September Curlz

(pictured above, even comic book stores are not immune to Curlz)

Smecial Dreams Entry!

"I had a dream last night that Jen Stankovic was a fire marshall and she was leading a bunch of people downstairs...Weird."
-Michelle Litos

"I had a dream last night that Marshall was yelling at me. Jesus."
-Andrew Gall

"Ranee Wu had a dream about me in a thong. HOT."
-David Estoye

"I had a dream about John Carstens criticizing my ceilings."
-Marshall Ross

"I have never seen the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson."
-Vince Soliven

(pictured above, while Vince tries to decide between chicken and barbacoa burrito bowls for the 800th time, I'm wondering what would wash down goat curry best.

A report from EADJ West

The following entry has been submitted by Andrew Gall:

I spent this past week traveling from Chicago to Seattle for my new job. My dad flew out to help me move. On the way, we had a variety of spirited discussions, including the conspiracy theory flick Zeitgeist, good hamburgers, and why a large styrofoam cooler is always a good idea, even if it takes up more space in the car than your computer and box of socks. Naturally, discussion turned to Joel and his dick-eating ability at some point. I eased the EADJ phenomenon into conversation casually, wondering what, if anything, my dad's first impressions would be.

A quote:

"A blog about someone named Joel eating dick? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to read that."

Well, so much for wondering.

Other choice anecdotes included my dad calling a fly an asshole, blow-drying his hair (he's bald) and wearing Axe. I also discovered that he has Patrick Swayze's "She's like the wind" on his Ipod. He was very defensive about this. Overall, it was a solid bonding experience, and we made it to Seattle in one piece.

Another quote, this one about Al Green:

"Boy did he sweat a lot."

Indeed.

(pictured above, those dang Chicago college kids are at it again)

Poker in the Front, Shorter Fatter in the Rear

The following Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson report has been filed by Phil Flicklicker:

"SFVOSP...in hallway over South Water.

He was wearing what I thought was a pocket protector. As I got closer, I noticed he had a black plastic fork in his shirt pocket."

(pictured above, the best rendition of Mr. Wood that I could do from memory)

Oh Xenia!

Brown ice cubes are never good.

Joel was horrified to find trays of brown cubes in his freezer trays while making himself a late-night dick shake. He questioned his chimp servant Chad Yarborough about it, and it didn't know anything and continued to play The Smurfs on Colecovision.

After checking the tap- which was clean– Joel examined the refrigerator connections and plumbing in the basement. Everything checked out, so he just threw the cubes away and chalked it up as a fluke.

The next day, the ice cubes were brown again! Joel is utterly baffled at this point. If you have any information about why Joel's cubes are brown, call 1-877-BROWN-ICE and tell them your theory. Joel is almost certain this is not dick-related, however.

(pictured above, a Brooklyn cafe's breakfast menu gives Andrew Gall Halloween costume ideas for the next four years)

So much to enjoy here.

I found this document among some old papers when packing for New York. It's some sort of press release I was given at a Kinko's in San Francisco. And it's real– I remember talking to the guy at the Kinko's.

Click on the picture to read the whole thing before continuing onto our comments. It's definitely worth it.


Okay, finished? Good. To tackle comments on this bad boy, we're going to have to break it down into categories. Here goes:


HORRIFIC SPELLING



First of all, being a fashion designer in California and misspelling FRED SEGAL is inexcusable. Then misspelling important clients' names like Sheila E., Shari Belafonte, Arsenio Hall, Oaktown's 357, Ace Deuce, and Rappin' 4-Tay is pretty awful, too. This press release was written in November 2001, and I'm pretty sure the Internet was around then, so one could have checked. I lay most of the blame on "Cola," who apparently edited this thing. But how shitty an editor do you have to be to misspell Duvall's own name THREE TIMES in the copy? Wait a minute. Maybe Duvall's name is really spelled "Duval," and Cola misspelled it five times. No, let's just give Cola the benefit of the doubt here.



MC HAMMER'S "DIPPER" PANTS



I guess in the back of my mind at one time in 1990 I did wonder who the hell came up with those enormous pants. Who knew that 11 years later I would come face to face with the guy who puts it as #1 in his portfolio? "World-shattering," indeed. I imagine that Spike DDB got Duvall's help in recreating the Dipper pants for this Superbowl Lay's Potato Chips commercial in 2005:



PUNANY POETS

Okay, for once Cola didn't completely screw up a client's name (except for the word 'troupe'). And a quick Google check verified that the Punany Poets are indeed still in business! It's unknown whether they still sport Duvall's provocative fashions during their performances, however. The Poon Tang Minstrels and The Gaping Vajhole Storytellers couldn't be reached for comment.
Punany Poets Online
Punany Poets on myspace

THE ALBUM COVER


I gotta admit, the "Dipper" pants were pretty ridiculous, but for some reason the outfits that blaxploitation legend Max Julien and Rappin' 4-Tay are wearing are pretty sweet. Maybe it's the fact that it's all white. Or that the jackets drape over the jodhpur-like thighs. And the name "Alpha-male" is a delightful euphemism for pimp. Sweet.

A pretty exhaustive Google and Hotbot search for "Duvall," "MC Hammer" and even "Dipper pants" turned up nothing. Duvall's obscurity may be attributed to his now-outdated designs, but I believe his fame was ultimately screwed from the get-go by poorly edited press releases. Nice going, Cola.


**** LIKE, MAJOR MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!! ****
Andrew Gall found a designer named Duvall on myspace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. I think this earns Andrew Gall EADJ's first ever Adamantium Mollusk Award.

Link

There's a 99.9999% chance that this is him. Jeez, look at all the powerful friends he has– the Obamas, the Cosbys, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Mayor Daley...it looks like Cola was a nonfactor after all! TUUUUUUU!

Don't Get Your Font in a Curlz

More typographical awfulness from Brooklyn:

Wine list. Classy.

Nail salon. Typical. (Yeah, I'm taking a photo of your shop, bitch)

Back scratcher?! Random!


But the most flagrant violator EADJ has ever seen has to be Dizzy's Café in Park Slope:



Jesus, it's like the owner strided into a Kinko's, handed the Desktop Publisher a floppy disk, and said, "Make all my signage with this whimsical font, you orphan raper!"

Not that Kinko's employees aren't orphan rapers. Some are. Actually, a lot are. A vast majority are. Especially the third shift ones. That's why if you walk into a Kinko's late at night, they have to come to the register from the back, because they're raping an orphanage out back. For serious. I'm surprised no one has noticed this before.

EADJ Jazzy Joel and the Fresh Dick

How an innocent trip to traffic court turned into a dick-eating smorgasbord for Joel, in fourteen steps:

1) Joel wakes up

2) Joel takes a shower

3) Joel gets dressed

4) Joel picks up the morning paper from the curb

5) Joel enjoys a nutritious breakfast prepared by his chimp servant

6) Joel adjusts the thermostat to conserve energy while he's away

7) Joel waves hi to Mrs. Goldfarb sweeping her porch

8) Joel drives his RAV4 to traffic court

9) Joel stops at a stoplight and checks his hair

10) Joel finds a parking spot in the shade

11) Joel walks to the traffic court building

12) Joel sees a lot of dick in a nearby alley

13) Joel gobbles a motherfucking load of dick

14) Traffic court judge wastes an hour of his time waiting for Joel, reads the latest Mother Jones magazine

(pictured above, this week's top-selling pattern at Joann Fabrics)

Congratulations, Jessica!

Last night, Jessica got engaged to a dog with cataracts who would rather watch SportsCenter. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Dick of the Litter

Someone needs to explain all the bruises.

While prepping Joel for a segment on "The View," makeup artist Marcia Duckworth noticed some strange purple marks on his neck and back. When asked about the marks, Joel acted nervous and peed his shorts. Marcia reported the incident to Joel Protective Services in Santa Monica.

Whoopi Goldberg also reported noticing Joel's neck bruises during the taping of his "View" segment but declined to bring it up. Instead, she told some easy anti-Bush jokes from 8 years ago.

Joel Protective Services contacted Joel earlier this morning to document his physical state and to question his chimp servant, Chad Yarborough. The chimp servant mumbled something about a trucker friend of Joel's who got angry when his dick wasn't eaten enough. He described the vioelnt altercation to agents then excused himself to start preparing Joel's fish dinner.

EADJ will keep you updated on what kind of fish the chimp servant is preparing as soon as the information becomes available– whether it's tilapia, scrod or just plain salmon.

(pictured above, a gift for that uncle of yours who just refuses to die already)

Minazo, We Hardly Knew Ye.

(AP) Yokohama (Kyodo) Minazo, Japan's largest seal, died this week having charmed visitors for 10 1/2 years at Enoshima Aquarium in Fujisawa Kanagawa Prefecture, aquarium officials said.

Minazo quickly rose to stardom at the aquarium, where his three shows a day proved a hit with visitors. More recently, he became a web phenomenon on ihasabucket.com

Minazo brought such joy to Japanese children. He can only be replaced now by video games, sticker machines, dolls, talking robots, violent game shows, anime, manga, tamagochi, Gundam, panties in vending machines, bubble gum beverages, chillingly deviant pornography, vinyl toys, Hello Kitty, complicated toilets, cosplay, chindogu, karaoke, Dance Dance Revolution, hotels where you sleep in a tube, super-advanced cell phones, drift-car racing, and dressing up like James Dean.

A funeral service will be held on Friday at the Enoshima Mausoleum and Food Court. Celebrities such as Young Jeezy and Tianna, the angora bunny, are expected to attend.

Squeaking Out a Late Entry

Yeah I can't believe I didn't see this one before, either.

THE BIG BANG THEORY

The Players: Dorktastic skinny bug-eyed dude, Amanda-Bynes-type blondie, and helladork with unforgivably bad hair.

'Who Farted' Factor: 10 out of 10. Skinny dude is totally appalled at ass being dropped behind him. Helladork is about to call blondie out, but she doesn't even start to protest. "Yeah, that's right, bitches. I farted." Was a 9 out of 10 until I realized the goddamned TITLE.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Blondie! Yay, equal rights!

Touching base with our fanbase

There have been some mutterings that the content of this blog has drifted away from its main goal– covering Joel eating dick– to content of a more scatological nature.

Yeah, maybe. But we've found that it's the palate-clearing mints of the poo poo and pee pee stuff that makes the Joel-choking-down-cock thing more delicious.

Like, seriously, do you really want to read DAILY entries about how much dick Joel actually eats? You do? Oh, okay. We'll try to do more, then.

Like just yesterday, Joel helped hold the ladder for the contractors roofing his apartment complex because it allowed him to eat all their dicks as they went up and came down. The fact that some of the dicks he ate were from illegal immigrants casts a slight brown shadow on the proceedings, but still, free dick!

(pictured above, fuck that noise)

Who Farted? CBS Lineup Stylee!

If you were to divine what this fall's CBS lineup was just by looking at the promotional posters, you'd think every show was about someone floating an air biscuit in a different colored room. Let's take a look, shall we.


CSI: NY

The players: The chick from Crossing Jordan (or Providence? The Closer? Whatever.) and Lieutenant Dan.
"Who farted" factor: 4 out of 10. Melina Kanakaredes' hairdo seems blown back from Lieutenant Dan's fart. She seems hurt and waits for an explanation. Lieutenant Dan doesn't give a shit. Look at his striped shirt! What a man!
Most likely fart suspect: Lieutenant Dan!


CANE

The players: Hot brunette chick, younger dude in his 20's, suspicious dude who also plays the suspicious dude on LOST, and Senator Bail Organa from "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith."
"Who farted" factor: 7 out of 10. Lots of interplay here: All of the males look like they could have farted, although the suspicious dude seems to accuse the chick a little. Young dude in his 20's almost looks like he's laughing in the back. Jimmy almost wants to hold his nose.
Most likely fart suspect: Jimmy Smits (this is not a racial comment)


CRIMINAL MINDS

The players: Serious brown-haired white dude, modelly black dude, and unkempt, dorky ginger dude.
"Who farted" factor: 8 out of 10. Their looks are not only intense but actually accusatory.
Most likely fart suspect: YOU

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.

A Mixed Sack of Assorted Items

• Joel will be taking Rosh Hashanah off this week, although he's not Jewish. Instead of observing the holiday, he will be using the time off to masturbate to an old poster of Pierce Brosnan in a speedo. Did I say "to?" I meant "on."


• This EADJ reporter has a new job at an agency in New York. I cannot disclose the name of the agency, but it rhymes with Toucan Cleric's Fun. Those of you who worked at Cramer-Krasselt on the weekend and used the men's bathroom– you remember how horrible that smelled?– well, the bathroom here smells like that ALL THE TIME. A full article on the horrors of the bathrooms at Toucan Cleric's Fun coming soon...


***Pathmark "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?" answers from last week!***

1. Half-drunk Lipton Brisk in the yams.

2. Top loin steaks in the Juicy Juice.

3. French bread in the cupcake icing.

4. Chicken strips in the Entenmann's Cookies (also accepted Thomas Squares Bagelbread).

5. Junior putter set (which Andrew mistook for a mop) in the Bakery Snacks.

Martha Salvoy from Park Falls, Michigan got all 5 answers right. She wins a snowmobile trip for two to the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin, courtesy of Ski Doo and Kimpex Plastic Skis. Kevin Hudson from Asheville, North Carolina came in second and wins a romantic lunch with actor Don Cheadle at the restaurant of his choice.

(pictured above, the once mighty South Street Seaport, once a historic waterfront with a fish and farmer's market, is now a mall, replete with Curlz)

Clarification Corner

Get it right!


Get it right, people!

Tava Smiley is the 80 lb. host of TLC's Clean Sweep, where she jumps around in non-heavy-labor-appropriate outfits and enthusiastically tells doughy couples she would never speak to in real life to throw their shit out. Tavis Smiley is the former host of The Tavis Smiley Show on NPR, and currently hosts Tavis Smiley on PBS, where he gives rambling, inarticulate interviews while wearing ill-fitting suits.



Get it right!

Born and raised in Missouri, Tava Smiley earned a degree in communications at the University of Missouri. Tavis Smiley attended Indiana University and received his bachelor's degree in law and public policy in 1986.



Get it right!

Tava Smiley has been in crappy shows like General Hospital, Nash Bridges, and Walker, Texas Ranger. The only crappy show Tavis Smiley has appeared on is the Moesha spinoff The Parkers, aka Mo'Nique on UPN (this is not a racist joke. Go ahead and doublecheck that shit on imdb.com).

Get it right!

I would happily bang both of them. How about you, Pewter Bear?


Shut the fuck up already, Pewter Bear. Your opinions, hell, your whole life, is worth shit, alright? Die a slow and miserable death, you insufferable smegma. What were we talking about, again?

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)

Bouncy Bouncy Sexy Time.

The following is an account of an actual encounter between Joel and a Los Angeles policeman:

COP: License and registration.

JOEL: What?

COP: License and registration, please.

JOEL: Have I done something?

COP: Do you know why I've stopped you sir?

JOEL: You didn't. I was parked here.

COP: (pause) Oh.

(awkward pause)

COP: Do you know why I'm talking to you?

JOEL: No, why?

COP: Because you're parked in a loading zone.

(writes ticket, hands to Joel)

JOEL: Is parking the jurisdiction of Highway Patrol?

COP: Hmm. Probably.

JOEL: Why did you check the box that said "Speeding in a school zone?"

COP: It's the only one that said "zone."

JOEL: It's 6 points on my license and $500.

COP: Hey, is that a Meximelt you're eating?

JOEL: Why do you have your penis out?

(pictured above, the latest nonexercise-nonclass taught at Crunch)

My new favorite supermarket.

To those of you not from New York (and how I pity you if you aren't!), there is a chain of supermarkets called Pathmark which, I gotta tell you, is the biggity BOMB, y'all.


Just one glance at the outside gives passers-by a hint of the delightful selections they vend within. Let's look inside! And while we're in there, let's play "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?"

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


(Answers will be revealed next week. The highest scorer wins a jar-full of googly eyes and a signed copy of The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne)

Let's Pretend To Kiss the Outside of the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though It Smells Tangy!

Below, a submission from Bill Dow at the EADJ office in San Fran. Note Bill's creepy reflection.