The EADJ Fiverr Experiment: A Major Setback

Hey, remember yesterday when we were so excited for someone to guest write a blog entry for us? Well, it's already a bust.

"Report me"?! For what? So not only does this person back out of the deal, she feels like she needs to report me for some reason. Mind you, there was nothing about my original communication that warranted any reporting. My only guess is that she was somehow offended by the name of the blog. Maybe she has a boyfriend or husband named Joel. Maybe she can't handle the challenge of writing an Ugly Andrew Gall from scratch. 

Shoot. Thanks for nothing.

UAG

Ugly Andrew Gall = one break every week from writing a real entry.

Cock, The Finale

So here's what happened with that mysterious roll of film that the previous owner of my New Jersey house had left. It took me a while to find a place that actually develops this obscure type of film, but I should have known all along that B&H Photo was the premier place in New York for all my photo, video, pro audio and digital imaging needs. No, they didn't pay me to say that.


As I was in the cab, I was blissfully imagining all the strange/wonderful/terrifying things that could be on that film:

• A photo that solves the identity of a never-caught murderer

• A secret map that shows where ancient Spanish treasure is buried in Central Park

• Tits

• Proof of life on Mars (hey, it could happen)

• Compromising photos of a prominent New Jersey politician who would pay handsomely for them

• Photos of a topless celebrity murdering a politician with Spanish doubloons on her tits

• Attractive landscape of the New York skyline that I could blow up for cheap instead of buying a poster.

• Serial numbers to a bunch of software, namely the Adoboe Creative Suite 3 and the latest version of Microsoft Office.

• Detailed schematics for building a time machine out of a Toyota Prius


So I got to the place, and a very helpful clerk at the developing counter lay the bad news on me: THE FILM WAS NEVER EXPOSED.

"You see the bottom of this roll?" he explained,"1 means the film was never exposed. 2 means it was partially exposed. 3 means the film was exposed but never developed. And 4 means it's been both exposed and developed."


Well, FUCK me. I had planned to leave another fake name ("Andrew Vince") and everything, but now all this effort- and cab fare- had been spent for shit. No secret recipes. No creepy shots of some girl being stalked. No scat porn. Nuthin'.

So rather than write a summary paragraph winding up this quest, I'll just leave it open and unsatisfying for you, just like I feel right now.

Cock.

I got a call last night around 7:30, and a man with a very thick Indian accent asked for "Scot Wild." Knowing what this was regarding, I answered, "Uh... I'm his friend." He proceeded to tell me that CVS was unable to develop the film that "Scot" had dropped off, and at first I thought it was because it was shots of porno or murder (both predicted by Mel Kreilein). Turns out they don't develop the weirdo Kodak Advantix film because it's too arcane for their equipment. He said I could take the film back tomorrow. Guess I'll have to figure out another place to drop the film off.

Stay tuned for the latest in this developing story. That was a terrible pun. But appropriate. Still, sorry. Fuck you.

LET THE JERALD COUNTDOWN BEGIN!

It's really hard not to get excited about it, but EADJ's lunch with the one and only Jerald Johnson is THIS WEEK! Just 5 days until the greatest event in EADJ (hell, HUMAN) history.


Here at the EADJ offices we are all discussing the repercussions of the historic date. Some have even suggested that we start using a new system for dating our blog entries: BJJ and AJJ. Many writers and correspondents have called their families to tune in on that date to enjoy the photo, video, and written accounts that will be submitted. Our receptionist has even renamed her 7-year old son Jerald. Stay tuned for the latest in this fantastic, utterly exhilarating and historic event! I just came!

Can a Window Display Change Your Life?

I was about to just caption this "A Window Display Found In Brooklyn," but after a second look, I came to realize how utterly genius this seemingly random arrangement of disparate objects this is.

It is essentially a Neo-Dadaist masterpiece, an installation that is not simply an act by the artist alone– the spectator on the sidewalk brings the interpretation of the piece out in to the world by deciphering and interpreting its inner qualifications and thus adds their contribution to the creative act.

But the piece transcends Dadasim, too, thereby rebelling against rebellion. It overlaps into Abstract Expressionism and Pop Art with its use of found objects, corporate logos, innovative combinations and surprise, eschewing the traditional, methodical creation of art.


What is the meaning of the ParaSpa between the legs of the walker, and behind the erotic single stockinged mannequin leg? Is this "A Christmas Story" tribute? Why is there a beanie baby of a dog lying on the seat? Seriously, what the fuck piss is going on there?

Maddening. Brilliant. Erotic. Stultifying. Stink-a-rooni.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Playin' For the Kitty

It is with extreme displeasure that we bring you another installment of the EADJ Crappinema. This time, a sort of Brothers-McMullen-or-Tyler Perry-type ensemble cast movie about relationships. Who knew you could remove the annoying drag queen grandma character and still somehow make it less watchable. Let's begin!


"Playing – sorry, Playin' For the Kitty" is the story of five buddies and the trials and tribulations they face in their romantic relationships. At least that's what it said on the box. In actuality, it's about a bunch of actors delivering average dialogue and flexing for no reason in front of a poorly-lit videocamera. I sense a vague, uncommitted approach to the material from the actors– the same way that a high school Senior would detachedly join the glee club to pad their college application; this movie is strictly a resumé padder.































Some verbatim dialogue at the end of the movie:

Peyton (VO): Well, that brings us back to where we started. Our final game.

Everything worked out. Dewayne and Kayla were good. Keisha and Ty were moving towards commitment. Dre was kicking it with Kim. Jay was being less of a dog and made up with Lance. Chris was still hanging loose. And me, happily married, you could say.

Oh, yeah, the game. Money and the final score? Well, we won.


"We won?" What the fuck kind of answer is that? And I'm not talking about the outcome of the football game, which I could give a fart about (I understand that was some kind of analogy for life) – there was hardly any character arc in any of the individual stories.


Shit like "everything worked out" and "we won" is just a lazy writer's way of saying "I don't want to think about tying all the loose ends and piddly details that I've created, so I'll just cinch it all together at the end, clip it off and say everything worked out." Which is 31 flavors of placenta cockhorse, if you ask me. Cheat!


Booo! You won! Booooo!

At Last– Weeks Later– the Long-Awaited Third and Final Installment of the EADJ Crapcade Review of the Power Games System, Submitted by Lorraine:

"was really fun. I liked it. I want to play again. It was really cool."