Once Again... LOBSTERFEST

Okay, so it's been almost FOUR YEARS since the last Lobsterfest entry, and it's been that long since I've been totally shitfaced, which is when conditions are best to write this type of entry. The other night, I went to a comedy show in the Upper East Side and had a series of beers, cocktails, and beers that could fill a vat. Here now are some of the Lobsterfest entries that I typed into my phone on the Lyft ride home:

• Lobsters are arachnids, which means they're not very far relatives from spiders. With this in mind, we're going to serve up a series of lobsters in a large, sticky web hung up on the far wall. Guests will be required to climb the web, capture one of the crawling live lobsters, then scuttle it back to their table to be boiled and eaten. Try that with a skirt on! That would be maybe one of the least plausible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• I don't know if you know about these "hoverboards" that kids are riding these days. They're not really truly hoverboards but are these crappy motorized dealies on two wheels. Anyhoo, all our waiters will ride those back and forth from your table to the kitchen and back, serving you hot piping morsels of thawed and cooked lobster tail. Plus we'll make sure the hoverboards are colored orange or red, to go with the lobster theme, if they have those colors in stock. No, you can't ride the hoverboards- insurance reasons. Gee, that seems like another highly unlikely and unsatisfying way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, doesn't it?

• "Lobsterfest" sounds a lot like "LobsterFIST," so let's do that: through pressure and heat, we mold gigantic boxing gloves from the finest slivers of lobster meat. When guests enter the restaurant, our servers will knock them the FUCK OUT with a sucker punch the likes of which your uncle has never seen since his days in the Navy. Look sharp, hungry fuckers! That seems like a doable but highly violent way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, don't it?

• Paper dolls. Maybe paper dolls of the customers, wearing little paper lobster bibs. Maybe it's EDIBLE PAPER, and we can have guests eat tiny versions of themselves eating lobster. Maybe this way we can actually leave lobster meat out to the equation entirely and save a cuckload of money! HOLY ASS, that's a pretty shrewd way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We let loose a very angry donkey in the restaurant. A donkey whose only way to calm down is to be fed lobster meat. With it kicking children and taking bites out of booth cushions, our servers will plead with customers to feed their lobster meat to calm the donkey down. Our guests will be forced to part with their dinners and will need to order their whole meals AGAIN! $$$$ And when their second dinner finally arrives, we release TWO MORE DONKEYS! It's moneymaking genius! Somehow through all this could be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

Lobsterfest® Doesn't Forgive You For Your Sins

We at Red Lobster pride ourselves on our commitment to keep a good thing going, and Lobsterfest® is certainly one of those really good things. We tell ourselves every morning how lucky we are to not only be alive in these exciting times, but also are thrilled at every new way that we have to serve lobster bits to you hungering masses. Here now (with some help from Andrew Gall) are the latest menu offerings for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• Special lobster bibs made from the finest silk will be draped from your neck. A man with a clear shot at you from across the room will fling a lobster at your mouth at a speed of about 120 mph. If everything goes well, you will enjoy some delicious lobster at a super-fast speed, all without soiling our very expensive lobster bibs, which we've obviously poured a lot of money into. That there is some neat way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Using your smartphone, you can order our Wood-Grilled Lobster with BBQ Glaze by texting WGSHRWBBQG to 044020, Crunchy Potato-Crusted Lobster by texting SRCHPTTCRSTLBST to 044021, or Garlic Lobster Scampi by texting GRLCLBSTERSCMPI to 044022. And don't forget the Coconut Lobster Bites! Just text FUCKYOURMOTHERIWANTSOMECOCONUTLOBSTERBITES to 044023! Standard text messaging rates apply. Some serious high-tech way here to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A bounty hunter named Huzz is hired by our corporate office to find you. Once he does, he will tranquilize you and drag your sorry ass to our restaurant. Our manager will waken you with a slap across your stupid face, demanding to know why you haven't come to our restaurant yet after seeing all the advertisements we ran on the television programs that you watch. You will notice that Huzz is rubbing his erection under his pants. See? That seems to be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Lobsterfest becomes a Facebook war game that no one plays, probably due to poor reach from the assorted Facebook ads featuring a lobster wearing a beanie. Internal arguments abound, and the whole Lobsterfest marketing and PR teams get canned. Once the dust settles, that account executive that never did anything but order cupcakes for meetings gets to come up with an entirely new PR strategy on his own. And that, it can be assumed, is another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We promote Lobsterfest as a new national holiday. Drum circles form. People tell people. A MOVEMENT is created! People embrace the day of celebration with copious amounts of food and drink, and everyone gets along, swinging and swaying merrily with our patented “On Lobster, oh lobster™” refrain. The next day, everyone wakes up and wonders what the fuck they were thinking last night. And that might just be another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, depending on your time zone.

Sometimes Lobsterfest Just Wants You To Lobsterfest

Red Lobster's juggernaut Lobsterfest® chugs on like a bloated, hairless freight train of meat, and if you haven't caught the action yet, there's still plenty of ways to enjoy the amazing lobster-filled delicacies we're offering this week! Try these latest ways (with some help from Andrew Gall):

• We hold a special “dinner and a show event” titled “My Dinner with Lobster.” Each table enjoys the pleasure of a lobster conveying all of his or her problems through a series of clicks. The lobster winds up becoming so comfortable in a diner’s company he or she begins to over-share, bringing up that one time in the park. Afterwards, everyone enjoys the therapeutic feeling that hey, we’ve all got problems! And that’s just another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A 30-megaton bomb filled with deadly radiation, cornbread and some lobster meat is dropped in the middle of a major metropolitan area near you. Survivors of the blast are given the grave responsibility of rebuilding their civilization with whatever has withstood the bombing but have the luxury of eating nothing but delicious, buttery lobster and cornbread! Okay, that seems like another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A man, a plan, a canal, Lobsterfest®!

• We hire Grammy-winning recording artist Nelly to accompany you and your family to the restaurant, where he orders "Lobsterr" for all of you, even though your mother clearly and emphatically stated she just wanted a salad. Now, doesn't that sound like a terrific, delicious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We shout the praises of Lobsterfest from the rooftops in the form of our very own spokesperson, Mr. Lobster Shingles! Mr. Lobster Shingles (hereafter referred to as MLS—catchy!) storms the lobster-imbibing scene nightly, singing and generally tap dancing about the restaurant. When it looks like a patron is done with his or her plate of succulent lobster, that’s when MLS takes charge, calling attention to said patron with a dance and shimmy best described as “inspiring.” Each time, the MLS spectacle ends with a chant, making the patron feel so bad, he or she will finish the lobster without another word. Oh, and MLS happens to have authentic shingles strapped to his shoulders. Just another way to enjoy delicious lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lobsterfest® Fists Your Lobster!

Lobsterfest® enters its 40th spectacular week, and we at Red Lobster are still finding exciting and succulent ways for you to enjoy lobster! Here are just a few of the latest new ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We mail you a Lobsterfest® postcard, which you bring into Red Lobster for a special Lobsterfest® scratch-off game piece. The game piece has four codes which you scratch off one-at-a-time, then compare with the codes posted on our in-store display. If two of your codes match those on the display in both number and color, you are automatically entered in our online raffle for two tickets to the next Red Lobster contest! That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We go to Chinatown and find any guy there named "Doug Chen." We convince Doug that you're somehow related to him and arrange for a big family reunion dinner at Red Lobster. When he arrives, you and your family pretend to know and love him, creating this long-time familial bond that Doug Chen never had growing up. Then when the check comes around for the expensive lobster, everyone ducks out, leaving poor ol' Doug Chen with the bill! Yet another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Against our better judgment, we roll a gigantic fucking doob in the shape of a lobster and give it to some college sophomores. The students smoke the weed and talk about the universe always expanding and all, then they fall asleep before the pizza even gets here. That's one great way you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Jake Busey as a "lobster-consultant." Jake's enormous teeth act as both a deflector for lobster critics and an effective crushing device to crack open tough lobster shells for guests. We award our new lobster consultant with the Medal Of Valor, an honor that only military or public safety personnel who have served with gallantry usually get. Sure, that could act as another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. I guess.

Stay tuned for even more incredible lobster deals during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lobsterfest® Lobsters On Through The Lobster!

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its exciting run of succulent lobster originals for a limited time, now in its eighteenth week. Here now are even more ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• Red Lobster develops an advanced technology that allows you to enter other people's dreams. We enter your consciousness when you're asleep, sneak a couple thousand avatars of lobsters into your dream, then dump them all over you when you're fingering Megan Fox. It's just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We pay a tattoo parlor near you an obscene amount of money. Then we tackle you when you drunkenly stumble out of a bar on a Saturday night and strap you into the tattoo chair. We're pretty sure you can figure out what happens next. That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You fall while playing jai alai and skin your leg. You refuse to get the wound dressed or looked at, and it becomes terribly infected. You come into Red Lobster and show us how the wound has developed some disgusting pus. The servers and you then get into a lively discussion of how the word "pussy" could be used in this situation without any references to vaginas. Just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Lobsters everywhere start dying for no reason. Scientists everywhere are baffled. The extinction of an entire aquatic species is imminent. Red Lobster refuses to change the name of our restaurants, stating we have a lot of "brand equity" in our name. Our chain eventually goes under as global fisheries and economies collapse. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• The guy who played Chandler Bing in "Friends" comes to your house and asks if you want to go over to Red Lobster with him for a meal. You tell him you're actually kind of busy and need to get some work done. The rejection totally devastates him, seeing how his acting career has pretty much gone to the toilet since the show ended. Oh yeah, Matthew Perry is his name. That's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lobsterfest Continues!

It's week two of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and we've still got lots of great ways for you to enjoy the lobster explosion that is Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Check out these latest lobster-related offerings:

• We inject sweet, tangy HGH into every juicy morsel. Then we turn it loose in a crowded college bar, pull up a seat and watch the delicious results! It’s just another great more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Dan C from the Red Lobster in Chicago!)

• We hollow out a coconut, fill it with lobster, and encourage the largest man in the restaurant (based purely on sight) to take the coconut lobster cannonball to his chest. Patrons gather around—the excitement is palpable! We get the two strongest bussers to toss the lobstersphere into the man’s considerable stomach at high speed. If the coconut explodes on impact, the lobster innards are offered on a first come, first serve basis. If not, we slice the coconut open and drink the delicious lobster innards. Either way, it’s dinner and a show. That’s just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Andrew Gall from the Red Lobster in Seattle!)

• We fill three old fashioned milk cans– two with hundred dollar bills, and one with lobster meat. We cover the three cans and shuffle them and ask you to choose one. If you pick the one full of lobster meat, we give a huge sigh of relief that we didn’t go broke that time. It’s another fun way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You die. After traveling through a tunnel, you appear on a serene plane of pure light, surrounded by all your friends and loved ones who have previously passed. Your souls are all connected by one consciousness in a constant stream of peace and harmony. You all dine on delicious crab fritters and lobster rolls. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You sit in a dank room in a cellar at an undisclosed location. We bring out a lobster and strap it to a chair. A man in a welding mask enters and asks the lobster where the stolen tapes are. Despite every denial by the lobster, the man in the welding mask slowly and methodically tortures the lobster to death using a drill, pliers, and a dull knife; it’s also revealed that no “stolen tapes” exist at all. When the entire brutal torture/murder is over, you get your pick of all the delicious lobster meat that’s left! That’s another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send a few employees over to your house to watch the entire DVD set of "The Wire" on your big screen TV. When your wife complains about having company over past the kids' bedtime, one of our employees says something snide about her which you don't entirely catch but are pretty offended by. Later, during the series finale, you finally confront him about what he said, and it turns out he was just muttering the words "Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster." Now that's one great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send you on an unmanned blimp ride. You discover as you ascend that there are no controls in the cabin- just platters of delicious, buttery, steamed lobster. Also in the cabin is a raccoon, which we hadn't planned on, but was attracted to the smell of the food. You enjoy each savory bite of lobster as you and your raccoon companion drift away to unknown heights, wondering if your cell phone will even work this high up. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Weather. I Mean, WEATHER