Well, Which Is It, Kid?

Friggin future politician over here.

20 Things Cuter Than Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

If you follow entertainment news even slightly, you've heard of the engagement between SNL's Pete Davidson and pop superstar Ariana Grande. And yes, they sure are an adorable couple, but to put things in perspective, here are 20 things that are still actually cuter than those two:

• travel-size computer mice

• daisies with happy faces on them

• this ball boy

• a puppy wearing a diaper with puppies on it

• the smaller Fry Guy from those old McDonald's commercials

• water balloons that weren't filled all the way so they're just the size of a plum

• strip mall post offices

• flip phones now

• any diagram that shows how artesian wells work

• the Sanrio version of Thanos

• paper cups that have a little teacup handle

• babies with huge afros

• any Pac-Man musical interlude

• yogurt raisins

• the tilde

• your heart rate after a nap

• Pyewacket Lane in Waterford, VA

• those Capri-Sun-like wine pouches

• that last part on American Ninja where you have to run up a curved hill

• the fact that you will 100% likely mispronounce the name of any Irish town

The ProofrEADJer: End of May Edition

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies For Your Weak Brain

It's the beginning of the week, and yet the Info Wars staff are already working on next week's ultraconservative horseshit for Alex Jones to push out of his reddening basketball head. Here are some of the stories they're working on:

• Democrats invented death.

• Every time you watch a Proactive infomercial, George Soros gets another teenage sex slave delivered to his all-chocolate water slide/sex dungeon.

• The third Sam Raimi "Spider-Man" movie was made terrible on purpose so that audiences would hate anything that came in third. This eventually saved the nation from a third Obama term.

• Those claw machines you see in arcades actually contain miniaturized immigrants hiding inside the stuffed animals, and every time you win one, you've let another terrorist across the border.

• Conservative talk show hosts with basketball heads sitting on fat necks shouldn't wear ties or tight collars– it makes you look like a fucking water tower or lollipop.

• Atheists everywhere are already planning this year's War on Christmas, poisoning Christmas tree farm crops and intercepting all Elf On A Shelf correspondence to Santa. BE VIGILANT, CHRISTIANS!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Some low octane, low performance comedy today:

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up: The Ultra-Casual Collection

"Lionel, put on your pajama bottoms and slippers. We're going to the bank!"

This woman at the playground just finished a Zumba class and has some Captain in her. 

Yeah, tiger stripes was the way to go. Good job, April.

I mean, the CVS Pharmacy isn't supposed to be Buckingham Palace, but really?

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Jackalope After Dark: The Erotic Adventures

• Throat Stoma

• Outer Mongolia's Got Talent

• Pawn Shop Janitor Wars

• Burning Man: Birthplace of Unique STDs

• Stabby Water Park

• Four Guys Punching Each Others' Dicks

• The Kevin Spacey Vlog

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• The Graham Nash Documentary That Graham Nash Doesn't Want You To See

• Tits in a Cup

• Storage Unit Cleaner Wars

• Halloween ??: We've Lost Count

• Fire Extinguisher Pranks With Newborns

• "Sent: The Outbox Chronicles" starring Matthew Modine

• Two Bitches Complaining During Brunch

• Close Calls: Glancing My Nutsack

• Vintage Fire Drill Films Set To Dubstep

UAG

EADJ Etiquette Center Presents An Etiquette Pop Quiz

POP QUIZ: A person in front of you is finishing up at the soda fountain station and is getting a top and straw for their beverage. You need more ice and Coca Cola for your drink. Do you:

a) squeeze by her and get both

b) get the ice but not the Coke, because it's too close to her

c) WAIT YOU FUCKING TURN AND HOLD YOUR GODDAMNED HORSES FOR MAYBE 20 SECONDS. SHIT, ARE YOU DYING OF THIRST, YOU HORRIBLE, IMPATIENT ANIMAL? TAKE A FRIGGIN' CHILL PILL AND oh, she done now.

Answer: c

"Don't Boo– Pathmark."

Here Are Next Week's Conspiracy Theories, Brought To You By Info Wars And Doomsday® Brand Survival Buckets

Alex Jones's staff of white writers are hard at work concocting elaborate explanations why white people aren't doing so well these days, and Alex himself is doing face exercises and mouth stretches to serve that worthless pablum to you as clearly as possible. Here's what's to come:

• Antonia Banderas has been dead for 10 years, and every time you see him in a recent film, it's a different illegal alien who's just crossed the border into Hollywood.

• Bean sprouts on salads make you gay. And hard crust croutons turn you straight again.

• Most men can hide a ping pong ball in the space between their balls and their dick. You should try it sometime.

• Many straight Disney employees are so desperate for a paycheck, they pretend to enjoy Sam Smith and vegan pizza during Gay Day.

• The Ebola virus is simply the mumps rebranded by a San Francisco public relations firm.

• Loretta Lynch is responsible for male pattern baldness, the disappearance of the world's bees, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, fewer mandrill adoptions, the dotcom bubble, the miseducation of Lauryn Hill, the mispronunciation of the word 'nuclear', and the cancellation of "Baskets."

An Imagined Conversation

"Tom."

"Yeah?"

"About that new sign out front."

"Great, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's fine. Quick question, though."

"Yep?"

"Why the 'Blade Runner' font?"

"Excuse me?"

"When you typeset 'EASTGATE LIQUORS', you picked the font from the titles to the movie 'Blade Runner.'"

"I did?"

"Yeah."

"From the original 1982 film or the 2017 sequel?"

"Either. Both."

"Hm. Didn't mean to."

"Yep. That's what you did."

"Well, shit. That explains all the flying cop cars landing on the roof, then."

UAG

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 14, 2018

Hello all. Grace from HR here. 

The original intent of this email is to notify you all of the new job numbers (see below) that you're supposed to fill out by end of day today so that we can process our billing and we can all get paid.

But the second thing I'd like to discuss with you is the improper language that I've been hearing around the break room and kitchen area. I would urge everyone to stop using the terms "tittyfucking", "dickslapping", "cum dumpster", "blumpkin", "meatspin", "faggotry", "blue waffle", "tubgirl", "queef", "smegma", "sharting", and "no lube ass raping". Also, whoever is posting fake flyers about employee training that direct you to goatse.cx, please stop it.

Here are the job numbers for you animals:

83552: Asking for help with a CapriSun

59925: Getting a case of the giggles

19473: Stinking to high heaven

25825: Asking you about your grandchildren

10023a: Pursing your lips

10023b: Lipping your purse

55725: Applying for a job at Circuit City or Toys Я Us

36332: NOT dropping it like it's hot

85018: Staying friends after the breakup

79123: Renewing your hand modeling contract

60628: Googling how to spell "Matthew McConaughey" YET AGAIN

A Few More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous entries on this subject can be seen here.

For years now, Ariana Grande has presented herself as a dimply, aw-shucks pop songstress that's just as cute as a baby button. But EADJ has a list of 20 things that happen to be cuter than her:

1. Cartoon caterpillars

2. Jane Wiedlin (circa 1989)

3. Otters holding hands while floating

4. A Sanrio version of Snuggles the fabric softener bear

5. Finger sandwiches

6. The Flintstone vitamin of Dino

7. Satin short shorts for American Girl dolls

8. Keith, the host at Olive Garden in San Mateo, California

9. those tiny rubber bands that used to go on people's braces

10. flute solos

11. fat men who can't do somersaults

12. Toffifay

13. Pluto still hanging in there

14. The lowercase letters of the Century Gothic font

15. The tiny island of Tubou in Fiji

16. Minecraft pigs

17. Nightlight bulbs

18. Calling an amputated limb a "boo-boo"

19. Airplane bottles of wine

20. The word "shew"

The ProofrEADJer: May Edition

Let's Check In With Mister Salty

Hey Mister Salty, whatcha up to today?

Uh, okay, Mister Salty. Talk to you later...

Another Preview of Info Wars Conspiracies In The Making

The crack writing crackpots of "Info Wars" are already working on next week's set of Alex Jones fuckbottle rants. (What's a fuckbottle? I'll keep it.) Here now are a few conspiracies you can look forward to supporting and spreading, if you are a dumb, right wing bigot shithead asshole cocksucker:

• Bales of hay left in farm fields contain homing beacon trackers for North Korean paratroopers once they invade in August

• Pesto is actually gay leprechaun semen. Believe me- I know.

• The #MeToo movement is a group of angry Etsy sellers out to destroy all males and turn this country into a fascist knitocracy 

• The Big and Tall Mens Store staffs attractive, nice smelling young men with rippling muscles on purpose so that when they measure your inseam, you cum like a shark

• The board game Connect Four is an unfair, manipulative bullshit of a fucking game and WE DON'T WANT TO PLAY THAT ANYMORE

More Unusable... Er, I Mean Unused And Available Porn Names

Starting out a career in porn since your degree in Communications didn't get you anywhere? Join the club. But first, you gotta get yourself a handle. Here is a bargain basement of available porn names that weren't used simply because they're awful:

Him 

Antonio Brandthatass
Rape Ape
Khaki Stan
Spanky Huntsman
Takashit Onami

Her

Skye Nett
Daleta History
Nicole Tofillup
Tofurkey Enchillada
Wilma Butthurt

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Pathmark, Knees and Pathmark