Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Coronavirus

"Oh, that's a great one. And so timely! The disease is actually called COVID-19 and is caused by a coronavirus called SARS-CoV-2. Older adults and people who have severe underlying medical conditions like heart or lung disease or diabetes seem to be at higher risk for developing more serious complications from COVID-19 illness. There are as yet no vaccines or antiviral drugs to prevent or treat human coronavirus infections. I'm glad you asked!"

"Wait, I managed to explain the whole thing without these two thighs interru..." *NECK SNAPS*

Some New Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership (Coronavirus Update 2)

The worldwide pandemic and country-wide quarantines have caused a massive drop in business for movie theaters, including AMC. In order to encourage people to risk infection and patronize their theaters, AMC has granted FREE membership of the Stubs Rewards card to anyone who comes in or even walks by the building. Here are the ADJUSTED free perks that now come with the Stubs membership card:

• Free 2020 Land Rover Discovery or Discovery Sport (you choose the color)

• Free air* *may be infected with coronavirus

• WE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 2.5 HOURS

• Free passes to the next 500 movies oh god please stay

• Contactless back massages

• If you pull your dick out we won't tell. Nobody's here!

• If you are Harvey Weinstein, sorry we can't let you in. We do still have our standards.

• Plastic wrapped straws for safe drinking although the soda machine is filthy

• We promise not to show the movies "Virus", "Outbreak", "Contagion", or "28 Days Later"

• You can run the place from now on. Go ahead. We're outta here!

UAG