Trick Or Pathmark!

Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On A Sake Menu

If you haven't already read in this blog by now, Hollywood is plum out of original ideas for movies. In desperation, they've often turned to many unlikely sources of inspiration.

This week, E! Networks reported that the major studios have pillaged the chalkboard sake menu of an unnamed Asian eatery in Midtown, New York City.

"Perfect Snow"
starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emily Blunt
A winter romance set in the idyllic Northeast. Gordon-Levitt plays a terminally ill toll collector who falls in love with a trucker (Blunt) who refuses to pay the $1.50 to cross a bridge to Maine. Cinematography by the guy who shot "Walk of the Penguins."

"Takara Sierra: Chill and Light"
starring Eric Stoltz and John C. Reilly
Part buddy road film, part Wes Anderson wank-fest, this film follows the travels of two full-grown trust fund kids trying to "find their way" by biking through the backroads of rural Japan while hiding from evil Japanese assassins/marketers.

"Kinsen"
starring Haywood Nelson, directed by Quentin Tarantino
Kinsen (Nelson from "What's Happening" fame) stumbles upon a huge box full of deeds to properties all around his hometown and becomes southern Cleveland's newest real estate mogul. Believe me, it's a lot cooler than it sounds. Soundtrack includes tracks by ELO, Jade Warrior, Nena, and Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels.

"Tokubutse"
featuring the voices of Jeff Daniels, Edward Furlong, Candace Swanepoel, Jeremy Irons, and Miley Cyrus
This charming cell-animated fantasy from Studio Ghibli (Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro) follows the story of a princely weevil Tokubutse (Furlong) looking for his lost parents (Daniels, Swanepoel  and encounters some overly hygienic woodland animals (Cyrus, Irons) who want to exterminate him because of his appearance.

"Born Gold"
starring Kristen Schaal and Michael J. Fox
Two likable con artists (Schaal and Fox) cheat millions of dollars out of the bank accounts of unsuspecting marks. Those dumb suckers!

"Junmai Daiginjo"
starring Bokeem Woodbine, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Djimon Honsou, and Idris Elba
Four guys sit around watching TV and order a pizza.

"Hot House"
starring Charlize Theron, Emily Ratajkowski, and Jennifer Lawrence
Three sexy gardeners sweat it out in the company greenhouse while their prudish, cranky boss (Carrie Fisher) curses them out for wearing such skimpy outfits. The nerve!

UAG

Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California

10/8/1988  AVOID AT ALL COSTS

This is the type of place that will take your money, then turn around and stab you with their steely knives. Girlfriend and I made a reservation and paid for a "romantic suite" but ended up in a single room without windows.When confronted at the front desk the manager rudely yelled at her that we can check out anytime we like. Not ever allowed to leave, however. SEND HELP

DON H.

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9/7/1992  NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED

Got this place because of travelocity.com. Boy, do those pictures lie. This place is a shithole. The whole area stank of sweet summer sweat, especially around the courtyard. The hotel is located next to a mission whose bell won't stop ringing, even after 8pm. The list goes on. We would have done better staying at a Motel 6, but there aren't a lot of alternatives on that Dark Desert Highway. Worst of all, they would not refund our money– we had to complain to travelocity to get a measly $50 voucher. Luckily we found a good price for Holiday Inn Express which was night and day compared to this horrible hotel. I don't know how they stay in business. That manager is a bitch.

GLENN F.

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9/7/2010  DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHIMMERING LIGHTS

I don't know what got into me to give this horrible hotel a try. My head must have been heavy or my sight might have grown dim. Regardless, I had to stop for the night.

Mirrors on the ceiling? Pink champagne on ice? I don't know who this place is geared for, but it's all kind of chintzy and sad.

Was invited to a buffet in the "Master's Chambers." Got creeped out and stayed in my room instead, which was cool because I caught a "Blossom" marathon.

Not having wi-fi is unforgivable in this day and age.

B. SZYMCZYK

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1/1/1969  SWEET, THEY HAVE WINE HERE!

THE CAPTAIN

The ProofrEADJer, Autumnal Indian Corn Edition

HENNY PENNY?!

HENNY PENNY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!???!

ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH, HENNY PENNY??!!! JESUS FUCKING SHIT!!!!

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD WHY HENNY PENNY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Boombox Was Surprised He Was Still Around.

Boombox was surprised he was still around.

Roller kept his mouth shut about it.

Pink Balloon wanted to talk about it with someone.

Toilet Paper Dispenser was going apeshit over it.

(Submitted by Andrew) French Toilet was surprised.

But American Toilet wasn't surprised at all.

UAG

Ugly Andrew Gall = one break every week from writing a real entry.

6 Lies Told By The Ron Kim For New York State Assembly Flyer

1) Ron Kim doesn't actually have a white peach fuzz mustache- that's a crease on the flyer.

2) Governor Andrew Cuomo's entire quote was actually "We need Ron Kim in Albany like we need a snapping turtle in a bidet."

3) Ron Kim has actually never met Betty Crocker.

4) Ron Kim discusses but only pretends to care about procedural cop dramas like "CSI" and "Law and Order" with elderly white people.

5) Ron Kim's administrative assistant Darla doesn't normally use the "suck it" gesture during briefings.

6) Although Ron Kim has secured millions of dollars in funding for our schools and senior centers, he specifically said "To hell with hospitals. Fuck 'em with a rubber dick." (Source: Reuters)

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This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Just think. The only thing keeping you from bathing in fresh, bright green lagoon water is Elephant Man and two women with low self esteem.

 

Never, never hire an amateur electrician.

 

Some hip hop artists actually don't endorse Pro Activ Solution.

 

One thing that can ruin a gangsta vibe is if someone in your crew makes farts that sound like a cat meowing.

 

Lumi sits on her golden throne of sparkling good intentions.

 

"Hey, I bet you I can get my ass kicked in thirty seconds. Watch!"

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP

"Hey bitches over there, I make more money than you. See all my bling? Smell my nuts!"

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP

 

No comment. Fuck Chris Brown.

 

You won't go far at Cold Stone Creamery if you keep losing the sherbet scoop, fellas. Keep looking.

Global warming has been attributed to both the proliferation of greenhouse gases from factories worldwide and from White Dogg's sweaty nutsack.

UAG

From The New Jersey Department of Children and Families

Outdoor Blanket Instructions: An Internal Dialogue

Here's where we caption some stock photography on a tag that came with an outdoor blanket. Exciting stuff.

LARGE POCKET.

From The New Jersey Department of Children and Families

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-October Harvest Edition