here: The EADJ Crappinema Proudly Presents "Route 30," starring Dana Delany and Curtis Armstrong

Almost a full YEAR after we announced that the EADJ Crappinema review of "Route 30" was "coming soon," we finally have a misguided, unfocused write-up of this keen, critically acclaimed film. Well fuck, what have YOU done in a year's time? Asshole.

The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

June: Ned! Ned, sweetie, come on! It'll be fun!

Ned: No, June! And we're out of beer!

June: I have it all set up! We can pretend it's not even in the room!

Ned: What are you talking about?

June: I swear to God, Ned. Stop being such a pussy and get up here so I can suck your cock on the video!

 Ned: Are you retarded?

 June: It's for my business. It's what I want, goddammit.

Ned: I told you, I am not doing that shit on camera, for nobody. And I'm sick of saying it.

June: Well if you're going to get in the way of our future, then I'm just going to have to find someone else to do my videos with.

Ned: What?

Okay, we're going to break format here and reveal an EADJ Crappinema first. In previous entries, we've highlighted some godawful acting performances, snarkily naming them "THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME" (See the "My Boys Are Good Boys" entry). But this time, we have to give kudos to veteran actor Dana Delany for a heartfelt and deeply moving scene where she plays Amish Martha, a young woman dealing with having desires and ambitions in her restrictive life.

Watch this shit:

Overall grade: F