Happy Halloween 2024 From Eat A Dick Joel!

Have fun! Don't overeat your candy, and drive carefully, because there are kids in the streets wearing dark colors with their vision impaired by masks with small eyeholes!

The EADJ Pun Police: Concert Security Edition

Yes, this is a big venue. But the size of the crowd shouldn't keep me from doing my job. HEY YOU,  NO GLASS CONTAINERS ON THE GRASS! Let's keep an eye on the troublemakers and make sure the puns aren't too out of line, shall we?

Okay, that's a bit of a groaner. But it's a bold move to make an abortion joke. I'll allow it.

Rum-Ball. Ugh. That's not too good. Gonna have to kick them out next time they act up.

HEY SUBWAY! That's no way to behave in the pit! You're outta here!

I don't know who you are, but "GNAT A PROBLEM" is an awful pun and strictly forbidden at this venue as stated on your ticket, so you're OUT. OUT!

STOP THE SHOW! EVACUATE THE PREMISES! GET THE TALENT OFF THE STAGE! EVERYONE IS IN DANGER HERE! OUT! OUT! OUT! 

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Is that a horn in your pants?"

"Yes."

*shoots foot*

Anthony Hopkins: "Ah, yes... Trust is reciprocal, you see. It goes both ways... That's what the word 'reciprocal' means. I'm required to explain this because some people watching won't know it."

*shoots guy who shot his own foot*

♪ She gets too hungry, for dinner at three

She loves Transformers but not Bumblebee

 Doesn't have Netflix but still has Qui-bi

 That's why the lady is a square ♪

"You just farted. Can I crack a window?"

"Before I can see you, do you have what robo-insurance do you have?"

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" (yelled by old lady)

(in Mid Atlantic accent) "I bet yer one of those fellas that say 'no' to gals all the time. Telling them they can't do this or can't do that. Well, let me tell ya buster, I'm my own woman and don't have to listen to you or any other man or woman or robot or anything that can talk to tell me what I can or can't do. You hear me? I'm going to light and smoke this cigarette right here no matter what anybody tells me!"

"What death salad dressing would you like on your death salad?"

"Oh shoot. I thought you asked me to PRESS THE BREAK. My bad."

"Enough with the cheeky double entendres. LET'S FUCK!"

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies For Your Weak Brain

It's the beginning of the week, and yet the Info Wars staff are already working on next week's ultraconservative horseshit for Alex Jones to push out of his reddening basketball head. Here are some of the stories they're working on:

• Democrats invented death.

• Every time you watch a Proactive infomercial, George Soros gets another teenage sex slave delivered to his all-chocolate water slide/sex dungeon.

• The third Sam Raimi "Spider-Man" movie was made terrible on purpose so that audiences would hate anything that came in third. This eventually saved the nation from a third Obama term.

• Those claw machines you see in arcades actually contain miniaturized immigrants hiding inside the stuffed animals, and every time you win one, you've let another terrorist across the border.

• Conservative talk show hosts with basketball heads sitting on fat necks shouldn't wear ties or tight collars– it makes you look like a fucking water tower or lollipop.

• Atheists everywhere are already planning this year's War on Christmas, poisoning Christmas tree farm crops and intercepting all Elf On A Shelf correspondence to Santa. BE VIGILANT, CHRISTIANS!