"It Has Become Appallingly Obvious That Our Technology Has Exceeded Our Pathmark."

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's talented group of writers are always working on the next batshit crazy conspiracies to float into the InfoWars toilet bowl. Here are their latest new stories:

• Andersen Windows partners with CIA agents to spy on you after their bay window installations

• Joe Biden's handlers meet regularly to coordinate and manufacture his empathy, morality and sense of humor

• NO PULP orange juice is contaminated with trans baby stem cells

• Corporations get rid of toxic waste by hiding them inside all pride rainbow merchandise at Target

• Hillary Clinton has secretly been working as President behind the scenes since her birth in 1947

• No Kardashian really exists. They're all A.I. driven animations (okay, I believe that one)

The Triumphant Return of CSI EADJ

After a 2 year hiatus, the forensic offices and labs at EADJ have been reopened for new investigations. Today with fresh equipment, new staff, and hot shit SUVs to drive around in, we tackle three new cases:

CASE C24862

Location: Midtown, NYC

CASE C24863

Location: South Orange, NJ

CASE C24864

Location: Subway, NYC

CSI: EADJ: Second Response

It's time once again for CSI: EADJ, where our crack team of expert investigators examine crime scene clues and try to recreate the most likely scenario that could have left such bizarre evidence. And when we say "crack team," we mean me and whatever I think up over my lunch break. Hmm, should I go for a hoagie today?

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CASE 489566

Location: New York City

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CASE 489567

Location: New York City

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CASE 489568

Location: New York City

Note: within a span of one week, random apples were spotted strewn uneaten on the streets and subway stations near Midtown.

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CASE 489569

Location: Union, New Jersey, outside a Dollar Store

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CASE 489570

Location: Deptford, New Jersey at the Returns Department of a Home Depot

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CASE 489571

Submitted by Special Agent Andrew Gall via "text messaging" technology

Location: some bar in Chicago, Illinois

Coming Soon to Toys R Us: The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit!

The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit by Toomy Toy is a great new way for kids who are fans of the "CSI" crime investigation TV franchise to practice being surly forensic lab technicians while the cool kids go run outside with guns and badges!

What better way for computer geeks, science fair geeks, and overweight kids to imagine themselves all grown up and doing the "shit work" of matching DNA from a hooker's missing toe to spattered blood on a district attorney's office wall!

Relive episode 5.3 of "CSI: Miami" where a faceless and soulless lab assistant tells David Caruso that the fingerprints on the stolen gun does NOT match those found on the glass shards in that dead bison's backside!

Have your kids deliver insipid lines like:

"I've swabbed the interior of the suspect's van and found no incendiary residue!"

"The crime scene was contaminated by curious campers, so we'll never get a clear boot print!"

"As a forensic pathologist, I can say with certainty that a bear did not decapitate the mayor!"

"I've cross-referenced the sweat from this headband with the DNA of every member of the state legislature. And nothing!"

"This is a rare breed of caterpillar found only in the southwest region of Jakarta... What can I say? I love bugs!"




The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit will be on shelves early April, just in time for this year's Arbor Day!

EADJ Presents: Project Fountain

At the Old Bridge Deli upstairs dining area, in addition to building some seriously random business conference rooms, the owners have seen fit to decorate with a lot of random shit. I think what they're going for is rustic and oriental, but it looks like Mr. Miyagi's yard sale.




So this week we at EADJ decided to add to the randomness a little bit in something we call Project Fountain. Every day this week we will swing by the ol' fountain and drop off a new friend.




Figure 1 will be President Richard M. Nixon's disembodied head, as seen in the Fox cartoon "Futurama."






Stay tuned as the week continues to see how many new friends we can add to the fountain! Viva La Project Fountain!

The Answers From Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson" Quiz!

If you got 1-2 correct, pat yourself on the back. Good job!
If you got 3-5 correct, give yourself a hug. Nice going!
If you got all 6 correct, you are a prostitute.

Some Totally Unfair Criticism

Okay, I have seen some shit art before, but this might possibly be the blandest, most appalling turd of vanilla-beige cock that my eyes have been unfortunate to be molested by. Still-lifes are boring already, but what's this? A tray carrying a bowl of potpourri and some goddamned bottles of dried flower petals? What kind of fluffy-cloud, Holly Hobby, "I Love Country" dystopian prison camp is this supposed to be from? Rape me.


So you've got some shittily painted petals (not detailed enough to be realistic and not abstract enough to be Impressionistic) sitting in a poorly proportioned bowl that's covered in more smudgily painted petals. That's both meta and piss-poor! Also, it's labeled "POTPOUTTI," either because the painter cannot spell "potpourri" correctly or never learned their lower case r's. Either way, it makes a travesty of both public education and the state of art. What an abortion.


I could further rag on "Garuboa" or "Hamlox" or whatever the piss this person's name is, and how howlingly hilarious I find that they'd think someone would want to copy this artwork illegally, but I can think of more pleasant things to do, like chugging a punchbowl full of diarrhea or watching "Grey's Anatomy."