Alex Jones's staff of white writers are hard at work concocting elaborate explanations why white people aren't doing so well these days, and Alex himself is doing face exercises and mouth stretches to serve that worthless pablum to you as clearly as possible. Here's what's to come:
• Antonia Banderas has been dead for 10 years, and every time you see him in a recent film, it's a different illegal alien who's just crossed the border into Hollywood.
• Bean sprouts on salads make you gay. And hard crust croutons turn you straight again.
• Most men can hide a ping pong ball in the space between their balls and their dick. You should try it sometime.
• Many straight Disney employees are so desperate for a paycheck, they pretend to enjoy Sam Smith and vegan pizza during Gay Day.
• The Ebola virus is simply the mumps rebranded by a San Francisco public relations firm.
• Loretta Lynch is responsible for male pattern baldness, the disappearance of the world's bees, the nation's crumbling infrastructure, fewer mandrill adoptions, the dotcom bubble, the miseducation of Lauryn Hill, the mispronunciation of the word 'nuclear', and the cancellation of "Baskets."
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