Spotted On the Subway

A lady happily eating her ham sandwich, reading Sunday comics and listening to tunes with her mp3 player between her boobs.

Lobsterfest Continues!

It's week two of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and we've still got lots of great ways for you to enjoy the lobster explosion that is Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Check out these latest lobster-related offerings:

• We inject sweet, tangy HGH into every juicy morsel. Then we turn it loose in a crowded college bar, pull up a seat and watch the delicious results! It’s just another great more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Dan C from the Red Lobster in Chicago!)

• We hollow out a coconut, fill it with lobster, and encourage the largest man in the restaurant (based purely on sight) to take the coconut lobster cannonball to his chest. Patrons gather around—the excitement is palpable! We get the two strongest bussers to toss the lobstersphere into the man’s considerable stomach at high speed. If the coconut explodes on impact, the lobster innards are offered on a first come, first serve basis. If not, we slice the coconut open and drink the delicious lobster innards. Either way, it’s dinner and a show. That’s just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Andrew Gall from the Red Lobster in Seattle!)

• We fill three old fashioned milk cans– two with hundred dollar bills, and one with lobster meat. We cover the three cans and shuffle them and ask you to choose one. If you pick the one full of lobster meat, we give a huge sigh of relief that we didn’t go broke that time. It’s another fun way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You die. After traveling through a tunnel, you appear on a serene plane of pure light, surrounded by all your friends and loved ones who have previously passed. Your souls are all connected by one consciousness in a constant stream of peace and harmony. You all dine on delicious crab fritters and lobster rolls. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You sit in a dank room in a cellar at an undisclosed location. We bring out a lobster and strap it to a chair. A man in a welding mask enters and asks the lobster where the stolen tapes are. Despite every denial by the lobster, the man in the welding mask slowly and methodically tortures the lobster to death using a drill, pliers, and a dull knife; it’s also revealed that no “stolen tapes” exist at all. When the entire brutal torture/murder is over, you get your pick of all the delicious lobster meat that’s left! That’s another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send a few employees over to your house to watch the entire DVD set of "The Wire" on your big screen TV. When your wife complains about having company over past the kids' bedtime, one of our employees says something snide about her which you don't entirely catch but are pretty offended by. Later, during the series finale, you finally confront him about what he said, and it turns out he was just muttering the words "Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster." Now that's one great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send you on an unmanned blimp ride. You discover as you ascend that there are no controls in the cabin- just platters of delicious, buttery, steamed lobster. Also in the cabin is a raccoon, which we hadn't planned on, but was attracted to the smell of the food. You enjoy each savory bite of lobster as you and your raccoon companion drift away to unknown heights, wondering if your cell phone will even work this high up. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

An Imagined Conversation.

"What do you call those helicopter things?"
"Helicopter things?"
"Those helicopter seeds."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about those seeds that twirl like helicopters when they fall from trees."
"You mean sycamore seeds?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"Why do you ask?"
"No reason."

Kathy From Yesterday Was Right.

Some of those Sneak Peek possibles might be regular EADJ entries. Like the "Wolfman Decrees" one inspired Matt S to submit a captcha:

Preface this image with "Diagnosed with..."

EADJ Super-Sneak Peek with Kathy

Hello. I'm Kathy, administrator and blogmaster of Eat A Dick Joel. Although I work mainly behind the scenes at this website, maintaining it and doing lots of administrative work (ugh, paperwork!), I am stepping out from "behind the curtain" just this once to tell you about some blog entry ideas that didn't quite make the cut.

Lots of these are still under development and may actually see the light of day, so here's what you MAY have to look forward to (crossing fingers!):

• Pube or Strand of Wire?
• Microwave Heckler- a segment where we heckle the instructions to your favorite microwavable food items
• EADJ "Feel My Balls"- pretty self explanatory
• Let's Dial a Random eBay Auction Number Into the Phone and See Who Answers!
• Parts of a Vagina- a non-snarky, serious look into female anatomy
• EADJ Concierge Hassle- we call a fancy hotel concierge, pretending to be a guest, and order a hooker. When the hooker arrives, we have sex with them. Hilarious!
• Slipping a Hard Taco Into a Stranger's Pocket and Then Punching It- video segment
• What Is the Deal With Booger Glue? (A 14 Part Series)
• Bryan Dixon Writes Angry Letters To Large Corporations
• The Wolfman Decrees
• EADJ "Falcon Crest" Fan Fiction Corner


Stay tuned to EADJ, and keep your eye out for any of these fantastic new blog entries! Or not.

EADJ Reading Recommendation

Reading Tip: To make Cormac McCarthy's post-apocalyptic novel "The Road" seem even more bleak and grim, try reading it on a train going through New Jersey!






And no, I did not retouch the above photos to make everything look ashen and dead.

Goddammit, Marcia.

Dammit, Marcia. You messed up everything. EVERYTHING.

We told everyone *for weeks* that a photographer was coming by to shoot everyone for that full-page ad in "Matters" magazine for the realty group. We sent that memo. Then we sent that reminder email the week before. Then the evening of, we mentioned it again in the status meeting, and now this.

How many times did we remind everyone that men will wear a black blazer and tie, and women should wear a black blazer WITH A COLLARED WHITE SHIRT?! Jesus Henry, Marcia. You stick out like a sore thumb. I mean, we told Karen. We told Sindee. We told Wendy. We told Elaine. We told Carol. We told Jane. We told Carolee and Cathy when they went out for a smoke. We told Fran. We told Jen. We let Beverly know. We told Sharon. We told Donna about it. We told Diane. We told Lynn. We told Cynthia. We told Anne. For crying out loud, we told Erdine, too. WE EVEN TOLD YOU. BLACK BLAZER WITH WHITE COLLARED SHIRT! COLLARED! Not a white t-shirt. Not a white sweater. Not a white cardigan. Not a white scoop-necked top. A WHITE FUCKING COLLARED SHIRT, MARCIA! JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

If its individuality you were looking for, we made it very clear in the memo (which you obviously didn't read) that people were free to either wear their collar OUT of the jacket, like Sindee, Wendy, Elaine, Carol, Jane, Carolee, Cathy, Fran, Jen, Donna, Lynn, Cynthia, Anne, and Erdine all opted to do. Or you could wear your collar IN like Karen, Sharon, and Diane did. We were letting people "letting their freak flag fly" and express themselves however they wanted, but nooooo, you had to screw up the entire goddamned newspaper ad by not wearing a collared shirt AT ALL! Pardon my French, Marcia, but it's fucking anarchy. You make the rest of us look like a sad, motley crew of vagrants. Christ Jesus. Daniel is beside himself over all of this.

You know what? I can't even be here in this break room with you, Marcia. I can't even look at you. I have to go.

And status meeting's at 4 now, not 3:30.

It's Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

It’s Lobsterfest® again, and this year, Red Lobster's offering more irresistible lobster creations than ever before! Come in and treat yourself to one of our many exclusive Lobsterfest® entrées! Indulge in exclusive lobster creations, and share those lobster recommendations with your lobster-lovin' friends! There are so many ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Try some of these:

• We stuff a hollow dummy with lobster meat. Then we soak its head in grain alcohol and put it behind the wheel of a car on the highway. When the police pull it over to charge it with a DUI, you can pounce on the dummy and start eating the lobster right there! It's just another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send an employee to your house to impregnate you. Nine months later at the hospital, after you've given birth to the baby, when they come in with the birth certificate for you to fill out, we barge in and write "lobster" where the name would go, so your new baby is named "lobster" for life! That's one more way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We firebomb a Chik Fil-A and arrange the debris and rubble to spell "FEST." Then we place a live lobster in a turban in front of the word "FEST." Now that's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We enter you and your parents into a breakdance competition, even though none of you know how to breakdance. Right before it's your turn, we give you this really inspirational pep talk that inspires you to really "turn it on" and actually win the competition! Then when you dine at our restaurant at your victory dinner, you realize that teamwork and believing in yourself is what really matters, not skill or training. That's an inspiring and COOL way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take lobster meat and freeze it in a large block of butter. Then we put that block on a roller coaster car going the wrong way on the track. We make you ride in another roller coaster car loaded with sparklers and cocktail sauce, and halfway through the ride, you'll collide with the car with lobster meat in it in a spectacular explosion of lobster, butter, and you. What a great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We invent a typeface named "Lobster." It becomes really popular in graphic design circles and becomes a standard for many letterheads. When one of your personal relationships falls apart, and the person who left you wrote on letterhead that uses the font "Lobster," you can have a good chuckle, despite the tears. That's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We replace all imitation crab meat with real lobster meat. Then when you go to a shitty bodega in New York and put imitation crab meat on your shitty salad, you'll be so pleasantly surprised at the genuine lobster meat that you'll stop making racist comments about the Chinese owner! One more great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Stay tuned for even more great ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Breaking:

The fun is over.

Unfortunate Logo

A logo for Activia Yogurt that resembles a pelvis with a dong. So it's sort of appropriate that Jamie Lee Curtis is the spokesperson.

Farting On Susan's Facebook Wall

So I'm Facebook friends with this girl Susan M. I don't really know her all that well except that we worked together in Chicago a few years ago, but I friended her because I'm not very discriminating and think hundreds of Facebook friends will magically validate me somehow.

Anyhoo, I finally got around to reading her profile page, and it turns out she's fans of Starbucks, J. Crew, Zipcar, Walgreen's, Oprah, Gossip Girl, and Groupon Chicago. Wow, imagine that!

So to make her website more interesting, I posted on her wall:


And I soon got a response on my wall;


I thought over time she'd remove the "fart" from her wall, but after a good 24 hours, it was still there. So I left another, thinking she'll definitely take it down, then:


It's been a good weekend since I posted that second fart, with no response or action, so I felt it important to post the screenshot of the first fart on her wall on her wall:


She'll definitely take it down now, right? Or at least unfriend me. Stay tuned to EADJ as this important story develops.

Smecial Dreams Entry!

Once again, Andrew wins for dreams.

UAG

EADJ Pun Police: Steven Seagal Edition

So you think you're tough, puns? You think your play on words makes you special? I'll show you who's tough. I'm the toughest there is. You've never seen a tougher sonofabitch than me.

*cracks knuckles*



"Holmes for the holiday?" You mean to tell me you released this movie on Christmas just so you could use that stupid pun? Gimme a break. C'mere.

*grabs pun by the hair, snaps neck*


I really feel sorry for you sons of bitches who think you got a shot against me. You think you're clever, but you're not. I'm laughing not because you're funny, but because you're pathetic.

*spins pun around, breaks arm, snaps neck*


Get the fuck out of here. Are you even trying?

*snaps neck*


Okay. Lucky shot. You got a good hit in there.

*wipes blood off bottom lip*

That's not gonna happen again.

*knees pun in the groin, sexually harasses it, snaps neck*


I get it. It's a market. So they put "market on your calendar." Real cute. But not cute enough.

*grabs pun by the neck, spins it around, feels its boobs, puts his tongue between the boobs, snaps neck*


Sure, there's a lot of you, but I can handle it. Come at me!

*seizes pun by the boobs, spins it against a wall, feels the boobs, spins it around, slaps its ass with his dick, snaps neck*


You just don't learn, do you? You're all a bunch of losers!

*sits on the floor, plays with flaccid penis, weeps, snaps own neck*

Some Hip Hop Tracks That Probably Won't Make It Onto the Next Mixtape

"The Police Are Doing The Best Job That They Can"

"This Rap Game Is Pretty Difficult For Me"

"I Really Like You (But I Think It Might Be Too Soon For Sex) ft. Fabolous"

"Let's Watch Rachel Maddow"

"I'm a DJ, So I Really Have No Business Rapping"

"Can You Help Me Jumpstart My Minivan?"

"Investin' Wizely N Mutual Fundz"

"Cash4Gold Gave Me Only $8 Because My Chains Were Mostly Fake"

"I'm Actually Gay (Club Remix)"

"I Find No Disconnect Between Loving My Mother and Treating Women Badly"

"STDs Are Really A Problem (ft. Trina)"

"Fuck That Bitch Aimee Mann For What She Said About My Acting Career"

"Skillz (I Have None)"

"Why The Fuck Are We Working For Jimmy Fallon?"

"2Pac and Biggie Were Overrated When You Really Think About It"

"Do You Validate Parking? (50 Cent Remix)"

"I Understood 'Scarface' To Be A Cautionary Tale Rather Than A Model of Behavior"

"God, I Miss Mid-90s Rap (ft. T-Pain, Gucci Mane, Lil' Wayne and Young Jeezy)"

Let's Use a Metal Spatula To Stir the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though It Might Scrape the Teflon!

Submitted by Barry F:

"Life's odd coincidences."

A Special Message From The Bassist From Spit My Rage

Hi guys.

I'm Dougie, bassist for the hardcore band Spit My Rage. You might remember me from my brutal bass licks on the song "Curse You Out" and from the video for "Knife Heart."

No? Maybe you've memorized the slap-bass style (something I've worked on for six months!) on "P*ss Drunk and Plenty." Or a similar style I used on the main hook for "Darkened Lighthouse," the B-side to our second single, "Scream On, Tabitha."

Still, nothing? That's cool. You follow the band as a whole and haven't learned all the individual band member's names. I guess it doesn't help things that most of our album sales (almost 300!) on iTunes doesn't include liner notes. So I can understand that.

Spit My Rage. You've heard of us, right? Spit My Rage? We're all over the place. We played the Beholden Tour 2006-2009. We were onstage with Cruss at the Milwaukee Summerfest, for crying out loud. We're friggin' famous!

No? Fuck you.

Let's Pretend To Trip In Front of the EADJ Mail Sack So That It Thinks We're Naturally Clumsy!

Submitted by Andrew, a link to Gawker.com wherein Ice-T actually tells Aimee Mann via Twitter to "eat a hot bowl of dicks."


Link is here.

Now, I enjoy a good celebrity feud as much as the next woman, but a rivalry between hardcore rapper and former Body Count frontman Ice-T versus progressive folk rock darling Aimee Mann doesn't feel at all like a level playing field. That's like Ol' Dirty Bastard vs. Shawn Colvin or Kanye West vs Taylor Swift. No, wait...

UAG

An IM Convo With Vince

If you don't know what Blue Waffle is, then you definitely do not want to visit "Blue Waffle dot net." You really, really don't want to. I've warned you.

Let's Apply Generous Amounts of Salt To the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though Our Doctor Warned Us Against Too Much Sodium In Our Diet!

Submitted by Chris Stoltz a photo via text message:

"Last night some guy drove onto our agency's parking lot gate. lol."

Old Joel and The Dick

Joel set out on his trawler early, the morning mist breaking along the front of his boat like cotton along a craggy knife. Once he reached the middle of the bay, Joel cut the motor and limped to the stern.

"Dick, where are you?" Joel muttered to himself as he took a puff from his pipe.

He lowered the anchor and looked out on the bay. Nothing but mist and the echoing sound of geese. He looked down at the stump that used to be his right leg and cursed.

"I'm going to get that big white dick someday," he growled. The boat stopped drifting once the anchor's rope grew taut. The sun had finally peeked out over the east, throwing harpoons of light through the mist and causing Joel to squint his one good eye.

Joel rolled the nets out, one by one, into the grey waters. For weeks now they'd come up with tuna, salmon and the occasional carp, but never with anything for him to eat. Joel was waiting for dick. The big white dick.

To read the rest of this harrowing tale of man versus dick, subscribe today to the Saturday Evening Post.

Well, Lookee Here- Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup!

Well, apparently the EADJ filing system needs improvement, because we just happened upon a folder of enough off brand T.P. photos to rustle together an actual entry. Go figure.


Off Brand Name: Renew
Graphic/Design on Label: Leaves (very telling of the texture)
Type of Sears Tool It Feels Like When Wiping With: Craftsman belt sander


Off Brand Name: Renature Bathroom Tissue (get it?)
Graphic/Design on Label: Maple leaf border surrounding a sketch of a pine tree that looks like it was drawn by someone sticking a Sharpie up their ass.
Which of the Seven Dwarves This T.P. Would Be: Grumpy


Off Brand Name: Genuine Joe Bath Absorbent Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Abstract janitor-looking guy with a red spray bottle(?!?!??!)
Breed of Cat That Would Appreciate This Paper: Cornish Rex


Off Brand Name: 'S' Quality Bathroom Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Big Blue 'S'
Physical Characteristics of Someone After Using This Paper Big Blue 'S'