Forty Ways To Leave Your Lover Pray Lent

1) Just turn on the guilt, Wilt

2) Learn how to pray, Ray

3) Get down on your knees, Reese

4) Stop eating meat on Fridays, Pete on Fridays

5) Open your heart to God, Todd

6) Learn how to connect with God in solitude, Evinrude

7) Have some faith, Faith

8) Open yourself up to Grace, Willie Mays

9) Learn humility, Dee

10) Pray for mercy, Percy

11) Ask for forgiveness, Ingres

12) Contemplate, Kate

13) Remember the spirit of Lent, Kent

14) Learn to trust the Lordy, Gordy

15) Testify on your behalf, Jeff

16) Evangelize, Plies

17) Get filled with the spirit, Garrett

18) Learn to believe, Steve

19) Give all your soul, Noel

20) Walk in God's path, McGrath

21) Learn about service, Pervis

22) Commit yourself to devotion, Billy Ocean

23) Follow Jesus, Beezus

24) Feel God's presence, Nemitz

25) Throw yourself upon the altar, Walter

26) Read a lot of Scripture, Mitch-er

27) Rest on the Sabbath-a, Tabitha

28) Ask for Him to cleanse you, Lorenzu

29) Anticipate the Rapture, Baxter

30) Recite the Apostle's Creed, Reid

31) Walk in His shadow, Rachel Maddow

32) Fast when you can, Dan

33) Don't judge your peers, Piers

34) Testify, Guy

35) Sing some Psalms, Holmes

36) Pray for wisdom, Idiot

37) Confess your trespasses, Onassis

38) Strive to live humbly, Humphrey

39) Swallow your pride, Clyde

40) Reassess your life decisions and reconcile, Kyle

Kathy From Yesterday Was Right.

Some of those Sneak Peek possibles might be regular EADJ entries. Like the "Wolfman Decrees" one inspired Matt S to submit a captcha:

Preface this image with "Diagnosed with..."

I Have a Filthy Mind.

You know, if Kate Winslet's life had turned out way different, she still could have been in that pose...

Meanwhile, mere moments after the hydrogen bomb hit the Bosnian sewage treatment plant...

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.

Weekend update: Feeding frenzy--the dick that wasn’t there.

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Andrew Gall– for real this time)

This Sunday, per usual, Joel’s dick-eating knew no bounds. It started out innocently enough, with Joel gobbling a little Saturday morning meatstick in the shower, followed by a special late lunch smorgasbord of schlong at the Ivy, complete with a bevy of Cajun spices. Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Joel stepped out of his house for dinner. With seven dicks already under his ever-expanding belt, it seems as if Joel, in his haste to munch member, mistook a nearby street side sculpture of John Wayne as another cock to crunch. Chipping three of his front molars, Joel was rushed to Richard Haber, DDS, a top Santa Monica-area cosmetic dentist, to make things right again. Joel was then given a grape popsicle and sent home in one piece. Crisis averted.

(pictured above: Vince Soliven attempts to become less brown, fails.)